Anyone afraid of your suicidal behavior?

[wantingdignity]

I both want to die and feel traumatized from my suicidal behavior. I wish I followed through with it. I wish I jumped. I wish I followed through on so many of my almosts. I wish I had died instead of my coworker in an accident.

I'm scared of myself, then I find comfort in being able to kill myself, then i'm more scared of myself.

I have been through so much where I was at risk of being killed in circumstances outside of my control. I'm so afraid all of the time and I am fully aware of how evil the world is and how little control I have over it.

I'm scared of the world. I'm scared of others. I'm scared of myself. Everytime I'm alone, I feel like I'm face to face with someone who could potentially kill me... And has gotten close several times.

Does anyone else feel this way?

 

[getoutgirl]

Yeah.
I've scared myself and I'm sure I would scare others even more. You get kind of numb to your own worst thougts at some point, which has a terror of its own. Because, to me, what scares me the most is the posibility that I may ever lose all control, al empathy, all anchors and all the rational thougts that keep me here and give in completely to the impulse. It has happened briefly. I don't drink for a reason. And yet other times is all I wished for.

So yes, I feel you. The world is scary. Other people are scary. And when you can't even find an ally in yourself to not scare you then Death may seem like the only soothing place left to hide. It's a scary path to it though.

Truly sorry about your coworker btw. You have every reason to feel as you do. I can only hope it gets a little easier with time <333

 

[DeletedUser108474]

One reason why I want to die is because I'm scared of what else I might do to make my life worse. I've screwed up a lot already.