Any combinations of medication that could help me?

[bruised_reed]

I think I have been suffering from reactive mood swings my entire life related to abandonment issues and other trauma. Right now, I'm in a crisis due to external circumstances. I want to be very open and honest about what I'm going through because, up until now, for the past three months I have been absolutely sure that I want to end my life.

In January, my husband and I separated (not wanted by me, I still love him and I still want to be a family. This is crushing for me).

The grief and stress was overwhelming for me so I took FMLA. I was coping and trying to heal and figure things out for myself and my children but at the end of February, something happened to me in my sleep. I had some kind of violent hypnic jerk and then EXTREME anxiety and despair. I got EXTREMELY suicidal. Like I mean the thoughts were horrifying and gruesome.

I've never experienced anything like that in my life. It was very scary for me so I checked myself into a hospital while my kids went to my parents' house. That was a horrible experience so I lied and said I was better so I could leave. I actually got scared that the SSRI I was on at the time was actually causing the suicidal thoughts so I stopped them abruptly without tapering (I did not realize the danger at the time.) The last time I took them was the first week of March. The suicidal thoughts calmed down but they never went away. I have been barely able to function. There was actually a stretch of two weeks where I barely ate. I've actually lost over 40lbs during this whole ordeal.

I couldn't return on time so I lost my job. I'm now facing homelessness and my children are with my husband's parents now. I HATE myself for not being able to pick myself up and keep going and do what I need to do.

I spend half the day planning my suicide and then when it gets later in the day, the thoughts calm down and I feel slightly more like myself and feel a tiny bit of hope and get severely distressed over not being with my children and husband. I feel the will to live and fight. But then the cycle starts over the next morning.

What's happening to me??? Is there any combination of meds that could potentially stabilize me enough to get back on my feet?

Any help would be appreciated!

 

[MapleS]

mood stabilizers. deffinitelly them
and maybe anti-anxiety meds?
I'm sorry that happend to you snd I hope you will find the way
.
for me its
Pregabalin for anciety and panic attacks
lamotrigine as a mood stabilizer (do not try to take it faster)

also if you will ever decide to not take any med do it gradually - like you started taking it

 

[peacebenow]

So sorry for what you have been going through. A psychiatrist would be someone to navigate this medicine with you. They would have to be very good and you would want to feel safe and comfortable with them.