If I don't get sober I'll die.

[FullCircle]

I've been a functional alcoholic for years. I've always managed to keep a full time job, plus a side hustle, and still drink 8-12+ drinks per night.
I've struggled with anxiety and depression since I was a kid. Alcohol helped more than anything, but now I'm a shell of my old self. I've abandoned everything I love and now I'm barely holding on. I still do everything I can to give my pup the best life but I know I can do better for me and her.
I've gotten sober for short periods, the longest was about 2 months. I kinda hated AA but if I have to give it another shot I will.
I have the opportunity to go to treatment at a good place for 2 weeks and still get paid, mostly covered by insurance. My husband has "accepted" it after multiple conversations, but he doesn't think it's necessary because I still maintain everything and he doesn't want to be without me for 2 weeks. I can't talk to him about my struggles. (He has ADHD and non diagnosed autistic tendencies.) If I tell him how I'm feeling he gets angry or he worries and it doesn't help me, so I just don't. It makes it worse. We've been married for almost 4 years but I was drinking when I met him (not to the same extent) and I honestly thinks he likes me better when I'm drinking.
When I stop drinking I want to kill myself. It's all I can think about. Like I'll be driving home, see a big tree, and seriously consider gunning it and hoping for the best. I've been suicidal on and off for over a decade, so it's just natural.
Work is an issue because me leaving for 2 weeks would put a strain on my coworker (even though I've covered her for way longer) and I'm worried about office gossip.
I want to be the best version of myself, the best dog mom, wife, sister, aunt I can be. Or I want to die. I can't live in the in between. I have some health issues related to drinking but my major organs are fine. But I know I'll kill myself or make it way worse if I don't stop.
I guess I'm just venting because no one seems to get it. But if anyone has suggestions for talking to HR/my coworker about leaving without sharing too many details, that would be great. My husband too, but honestly he's a grown man and he's supposed to support me, if he doesn't I can't feel bad, I just can't deal with it right now. Any advice is appreciated.
FYI I talk to an amazing therapist weekly. I was on meds for anxiety and depression on and off for 20 years but they just cloud my judgement and ultimately I feel like they make things worse. I stopped taking them a couple weeks ago and I feel like I'm thinking more clearly.

 

[timf]

In the larger context alcoholism is a type of self-harm like eating disorders and cutting. One goes on the path to get a feeling of control that sort of tunes out some of the anxieties to be found in attempting to manage life. These paths can be started young when someone has not had the opportunity to develop life management skills. The problem can arise that avoiding actual skill development can make one feel even more in need of life avoidance practices.

AA experiences are greatly determined by the character of an AA group. They often say 90 meetings in the first 90 days. This often means have to sit through many different groups. It may be that if you try different groups, you may find one that works a little better for you.

We are all born helpless, ignorant, and selfish. Our parents are supposed to help us improve on this initial condition. However, if they got off to a poor start, they are often in a poor position to help us grow when they may have retarded skills themselves. One result is that dealing with a world that has many people annoying each other is that we can see a world from which we desire to withdraw. Paths of self-harm can result in a type of addiction that increases isolation. Breaking out of isolation can be difficult because in isolation one becomes heavily invested in oneself.

Having a workable marriage is a good way to be forced to invest yourself in another person. Even having a pet can take you out of yourself. If you can find the right AA group, you might also find others who can benefit from your encouragement, and further take you out of yourself. A key perspective can be seeing others as those who need you more that those who annoy you. As your skill level develops, those annoyances that pushed you into self-harm can be seen as issues you now have the skills to navigate.