New title: It CAN get better with proper support (see my comments subsequent to OP)

[TheEmeraldWitch]

I always chased connection, closeness, love. So sad that by the end it doesn't even help and I'm actively avoiding him bullshitting that I got stomach flu when really I can't bring myself to be close to him because it's almost no different to being isolated at my place alone anymore at no fault of his own.

He can't be expected to carry my broken ass. That's not fair or reasonable. I basically need someone to do everything I wanted to accomplish in life with body double style, codependency ig, since heartbreak, mistreatment, neglect, abuse and exploitation whittled away what shreds of independent functioning I stumbled thru trying to develop/maintain for years since getting kicked out by my parents for being trans in 2018 after being raised very dependent on my subtly psychologically abusive mother repelled from my toxic Slavic just do it be a man style dad.

I guess I basically want a partner that's a non toxic version of my parents that would decide and organise things with me down to what clothes I have and when to wash cuz my independent executive function and decision making is so impaired from growing up just tryna please my parents at great cost to my own happiness and sanity only to be tossed away when the trans thing came up cuz I couldn't maintain the mask of the perfect golden boy son they wanted me to be.

I know this is such an unreasonable expectation so I can't actually expect that from a partner. He has his own direction in life, museum studies at college which does slightly cross over with my desire to write and maybe someday create deep complex existential profound impactful meaningful film/tv so his interest in history and to a lesser extent not being opposed to trying to write together maybe could be leveraged into a kind of codependent body doubling creative partnership but he's not on disability like me so if he's not at school like rn over the summer he's doing tough exhausting menial physical labour jobs or looking for work to get by (at least I can subsist on what little disability provides not worried about ending up homeless holding onto social housing for dear life) so during those times I'm alone and my capacity to do anything jumps off a cliff and I just vegetate.

It's so pathetic. I don't know how he tolerates it and still claims that I'm beautiful and great and stuff. If money was no object perhaps that way of life I need could be viable but I'm not even able to maintain any kind of employment. My mind craters within weeks at any kind of job I've tried, painfully aware of the cog in the capitalist machine I so despise basically any kind of job makes me making my mind scream in agony of the repetitive tediousness of day in day out work and it's not fair to him to burden him with our collective financial well-being contributing merely my pitiable below poverty line disability cheque. Working or studying most of the time it's simply not fair to him needing him to take care of my basic functioning when he handles that for himself well enough all on his own. Makes me such a leech. I don't want to be that but it's the only way my mind will let me live. Hence the suicidality. Guess that's what happens when you were sort of kind of spoiled by your parents (tho I never really asked for much from them) taking care of life structure so much for you growing up intermingled with the abuse and ever present grand expectations on your shoulders to keep them happy/proud/pleased.

Sorry for yet another wall of text. Hopefully not too similar to my last long post. Trying to convey something different. Hopefully it came across semi coherently. Again, it's pathetic. I know. It's so embarrassing. But that's what's bringing me to the edge of suicidality. I don't know how to live like this. What I've analysed I need is just not reasonable to ask of anyone. Hence not seeing any other way forward besides ctb even tho I really wish I could love something more than this subsistence my mind has relegated me to.

Thoughts? Advice? Help? Anything? *Screaming into the void*

I know this is so immature and childish of me. Something is seriously wrong with my brain. This isn't normal.

Thx for any response in advance. Hugsss

 

[gottacheckout]

I'm sorry for the pain you are feeling. It doesn't sound like he's done which means you can either go all in and try to work through it or continue to drive him away. I did the former but eventually had to do the latter when it became apparent that I was toxic to my partner. Eventually I was able to have a relationship with her that didn't drag her down. She is still my best friend.

 

[TheEmeraldWitch]

I'm sorry for the pain you are feeling. It doesn't sound like he's done which means you can either go all in and try to work through it or continue to drive him away. I did the former but eventually had to do the latter when it became apparent that I was toxic to my partner. Eventually I was able to have a relationship with her that didn't drag her down. She is still my best friend.

Had a really good conversation with him after typing all this out. Haven't come up with an exact plan to restore my ability to function. Getting my parents on board and to soften up will be critical it seems since it seems more manageable/fair to split up the help I need getting back up on my feet between him and them but also change my expectations of myself and my self talk somewhat. Yes I struggle to function but with nudges I CAN try to do things myself as well. I need to be gentler to myself as well. Viciously critical of myself to the point it reinforces the learned helplessness my parents instilled in me intentionally or not. Need to hold onto this mind state and not lose it, not slip back down to complete and utter bleak hopelessness. He's definitely there for me in that sense. My guy side is even coming back more confidently. I've known I'm non-binary but guess I hold a lot of shame around my guy side since I had to suppress my girl side growing up plus what society says about men didn't help since I never saw myself like those awful men to the point I split I guess which wasn't good for my sense of self either. Lots of layers to unpack.

 

[bankai]

Well that's kind of par for the course.a standard response.they can't do much.it's a usually helpless feeling since they want to help but can't.

It's not your fault or his though.don't feel bad about it.it's just the situation,it isn't you.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

I know exactly what you mean by feeling "done" and "too far gone," despite there theoretically being things you could do to help your life...for me I'm just at the point where a good life has zero appeal to me, and since I don't even want the end-goal, it's hard to justify going through the (often painful) effort and work to get there. I'm too tired for it, anyway. And, like you, even though all my life all I've craved is love and connection, I'm now at the point where it doesn't even do anything anymore. I can't even imagine a loving partnership. I can't feel joy, I can only feel the absence of pain.

If you do feel that having a fulfilling job would help though, have you considered something in the public service since you're in Ottawa? I recently started working in the public sector and have found it to be much more satisfying than in the private sector, even though I make less money and have worse benefits. It's nice to know that I'm not working for some CEO's profit, but for the betterment of my fellow man.

 

[gottacheckout]

Had a really good conversation with him after typing all this out. Haven't come up with an exact plan to restore my ability to function. Getting my parents on board and to soften up will be critical it seems since it seems more manageable/fair to split up the help I need getting back up on my feet between him and them but also change my expectations of myself and my self talk somewhat. Yes I struggle to function but with nudges I CAN try to do things myself as well. I need to be gentler to myself as well. Viciously critical of myself to the point it reinforces the learned helplessness my parents instilled in me intentionally or not. Need to hold onto this mind state and not lose it, not slip back down to complete and utter bleak hopelessness. He's definitely there for me in that sense. My guy side is even coming back more confidently. I've known I'm non-binary but guess I hold a lot of shame around my guy side since I had to suppress my girl side growing up plus what society says about men didn't help since I never saw myself like those awful men to the point I split I guess which wasn't good for my sense of self either. Lots of layers to unpack.

Sounds like you definitely made some progress. If you need anything, even if it is just someone to vent at feel free to do it here or if you want start a conversation with me.

 

[TheEmeraldWitch]

I know exactly what you mean by feeling "done" and "too far gone," despite there theoretically being things you could do to help your life...for me I'm just at the point where a good life has zero appeal to me, and since I don't even want the end-goal, it's hard to justify going through the (often painful) effort and work to get there. I'm too tired for it, anyway. And, like you, even though all my life all I've craved is love and connection, I'm now at the point where it doesn't even do anything anymore. I can't even imagine a loving partnership. I can't feel joy, I can only feel the absence of pain.

If you do feel that having a fulfilling job would help though, have you considered something in the public service since you're in Ottawa? I recently started working in the public sector and have found it to be much more satisfying than in the private sector, even though I make less money and have worse benefits. It's nice to know that I'm not working for some CEO's profit, but for the betterment of my fellow man.

I'm so sorry you're at such a painful spot. Hugsss . A good life never lost its appeal to me I just lost hope that it could be attainable. Hence felt like there was no point in trying and working for anything. Don't give up. I ran into this bf at peak too tired. The desperation of oh shit this guy actually seems decent for once pushed me to function more for like a month or so but I crashed back down soon afterwards realising his mere presence in my life didn't actually fix everything so I have up again. Coming to this forum really helped especially typing out these 2 long posts since I couldn't fully talk to him about it for dear of scaring him off. Having processed things thru writing them out in these posts like I said in my last reply in here I had a wonderful conversation with my bf that made me feel connected to him like I've only felt once before with him and that seems to have injected enough hope (not hopium) to start trying to figure things out again. Now just gotta not rush to try to recover from less than 0 to turbocharged to minimise risk of manically overloading myself back into a crash. Baby steps. Brains are such weird silly stubborn constructs. Regarding work I'll figure something out eventually. I have what little support net disability gives for now as I get more foundational blocks to a functional worthwhile life in order. Ultimately I want to write and hopefully direct nuanced complex rich meaningful film/TV/games and maybe dip back into music again at some point. What kind of public sector work do you do? Most normal jobs I burn out including government as I despise this entire world order government included. I'm also quite skeptical/dour/disillusioned regarding the fellow man. Most people are still pretty shit. The culture makes them that way.

Sounds like you definitely made some progress. If you need anything, even if it is just someone to vent at feel free to do it here or if you want start a conversation with me.

Thanks so much!!! . Would deffo love to keep chatting. I really need to build out a circle of a few good people that understand/have been thru this kind of heavy stuff. I don't really have friends