Discussion I feel...calm?

[Deer_Dairy]

Hello,

about a week ago I decided to ctb. I am struggling depressions and anxiety (and neurological disease) most of my life and I just have enough.
When I decided, I started to feel calm. I know it can happen to people who decide, but approx. three weeks before?
Before my decision, I was hardly able to do some work in my office. Now I can work better and even *plan* CTB to details and do everything necessary.
Anatomical research. Ballistic research. I am visitng places in my city to pick one, which will be good to do it...
It is almost like I am running a project. The success of this project is... well, nonorthodox.
Is this normal?
And another question - now I feel completely capable of doing it (it holds me for week), but I fear I will not finish it at the very end. Is there a way how to get ready, to suppress the SI?

Thank you all for answers and discussion.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

There is a lot of pleasure in suicidal ideation early on. I've been hesitating a long time. Months of this episode, 15 years since the thought first arrived. Now it's making me sick to my stomach. I can't bear doing this to my family. Also I'm absolutely terrified of stepping off the chair. I know I can't do it but it's all I think about and it's making life unbearable. I know tonight is an opportunity but I feel no peace, no relief.

 

[Deer_Dairy]

There is a lot of pleasure in suicidal ideation early on. I've been hesitating a long time. Months of this episode, 15 years since the thought first arrived. Now it's making me sick to my stomach. I can't bear doing this to my family. Also I'm absolutely terrified of stepping off the chair. I know I can't do it but it's all I think about and it's making life unbearable. I know tonight is an opportunity but I feel no peace, no relief.

It is not first time (and not second nor third......) when I think about cbt. I even made some preparations before, but everytime I was like "nah, maybe it get better over time, I will give it a chance."
Now I feel it is more wisdom (is it the right word) related decision than emotions related. I just looked at my situation in past 15 years, made a list of wins and loses, list of dreams I fulfilled vs. I had to scratch etc. And I decided it was enough.

About my family. I have no one except my wife. I know it will be terrible for her, but we have a lot of friends and she has very supportive family, so I think she will recover rather quickly. And, of course, I will leave her all the money and valuables I have, so she won't have to work until she recovers.
I know what it is to lose someone you love, to lose members of family...