Venting anyone else feeling passively suicidal?

[theanonymousssly]

not really actively wanting to ctb, honestly, if a car drove in front of me i'd still dodge. but if i died, i don't care.

friendships have been tough. just started realising recently how bad i am at them, how i ignore those who care about me because i feel pressured and how those that are closest to me (my best friends) don't reach out first. they're shitty friends. my best friends hang out together nightly without inviting me and i know because they post stories about it and im so sick and tired of being a last resort…

all my life ive been a last resort. a disappointment. im in college now, working towards med school, and the biggest exam ive ever taken is in a week and ive barely studied. im so fucked, honestly. i wouldn't care if i died.

i thought i was doing better. now im bad again.

 

[Forever Sleep]

It's mostly passive ideation for me- because I don't feel like I can go till my Dad goes first. So- I'm sort of in a limbo between the two. I have a method prepared (SN- although, expired now,) and I do picture using it from time to time. But then, that works me up- in terms of fear and frustration that I don't feel able to do it yet.

Most of the time though- passive ideation is lurking in the background and, whilst doing stuff I don't want to- which is most things now- it's on a repeat loop in my head.

I've also let friendships drift and I'm negelecting more and more of what I should be doing to live.

 

[meatballlover]

I think passive suicidality is pretty normal. I'd say i shifted towards passive as well recently, im doing bad but relatively stable enough to keep going. Anyway I have read your story and im really sorry to hear it. Good people are in every corner of the earth but unfortunately the earth is round.

 

[theanonymousssly]

It's mostly passive ideation for me- because I don't feel like I can go till my Dad goes first. So- I'm sort of in a limbo between the two. I have a method prepared (SN- although, expired now,) and I do picture using it from time to time. But then, that works me up- in terms of fear and frustration that I don't feel able to do it yet.

Most of the time though- passive ideation is lurking in the background and, whilst doing stuff I don't want to- which is most things now- it's on a repeat loop in my head.

I've also let friendships drift and I'm negelecting more and more of what I should be doing to live.

oh god. we're in the exact same position. i also don't feel i can go until my parents go, and i have my SN method locked in mind (though, my SN itself got confiscated).

I've been neglecting a lot of things too. Friendships, personal health, and…well, everything.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's horrible. I really hope you can either find your peace in death soon, or your life gets better. In the near future. Big hugs

 

[Sardenain]

I guess passive suicidal ideation is very common. I would like to compare my own situation to a downhill where I go lower until I stop for a moment and accept that level. But downwards is the only direction I see. And at somepoint, I will drop again to a lower level.

Thus the lack of future, death and suicide are heavily on my mind. And that of course affects how I see the present. But at the same time I am not in the hurry to go even more down. Because I "know" that I will get there without being active.

 

[spiders.in.my.head]

I've been more passively suicidal lately too. Still hate myself and wish i were dead, but not severely enough to do it. So for now, I'm stuck ruminating about everything I've done wrong and everything I can still fuck up in the future.

 

[dreamofnofuture]

Been feeling pretty passively suicidal myself too. Mosty bc I don't have the stuff I need to do it and bc there are things I still wanna do and see through.

Modern life and oversocialization contribute a lot to people's SI. They contribute to mine.

I'm not opposed to everything of modern life. I love electronics, I love social media (this platform and YT are awesome), but the top 10% are stripping everything from the rest of us. Our humanity, our community, our dignity, our ability to live well with one job or one income. We're going into debt. We're being trapped and surveilled by our governments. Nature is being taken from us by cutting down trees, homelessness is criminalized, privatization of mother nature, a college degree is putting people into a lifetime of debt when a summer job could pay for a year of tuition at one point (if I'm remembering correctly). Our ability to even fkn live is being taken from us.

Did our ancestors 200k years ago have to pay property tax? No. Did they have to sit at a desk for at least 8 hours a day and go to endless meetings, or deal with getting cursed out by dumb customers bc an item on the menu isn't available, just to not be able to afford rent and go into credit card debt to pay for groceries? No. They were nomads, they bartered, they were one with nature, they were able to move their bodies way more than we do, they used shrooms to improve their brains, they were able to cast out psychopaths and narcissists from their tribes meanwhile our society actively ROOTS for them (Sam Altman, Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos)? They took care of the physically ill for nothing. Meanwhile, "invalids" are tossed in the trash and judged.

Modern life has birthed many antisocial, narcissistic personalities, and humans were never meant to live like this.

I hope your situation improves and that better friends come your way.