iknowwhatyouredoing
something inside turned the lights out
- Jan 30, 2020
- 40
i dont want to die but i feel like i have no other choice due to my life decisions which have lead to chronic guilt
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Life has treated us all unfairly, may we all live long and prosper. If you choose
I don't wanna go but I think death is the only way because of what I feel
I think most people here (myself included) don't "want" to die, they just don't want to live.
Dying is traumatic but it's the only solution for those who truly do not wish to live.
Dying is traumatic but it's the only solution for those who truly do not wish to live.
I keep thinking that I don't want to want to die. I am lucky to have a lot of the circumstances I have, but my brain is unrelenting in its agenda to transfix itself on craving death. After several decades, it's hard to deny the compelling argument.
I do not want to die. But I pulled the trigger on myself years ago when I was young and dumb and am severely regretting it and living with the consequences now. Unfortunately, said consequences are not just the kind of thing I can move on from as my entire physical being has been catastrophically affected. I mean, there was always trauma but had I been the healthy, attractive woman I could have been I would have worked through it. But alas, I'm in pain and have a life of misery to look forward to. Miss me with that shit.
takeyourshotfunboy
Smile...
- Oct 11, 2019
- 206
I don't want to die, but I have to die.
handsbarelywork
Member
- May 7, 2024
- 6
Exact same feeling, just in to much pain and suffering to go on, noone can live with these problems Used to think I was just weak but it has become to much to bare
keg-ireland
Member
- May 3, 2024
- 52
And you too, i totally understand how you feel and I'm the same as you - My ears issues have destroyed both our lives so wanting to CTB is understandable.
What shocked me was how little ENT Consultants know and can do. At the start of my illness I triely expected to be given a course of meds and that would cure all. But was shocked they could do nothing and admitted they don't know how Menieres Disease is caused nor how to relieve symptoms or cure it. Googling up the disease is all bullshit - they say they can help the disease with meds and diet but it's all bullshit, I've tried it all. Since joining a FB group on the disease last year 3 members have completed CTB - we try and support each other but it's so hard as you are fixated on your own debilitating symptoms.
24/7 nausea feeling like you need to throw up, frequent violent vertigo attacks lasting 5 hrs, head pain and pressure, many trips to hospital to be sent home again the next day as they cant help you. And the annoying screaming tinnitus is so frustrating, hearing my voice back at me, popping and clicking noises, can hear my heart beating, hear whoosh sounds all the time, chronic hyperacusis......the list goes on.
All this led to severe depression and agitation. No meds have helped and they have said I have treatment resistant depression and are offering ECT - I told them no way as the root cause is still going to be there and destroying my life no matter what treatment they throw at me. I've well and truely had enough.
Strong SI and the thoughts of hurting my mum and dad have so far prevented me from CTB. Hopefully I will soon overcome that and complete CTB and be at peace.
Totally understand what you are going through and i genuinely wish you peace.
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EyesOfNight
the night will be eternal
- Feb 2, 2024
- 370
I don't want to die. Dying is such a hassle. I just want to be dead.
foreverfalling
Experienced
- Jul 22, 2022
- 271
I don't want to die, I just want to be free of the pain and suffering. Dying at the most appropriate time and method is the most logical way.
You've gone through exactly the same as me and you soon realise how flawed the system is and how scary it is when nothing can be done to correct your physical issues, only to then be told you need to work on your mental health! It's not a mental health issue, it's physical issues causing mental distress, but because voluntary assisted dying is not available in this country all they can then offer is to put you on antidepressants, refer you to the crisis team, offer counselling, CBT etc. That's when you realise you're trapped in this position, alone and with no help available to either cure your physical conditions or to put an end to it.
They label you as depressed which is a fucking joke. I'm like yeah no shit I'm depressed, wouldn't you be if living with all this crap. You can't just treat the depression side of it and then you'll be magically happy about all the physical issues you're going through, it simply does not work that way.
Only this morning my psychiatrist said "I feel your problems are mental because you're preoccupied with it". WTF? I can't breathe, of course I'm preoccupied with it. It's absurd. The absence of assisted dying, as you say, forces those of us with odd physical symptoms down the mental health route. I wish I was Dutch!
It's a complete joke. It's because there is no option of voluntary assisted dying, so all they can do is discuss ways of trying to cope/live with whatever condition or conditions you have, because they cannot offer anything else. That's when you feel completely alone and trapped in the realisation that you cannot be cured and are expected to carry on living with your conditions until you eventually die of a natural death, which could be decades away.
Thanks to this website, I don't feel trapped and I don't feel alone. It's good to know there are others like you and keg-Ireland going through similar things.
A couple of appointments ago I even brought up Dutch euthanasia with my psychiatrist. His only reply was "we don't give up on people in this country". It's a complete joke as you say. Worse still are the government. They complain about people living on the sick but don't provide humane ways to die. I get 750 quid sick pay on universal credit per month, presumably you're on the same?
lkjhgfdsa1
🖤
- Apr 17, 2024
- 442
Me. I never really wanted to die.
Actually, I really wanted to live-- but I self sabotaged my life to the point of no return.
Now, the only way out is death.
Actually, I really wanted to live-- but I self sabotaged my life to the point of no return.
Now, the only way out is death.
It's not about giving up on people, it's about not letting them continue suffering when there are no medical cures for the conditions causing suffering. What a fucking stupid thing to say. If your psychiatrist was going through what you are, they wouldn't be saying that then! Gets me so angry.
I've been off work for 5 months now, so I'm still receiving full sick pay, but after June I have no idea what happens then. Praying my Pegasos application is approved before then so I don't need to worry about it because I'll be gone!
Might have to look into the universal credit if not.
I dont 100% want to die but i know i need to. Im messed and my life's messed and its not fixable.
Now i need miracle with money situation just survive next month. (=not going to happen)
I know what needs to be done asap, battling with the SI coming up as toughts like i dont want to die. Theres no options left.
Now i need miracle with money situation just survive next month. (=not going to happen)
I know what needs to be done asap, battling with the SI coming up as toughts like i dont want to die. Theres no options left.
My god
I never considered that some of you don't want to die
This breaks my heart
I'm so sure that I'm ready
I desire it the way one desires true love
I know I have nothing and I'm so down and out I no longer want anything
But to know that all yall want in order to live could be so simple and it's not happening
So death is the option not the chosen choice
I'm so sorry and I wish I could fix it
I never considered that some of you don't want to die
This breaks my heart
I'm so sure that I'm ready
I desire it the way one desires true love
I know I have nothing and I'm so down and out I no longer want anything
But to know that all yall want in order to live could be so simple and it's not happening
So death is the option not the chosen choice
I'm so sorry and I wish I could fix it
I don't want to die but the circumstances make me suicidal and probably will have to attempt one day to prevent myself from further suffering.
It'd be better if I was gone already but it's not that easy and I still would prefer to live.
It'd be better if I was gone already but it's not that easy and I still would prefer to live.
Arachno
oh no :(
- Apr 10, 2023
- 261
I wish I could be a functional, healthy and talented person and have an enjoyable life. But that's not possible for me sadly, I just can't handle the stress life and future brings, I don't see much future for myself, I feel like I wasn't made for this world, plus there are other things that make life worse forme like my OCD being absolutely torturous. So death is my only way out.
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Quite. I didn't have much of an opinion on euthanasia before I become sick, now I'm strongly in favour. My psychiatrist has come to the conclusion that I'm crazy, he thinks my nose problems are all in my head and all it needs is psychiatric drugs to sort it out. It's harsh, but he hasn't looked at any the research into the condition I have (rhinitis medicamentosa), instead he's come to his own conclusions based on other patients he's seen. It gets me very angry too.
I hope your Pegasos application is approved too, for your sake. SN suicide is doable but much worse than assisted suicide. I have read that the Swiss clinics are quite fussy though and do reject people, so who knows if you'll be successful. I'm going with SN later this year if the surgery fails…
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I was the same, never gave suicide or voluntary assisted dying a 2nd though before my ear conditions. Certainly a wake up call to how fucked we all are at some point in our lives. Even if by some god damn miracle I find cures for my ear conditions, I would still continue to be a member of Pegasos or Dignitas because we will all be in a position at some point where we want our suffering to end peacefully.
Very very few people pass peacefully in their sleep, so the chances are we will develop conditions that cause suffering, even if you make it to old age.
My opinion now having been through what I have is that we shouldn't even be allowed to bring someone into this world without the option of peacefully exiting when the time comes.
prototypian
Student
- May 6, 2024
- 104
I think that you will find that a majority of suicidal ideation afflicted people do not want to die. They actually don't want to exist or to be alive or to have pain or emotional suffering day in and day out. The desire isn't to die. That's like asking who wants to be hurt or who wants to have an injury. Most do not. But the very large majority of people do not want to exist anymore. If suicidal ideation afflicted people could "fall asleep and never wake up" they would choose that. Or "disappear and never have to face their emotions or past" they would choose that. The resulting end to this philosophy is that suicide becomes an option during black and white thinking. If you 1) want the emotional pain or physical pain to stop more than anything else and 2) there is no way to make it stop then the the desire is to cease to exist. In many cases the ceasing to exist takes a path to land at suicide. Wanting to die becomes part of the few options left.
Lady Laudanum
Here for a bad time, not a long time
- May 9, 2024
- 873
There is something really important to me that I need to achieve before I die. Because of that, not only do I not want to die, but I'm legit scared of dying.
After I achieve that thing, there's a chance that I'll want to CTB. There's also a change that I won't. I don't know though.
After I achieve that thing, there's a chance that I'll want to CTB. There's also a change that I won't. I don't know though.
ForgottenAgain
On the rollercoaster of sadness
- Oct 17, 2023
- 1,141
I don't want to die, always believed in treatment and that persistence and hard work would get me to better places in life.
Now that I have several years of hard work behind me, completed my goals and found out I'm still miserable even though my life is good - my only hope is that the psychiatrist wakes up and finds a solution to my brain. However, these several months have shown me that they have no idea what they're doing and the past 16 years of therapy may well have just been placebo. My trust in the health care industry is at a all time low, if things don't improve I don't know what I'll do.
Now that I have several years of hard work behind me, completed my goals and found out I'm still miserable even though my life is good - my only hope is that the psychiatrist wakes up and finds a solution to my brain. However, these several months have shown me that they have no idea what they're doing and the past 16 years of therapy may well have just been placebo. My trust in the health care industry is at a all time low, if things don't improve I don't know what I'll do.
I don't want to go through the dieing process but the actual state of being dead seems preferable to me than being alive. Life's too much work. It's too conditional on things. Especially money and we lose so much throughout our lives- our loved ones, our youth, our health. It just feels like a grueling game with shitty odds to me!
tinydancer
Member
- May 17, 2024
- 10
I don't particularly want to die or harm myself, I just don't want to be here.
I was kinda doomed from birth born to a dysfunctional set of parents and the damage done runs too deep for me to ever heal and be happy.
I have kids myself, I'd end it all tonight but o can't bear to leave them all alone on this cruel world. It's a terrible catch 22 situation, I feel emotionally blackmailed into staying alive for my children but I also want to be away from them because I want to leave this world so badly. Breaks my heart every minute of the day.
I was kinda doomed from birth born to a dysfunctional set of parents and the damage done runs too deep for me to ever heal and be happy.
I have kids myself, I'd end it all tonight but o can't bear to leave them all alone on this cruel world. It's a terrible catch 22 situation, I feel emotionally blackmailed into staying alive for my children but I also want to be away from them because I want to leave this world so badly. Breaks my heart every minute of the day.
This.
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Couldn't agree more. Without this website, I'd be faced with decades of misery with my stupid nose.
Do you vote? Interestingly, Kier Starmer supports euthanasia, so if I'm still around when the election is on, that's who I'm voting for. https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-67785112
