• ⚠️ UK Access Block Notice: Beginning July 1, 2025, this site will no longer be accessible from the United Kingdom. This is a voluntary decision made by the site's administrators. We were not forced or ordered to implement this block. If you're located in the UK, we recommend using a VPN to maintain access.

iknowwhatyouredoing

iknowwhatyouredoing

something inside turned the lights out
Jan 30, 2020
40
i dont want to die but i feel like i have no other choice due to my life decisions which have lead to chronic guilt
 
  • Like
Reactions: tinydancer, chocolate, lkjhgfdsa1 and 1 other person
H

Hotsackage

Enlightened
Mar 11, 2019
1,148
Life has treated us all unfairly, may we all live long and prosper. If you choose
 
  • Like
Reactions: dggtscccvfd
C

Coffeandamug

Words are quite useless, and so am I.
Oct 22, 2020
171
I don't wanna go but I think death is the only way because of what I feel
 
  • Like
Reactions: tinydancer, lkjhgfdsa1 and dggtscccvfd
B

BardBarrie

Specialist
Mar 17, 2024
313
I think most people here (myself included) don't "want" to die, they just don't want to live.

Dying is traumatic but it's the only solution for those who truly do not wish to live.
 
  • Like
Reactions: tinydancer, dggtscccvfd and EyesOfNight
S

snakefeet

Member
Mar 25, 2024
10
I keep thinking that I don't want to want to die. I am lucky to have a lot of the circumstances I have, but my brain is unrelenting in its agenda to transfix itself on craving death. After several decades, it's hard to deny the compelling argument.
 
  • Like
Reactions: dggtscccvfd
L

lizzywizzy09

Arcanist
May 11, 2024
462
I do not want to die. But I pulled the trigger on myself years ago when I was young and dumb and am severely regretting it and living with the consequences now. Unfortunately, said consequences are not just the kind of thing I can move on from as my entire physical being has been catastrophically affected. I mean, there was always trauma but had I been the healthy, attractive woman I could have been I would have worked through it. But alas, I'm in pain and have a life of misery to look forward to. Miss me with that shit.
 
  • Like
  • Hugs
Reactions: dggtscccvfd and sancta-simplicitas
takeyourshotfunboy

takeyourshotfunboy

Smile...
Oct 11, 2019
206
I don't want to die, but I have to die.
 
  • Like
  • Hugs
Reactions: lizzywizzy09, tinydancer, chocolate and 2 others
handsbarelywork

handsbarelywork

Member
May 7, 2024
6
I don't want to die, but I have to die.
Exact same feeling, just in to much pain and suffering to go on, noone can live with these problems Used to think I was just weak but it has become to much to bare
 
  • Like
  • Love
Reactions: Defenestration, tinydancer, dggtscccvfd and 1 other person
keg-ireland

keg-ireland

Member
May 3, 2024
52
I feel your pain I really do. I'm only 41 and now my life is fucked due to these stupid ears. If I had my normal ears back I'd be back out there loving life. I wake up every day wishing it was all a dream. Absolute shitness
And you too, i totally understand how you feel and I'm the same as you - My ears issues have destroyed both our lives so wanting to CTB is understandable.

What shocked me was how little ENT Consultants know and can do. At the start of my illness I triely expected to be given a course of meds and that would cure all. But was shocked they could do nothing and admitted they don't know how Menieres Disease is caused nor how to relieve symptoms or cure it. Googling up the disease is all bullshit - they say they can help the disease with meds and diet but it's all bullshit, I've tried it all. Since joining a FB group on the disease last year 3 members have completed CTB - we try and support each other but it's so hard as you are fixated on your own debilitating symptoms.

24/7 nausea feeling like you need to throw up, frequent violent vertigo attacks lasting 5 hrs, head pain and pressure, many trips to hospital to be sent home again the next day as they cant help you. And the annoying screaming tinnitus is so frustrating, hearing my voice back at me, popping and clicking noises, can hear my heart beating, hear whoosh sounds all the time, chronic hyperacusis......the list goes on.

All this led to severe depression and agitation. No meds have helped and they have said I have treatment resistant depression and are offering ECT - I told them no way as the root cause is still going to be there and destroying my life no matter what treatment they throw at me. I've well and truely had enough.

Strong SI and the thoughts of hurting my mum and dad have so far prevented me from CTB. Hopefully I will soon overcome that and complete CTB and be at peace.

Totally understand what you are going through and i genuinely wish you peace.
.
 
Last edited:
  • Like
Reactions: dggtscccvfd
EyesOfNight

EyesOfNight

the night will be eternal
Feb 2, 2024
370
I don't want to die. Dying is such a hassle. I just want to be dead.
 
  • Like
  • Hugs
Reactions: snakefeet, Defenestration, tinydancer and 3 others
foreverfalling

foreverfalling

Experienced
Jul 22, 2022
271
I don't want to die, I just want to be free of the pain and suffering. Dying at the most appropriate time and method is the most logical way.
 
  • Like
  • Hugs
Reactions: lkjhgfdsa1, lizzywizzy09 and dggtscccvfd
R

Rubypie41

Experienced
Mar 25, 2024
260
And you too, i totally understand how you feel and I'm the same as you - My ears issues have destroyed both our lives so wanting to CTB is understandable.

What shocked me was how little ENT Consultants know and can do. At the start of my illness I triely expected to be given a course of meds and that would cure all. But was shocked they could do nothing and admitted they don't know how Menieres Disease is caused nor how to relieve symptoms or cure it. Googling up the disease is all bullshit - they say they can help the disease with meds and diet but it's all bullshit, I've tried it all. Since joining a FB group on the disease last year 3 members have completed CTB - we try and support each other but it's so hard as you are fixated on your own debilitating symptoms.

24/7 nausea feeling like you need to throw up, frequent violent vertigo attacks lasting 5 hrs, head pain and pressure, many trips to hospital to be sent home again the next day as they cant help you. And the annoying screaming tinnitus is so frustrating, hearing my voice back at me, popping and clicking noises, can hear my heart beating, hear whoosh sounds all the time, chronic hyperacusis......the list goes on.

All this led to severe depression and agitation. No meds have helped and they have said I have treatment resistant depression and are offering ECT - I told them no way as the root cause is still going to be there and destroying my life no matter what treatment they throw at me. I've well and truely had enough.

Strong SI and the thoughts of hurting my mum and dad have so far prevented me from CTB. Hopefully I will soon overcome that and complete CTB and be at peace.

Totally understand what you are going through and i genuinely wish you peace.
.
You've gone through exactly the same as me and you soon realise how flawed the system is and how scary it is when nothing can be done to correct your physical issues, only to then be told you need to work on your mental health! It's not a mental health issue, it's physical issues causing mental distress, but because voluntary assisted dying is not available in this country all they can then offer is to put you on antidepressants, refer you to the crisis team, offer counselling, CBT etc. That's when you realise you're trapped in this position, alone and with no help available to either cure your physical conditions or to put an end to it.

They label you as depressed which is a fucking joke. I'm like yeah no shit I'm depressed, wouldn't you be if living with all this crap. You can't just treat the depression side of it and then you'll be magically happy about all the physical issues you're going through, it simply does not work that way.
 
  • Like
  • Hugs
Reactions: suffering_mo, lizzywizzy09 and dggtscccvfd
D

dggtscccvfd

Mage
Jun 1, 2023
563
You've gone through exactly the same as me and you soon realise how flawed the system is and how scary it is when nothing can be done to correct your physical issues, only to then be told you need to work on your mental health! It's not a mental health issue, it's physical issues causing mental distress, but because voluntary assisted dying is not available in this country all they can then offer is to put you on antidepressants, refer you to the crisis team, offer counselling, CBT etc. That's when you realise you're trapped in this position, alone and with no help available to either cure your physical conditions or to put an end to it.

They label you as depressed which is a fucking joke. I'm like yeah no shit I'm depressed, wouldn't you be if living with all this crap. You can't just treat the depression side of it and then you'll be magically happy about all the physical issues you're going through, it simply does not work that way.
Only this morning my psychiatrist said "I feel your problems are mental because you're preoccupied with it". WTF? I can't breathe, of course I'm preoccupied with it. It's absurd. The absence of assisted dying, as you say, forces those of us with odd physical symptoms down the mental health route. I wish I was Dutch!
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: ForgottenAgain and lizzywizzy09
R

Rubypie41

Experienced
Mar 25, 2024
260
Only this morning my psychiatrist said "I feel your problems are mental because you're preoccupied with it". WTF? I can't breathe, of course I'm preoccupied with it. It's absurd. The absence of assisted dying, as you say, forces those of us with odd physical symptoms down the mental health route. I wish I was Dutch!
It's a complete joke. It's because there is no option of voluntary assisted dying, so all they can do is discuss ways of trying to cope/live with whatever condition or conditions you have, because they cannot offer anything else. That's when you feel completely alone and trapped in the realisation that you cannot be cured and are expected to carry on living with your conditions until you eventually die of a natural death, which could be decades away.
 
  • Like
Reactions: ForgottenAgain, lizzywizzy09 and dggtscccvfd
D

dggtscccvfd

Mage
Jun 1, 2023
563
It's a complete joke. It's because there is no option of voluntary assisted dying, so all they can do is discuss ways of trying to cope/live with whatever condition or conditions you have, because they cannot offer anything else. That's when you feel completely alone and trapped in the realisation that you cannot be cured and are expected to carry on living with your conditions until you eventually die of a natural death, which could be decades away.
Thanks to this website, I don't feel trapped and I don't feel alone. It's good to know there are others like you and keg-Ireland going through similar things.

A couple of appointments ago I even brought up Dutch euthanasia with my psychiatrist. His only reply was "we don't give up on people in this country". It's a complete joke as you say. Worse still are the government. They complain about people living on the sick but don't provide humane ways to die. I get 750 quid sick pay on universal credit per month, presumably you're on the same?
 
lkjhgfdsa1

lkjhgfdsa1

🖤
Apr 17, 2024
442
Me. I never really wanted to die.
Actually, I really wanted to live-- but I self sabotaged my life to the point of no return.
Now, the only way out is death.
 
  • Like
  • Hugs
Reactions: Defenestration, lizzywizzy09 and dggtscccvfd
R

Rubypie41

Experienced
Mar 25, 2024
260
Thanks to this website, I don't feel trapped and I don't feel alone. It's good to know there are others like you and keg-Ireland going through similar things.

A couple of appointments ago I even brought up Dutch euthanasia with my psychiatrist. His only reply was "we don't give up on people in this country". It's a complete joke as you say. Worse still are the government. They complain about people living on the sick but don't provide humane ways to die. I get 750 quid sick pay on universal credit per month, presumably you're on the same?
It's not about giving up on people, it's about not letting them continue suffering when there are no medical cures for the conditions causing suffering. What a fucking stupid thing to say. If your psychiatrist was going through what you are, they wouldn't be saying that then! Gets me so angry.

I've been off work for 5 months now, so I'm still receiving full sick pay, but after June I have no idea what happens then. Praying my Pegasos application is approved before then so I don't need to worry about it because I'll be gone!

Might have to look into the universal credit if not.
 
  • Like
Reactions: lizzywizzy09 and dggtscccvfd
S

silence ends

Student
Jan 10, 2023
121
I dont 100% want to die but i know i need to. Im messed and my life's messed and its not fixable.
Now i need miracle with money situation just survive next month. (=not going to happen)

I know what needs to be done asap, battling with the SI coming up as toughts like i dont want to die. Theres no options left.
 
  • Like
Reactions: dggtscccvfd
M

Mi Mi

No One Special
Mar 18, 2024
308
My god
I never considered that some of you don't want to die
This breaks my heart
I'm so sure that I'm ready
I desire it the way one desires true love
I know I have nothing and I'm so down and out I no longer want anything
But to know that all yall want in order to live could be so simple and it's not happening
So death is the option not the chosen choice
I'm so sorry and I wish I could fix it
 
  • Like
  • Love
Reactions: ijustwishtodie, dggtscccvfd, rozeske and 1 other person
H

HerculePoirot

(Frozen account)
Sep 25, 2022
751
Don't want to die.
May want to be dead.
 
  • Like
Reactions: dggtscccvfd
P

Praestat_Mori

Mori praestat, quam haec pati!
May 21, 2023
12,844
I don't want to die but the circumstances make me suicidal and probably will have to attempt one day to prevent myself from further suffering.

It'd be better if I was gone already but it's not that easy and I still would prefer to live.
 
  • Like
  • Love
Reactions: dggtscccvfd and Mi Mi
Arachno

Arachno

oh no :(
Apr 10, 2023
261
I wish I could be a functional, healthy and talented person and have an enjoyable life. But that's not possible for me sadly, I just can't handle the stress life and future brings, I don't see much future for myself, I feel like I wasn't made for this world, plus there are other things that make life worse forme like my OCD being absolutely torturous. So death is my only way out.
 
Last edited:
  • Like
Reactions: tinydancer, Vicolo cieco and dggtscccvfd
D

dggtscccvfd

Mage
Jun 1, 2023
563
It's not about giving up on people, it's about not letting them continue suffering when there are no medical cures for the conditions causing suffering. What a fucking stupid thing to say. If your psychiatrist was going through what you are, they wouldn't be saying that then! Gets me so angry.

I've been off work for 5 months now, so I'm still receiving full sick pay, but after June I have no idea what happens then. Praying my Pegasos application is approved before then so I don't need to worry about it because I'll be gone!

Might have to look into the universal credit if not.
Quite. I didn't have much of an opinion on euthanasia before I become sick, now I'm strongly in favour. My psychiatrist has come to the conclusion that I'm crazy, he thinks my nose problems are all in my head and all it needs is psychiatric drugs to sort it out. It's harsh, but he hasn't looked at any the research into the condition I have (rhinitis medicamentosa), instead he's come to his own conclusions based on other patients he's seen. It gets me very angry too.

I hope your Pegasos application is approved too, for your sake. SN suicide is doable but much worse than assisted suicide. I have read that the Swiss clinics are quite fussy though and do reject people, so who knows if you'll be successful. I'm going with SN later this year if the surgery fails…
 
Last edited:
R

Rubypie41

Experienced
Mar 25, 2024
260
Quite. I didn't have much of an opinion on euthanasia before I become sick, now I'm strongly in favour. My psychiatrist has come to the conclusion that I'm crazy, he thinks my nose problems are all in my head and all it needs is psychiatric drugs to sort it out. It's harsh, but he hasn't looked at any the research into the condition I have (rhinitis medicamentosa), instead he's come to his own conclusions based on other patients he's seen. It gets me very angry too.

I hope your Pegasos application is approved too, for your sake. SN suicide is doable but much worse than assisted suicide. I have read that the Swiss clinics are quite fussy though and do reject people, so who knows if you'll be successful. I'm going with SN later this year if the surgery fails…
I was the same, never gave suicide or voluntary assisted dying a 2nd though before my ear conditions. Certainly a wake up call to how fucked we all are at some point in our lives. Even if by some god damn miracle I find cures for my ear conditions, I would still continue to be a member of Pegasos or Dignitas because we will all be in a position at some point where we want our suffering to end peacefully.

Very very few people pass peacefully in their sleep, so the chances are we will develop conditions that cause suffering, even if you make it to old age.

My opinion now having been through what I have is that we shouldn't even be allowed to bring someone into this world without the option of peacefully exiting when the time comes.
 
  • Like
Reactions: dggtscccvfd
prototypian

prototypian

Student
May 6, 2024
104
I think that you will find that a majority of suicidal ideation afflicted people do not want to die. They actually don't want to exist or to be alive or to have pain or emotional suffering day in and day out. The desire isn't to die. That's like asking who wants to be hurt or who wants to have an injury. Most do not. But the very large majority of people do not want to exist anymore. If suicidal ideation afflicted people could "fall asleep and never wake up" they would choose that. Or "disappear and never have to face their emotions or past" they would choose that. The resulting end to this philosophy is that suicide becomes an option during black and white thinking. If you 1) want the emotional pain or physical pain to stop more than anything else and 2) there is no way to make it stop then the the desire is to cease to exist. In many cases the ceasing to exist takes a path to land at suicide. Wanting to die becomes part of the few options left.
 
  • Like
Reactions: snakefeet and dggtscccvfd
Lady Laudanum

Lady Laudanum

Here for a bad time, not a long time
May 9, 2024
873
There is something really important to me that I need to achieve before I die. Because of that, not only do I not want to die, but I'm legit scared of dying.

After I achieve that thing, there's a chance that I'll want to CTB. There's also a change that I won't. I don't know though.
 
  • Like
Reactions: dggtscccvfd
ForgottenAgain

ForgottenAgain

On the rollercoaster of sadness
Oct 17, 2023
1,141
I don't want to die, always believed in treatment and that persistence and hard work would get me to better places in life.

Now that I have several years of hard work behind me, completed my goals and found out I'm still miserable even though my life is good - my only hope is that the psychiatrist wakes up and finds a solution to my brain. However, these several months have shown me that they have no idea what they're doing and the past 16 years of therapy may well have just been placebo. My trust in the health care industry is at a all time low, if things don't improve I don't know what I'll do.
 
  • Like
Reactions: snakefeet and dggtscccvfd
F

Forever Sleep

Earned it we have...
May 4, 2022
12,296
I don't want to go through the dieing process but the actual state of being dead seems preferable to me than being alive. Life's too much work. It's too conditional on things. Especially money and we lose so much throughout our lives- our loved ones, our youth, our health. It just feels like a grueling game with shitty odds to me!
 
  • Hugs
  • Like
Reactions: dggtscccvfd and LaVieEnRose
tinydancer

tinydancer

Member
May 17, 2024
10
I don't particularly want to die or harm myself, I just don't want to be here.
I was kinda doomed from birth born to a dysfunctional set of parents and the damage done runs too deep for me to ever heal and be happy.
I have kids myself, I'd end it all tonight but o can't bear to leave them all alone on this cruel world. It's a terrible catch 22 situation, I feel emotionally blackmailed into staying alive for my children but I also want to be away from them because I want to leave this world so badly. Breaks my heart every minute of the day.
I don't want to die. Dying is such a hassle. I just want to be dead.
This.
 
Last edited:
  • Like
  • Hugs
Reactions: lizzywizzy09, FrownyFace and dggtscccvfd
D

dggtscccvfd

Mage
Jun 1, 2023
563
I was the same, never gave suicide or voluntary assisted dying a 2nd though before my ear conditions. Certainly a wake up call to how fucked we all are at some point in our lives. Even if by some god damn miracle I find cures for my ear conditions, I would still continue to be a member of Pegasos or Dignitas because we will all be in a position at some point where we want our suffering to end peacefully.

Very very few people pass peacefully in their sleep, so the chances are we will develop conditions that cause suffering, even if you make it to old age.

My opinion now having been through what I have is that we shouldn't even be allowed to bring someone into this world without the option of peacefully exiting when the time comes.
Couldn't agree more. Without this website, I'd be faced with decades of misery with my stupid nose.

Do you vote? Interestingly, Kier Starmer supports euthanasia, so if I'm still around when the election is on, that's who I'm voting for. https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-67785112
 

Similar threads