Venting mainting friendships

[nancyboy]

haven't been active in a while. apologies
putting this on the "recovery" forum bc it's less abt suicide n more about feeling worthless in friendships

I feel like none of my friends like me. I guess it doesn't help that 99% are online, either because they're in other states or college, but I can't stop feeling like I don't belong. I try my best to maintain them, but it feels so futile when they don't reach out and I slowly realize that I'm probably not just wanted around anymore. It feels like everyone is going behind my back and shit talking me in some capacity. It feels so pointless to even try anymore when it feels like they're all conspiring against me. Or they're all just giving me a cold shoulder in attempts to ward me away. I'm having an argument about it right now with one of them, and I can't stop crying.

I can't lie and say I haven't considered abandoning the internet. It's so tempting when I feel like nobody will notice or care. Maybe it's because I want to prove myself correct. Prove to myself that all this stress is ok because I'm right. I guess it's hard to try and maintain anything and improve yourself when everything feels so useless. Like the odds are already against you.
I accidentally posted this before I wanted to finish but I guess it gets my vent across. I dunno

 

[Sheepskin]

I'm experiencing something similar myself so this probably won't be of much help. But still in my eyes it's not unlikely that you're mostly right about feeling as if they won't notice or care. Though I don't know, I'm just going of off what you've said here and my experience, intuition.

I can't really suggest any good solution to this problem, as if I had one I'd use it on myself. However maybe just testing your friends with time, seeing if perhaps they reach out of their own volition, and not focusing on maintaining relationships so much could be of some help. I know, easier said than done, but I suffer from at least BPD symptoms (I haven't yet attempted getting a diagnosis because of my aversion to psychiatrists) so I really know how difficult it is not to use so much of your time and energy on keeping relationships alive, and yet I'm just about managing (possibly thanks to my devolving mental state, possibly not, who knows)

It does also kind of sound like you're maybe a little paranoid (not saying that you are, just pointing out the possibility). Nevertheless your stress is ok, there obviously is a reason you feel this way and that is more than enough to "justify it". Hope you get through this somehow and maybe along the way find friends who don't make you feel like this