Help Is it ok to open up?

[pandabe78]

I have struggled with mental health issues for four years now. Two years ago, I had a couple friends who I opened up to about my struggles. Regretfully, I began to make our friendship about my mental health even though they also had past issues. I became a horrible friend and eventually those friends left they completely disappeared and ghosted me. Although it was necessary, it still broke me. I still have not recovered.

Because of this experience, I have been able to open up to friends since. Even though I am aware of what I did wrong I am terrified that i will become that person again and hurt and ostracize the friends I have now.

I have considered opening up to a friend of mine because he has said he is willing to listen and I trust him however he also has struggles. I don't want to make it worse and trigger him nor do I want to make him feel like he can't talk to me about his struggles.

So I don't know what to do. And I was wondering if anyone had any advice?

 

[Lamentice]

I think the answer is boundaries. I've heard that people should communicate their boundaries so both can comfortably exist in a friendship with their needs met how they need them met.

However, I say it like that, because it never actually happens... Technically your friend is offering the support and so it's technically their responsibility to communicate a boundary if what you tell them is too much for their own capacity. But humans never seem to do it that way, they let resentment and exhaustion build until they hate a person and then leave. That pattern is wayyy more common, and then they blame the other for their lack of maturity and communication.

I don't know, it should be safe to open up, but it never ends up so simple in relationships with people. They lie or withhold or lack awareness of their own selves and overextend and a whole bunch of mess and turbulence occurs when it was all preventable.

All I can say is it's a risk, but also know this is coming from a very unhealthy individual who has and continues to puruse complete severance from connection with others.... so I am quite jaded.

 

[Isolatedloser]

All I can say is start slowly and keep it open on both ends. Sorry if my advice is stupid.

 

[orpheus_]

Relationships are complicated and there are no absolutely universal rules like this, but generally: yes, it's okay to open up to people. It can make the relationship deeper and more rewarding for both sides, not keeping things only surface level, especially if your problems are a significant part of your life.
Your concern with taking it too far is real, though. Everything depends on a person and their level of emotional intelligence/life experience/psychological knowledge and other things.
From what I can think of, though:
- ask them before you want to talk about something heavy. Like, every time. Try to keep it separated from all the other stuff you talk about, I guess, if you catch yourself mixing these up too much. Like keep the heavy stuff for talks that are specifically about that.
- let them know that it's okay to tell you when it's too much for them. Tell them that explicitly, and when a situation like this happens, actually respect this rule. So if they tell you "sorry but that's too much", change the subject, be fair.
- do not make them feel like they have to "guess how to help you". I mean: specify whether you're saying something because you just need someone to talk to, or whether you need some practical help from them. Tell them what you expect, or at least try to (I know it's not easy since we do not always know what we expect ourselves), especially: tell them explicitly if you're saying things because you're trying to find solutions for some problem, or if you just need emotional support.
- people will *not* always tell you when something's wrong. Sometimes they do not realize it themselves. So if you're talking to someone and see they're clearly becoming too distressed, maybe stop right there. I'm not saying you should be trying to read their mind but at least be open to their reactions (if you're able to because I realize that for some people reading others' emotions is very difficult).
- People also have various standards of what's a "heavy vent" and what's a "casual talk". I know people who talk about their experiences with psychiatrists or severity of panic attacks like it's the weather. I think it's all about noticing how this specific person feels with various subjects and separating the actually heavy ones from casual talk.

I know these are quite obvious and general. I was on both sides of this, and I also still do not really know how to open up to people myself, and when I do it's usually suicide jokes... (not always the greatest thing).
However I also know what makes things easier when you're in a relationship with a person who has very serious issues - and honestly it will only work well if you both agree to communicate clearly. Easier said than done, I know.

I hope you will be able to open up to people and keep good relationships with them. People with mental health problems also deserve support and relationships that aren't only surface-level, and it's okay. Like you noticed, your negative experiences come from taking things too far, not really from opening up at all itself.

 

[Phobia_DLW]

I have ever only opened up to ONE friend, I think it has to be a one way street when it comes to these kind of things, in this specific situation, you can not both simultaneously ask for support and try to provide support.

"I began to make our friendship about my mental health even though they also had past issues" yea I fucking feel that...

"I became a horrible friend and eventually those friends left they completely disappeared and ghosted me." I also feel this but from the perspective of your friend because I have been there.

It is not easy for anyone.

Best opinion I can offer is, maybe engage in things that made you friends to begin with? shared hobbies?

I am confused about this myself tbh so...

 

[byec560]

Idk hasn't done much for me historically. Better to try and maybe be pleasantly surprised though I suppose.

 

[amy joyce]

I have struggled with mental health issues for four years now. Two years ago, I had a couple friends who I opened up to about my struggles. Regretfully, I began to make our friendship about my mental health even though they also had past issues. I became a horrible friend and eventually those friends left they completely disappeared and ghosted me. Although it was necessary, it still broke me. I still have not recovered.

Because of this experience, I have been able to open up to friends since. Even though I am aware of what I did wrong I am terrified that i will become that person again and hurt and ostracize the friends I have now.

I have considered opening up to a friend of mine because he has said he is willing to listen and I trust him however he also has struggles. I don't want to make it worse and trigger him nor do I want to make him feel like he can't talk to me about his struggles.

So I don't know what to do. And I was wondering if anyone had any advice?

Hi there! It sounds like you can make friends easy enough and that's a blessing. You are doing something a lot of people have trouble with so I would go with what feels natural. The thinking part may come up if become uncomfortable, like they might want to take off. It's always alright to review. I found that people like it when I ask them questions so I do that if it's not too private. They may or may not ask you some, and if not you can always offer. Relationships are always different. You might have a shy friend or one more open. Just always try to be honest. And if you're having a problem it's always okay to ask a friend if they mind talking. Just be aware that they may need you as much as you do them at time.