Venting I'm thinking about going

[Helio_Helio]

Hi... This is my first post here, but I've been a lurker since ~5 years ago.
In short: I'm thinking of going today, but I still have doubts.

I used to be less afraid of committing since I was genuinely trapped inside a severely abusive place, and I couldn't commit just because I was monitored 24/7. But now that I've ran out of there, I've found myself to feel more uncertain about it.

I'm not afraid of ending up as a vegetable, since consider that as good as dead. There's no one I care that would be troubled if I do end up so, they can do whatever they want with my body.

I just feel bad about it, since I've known friends who've hammered in the idea that suicide is cringey, which I don't agree with, but I'm very prone and weak to shame. Shame is often something that actually stops me from doing anything, no matter what it is.

I'm 21 so far, and I know people would tell me that I'm still young and have time, but I've been dealt quite a bad hand in life and I'm simply tired.

Ending my life has been a thought in my mind for so long now, I don't even feel that sadness needs to be a reason to commit.

I guess I would appreciate some conversation, I don't mind any kind of questions.

EDIT:

I think I may go another day. At this point I'm just dragging it on. If I don't get things figured out financially by the end of this month, I'll finish life. I'll leave everything set up as it is so I'd be prepared.

Thank you all who talked to me... I appreciate it. Anyone who'd like to say anything else can feel free to keep leaving replies in this thread

 

[bl33ding_heart]

I hope you find your peace.

 

[Helio_Helio]

I hope you find your peace.

Thank you, I hope so too, here or there. I'm honestly hanging just on the fence.

I hope you feel comfortable today! <3

 

[PenPen<3]

Hi... This is my first post here, but I've been a lurker since ~5 years ago.
In short: I'm thinking of going today, but I still have doubts.

I used to be less afraid of committing since I was genuinely trapped inside a severely abusive place, and I couldn't commit just because I was monitored 24/7. But now that I've ran out of there, I've found myself to feel more uncertain about it.

I'm not afraid of ending up as a vegetable, since consider that as good as dead. There's no one I care that would be troubled if I do end up so, they can do whatever they want with my body.

I just feel bad about it, since I've known friends who've hammered in the idea that suicide is cringey, which I don't agree with, but I'm very prone and weak to shame. Shame is often something that actually stops me from doing anything, no matter what it is.

I'm 21 so far, and I know people would tell me that I'm still young and have time, but I've been dealt quite a bad hand in life and I'm simply tired.

Ending my life has been a thought in my mind for so long now, I don't even feel that sadness needs to be a reason to commit.

I guess I would appreciate some conversation, I don't mind any kind of questions.

Hihi
I get what you mean about the shame, I always feel like everyone will think I made the wrong choice or something. I especially let shame stop me from doing things, like living as who I truly am no matter how much I want to.
I hope you can find some certainty in this choice im always open for conversation I like meeting new people

 

[Helio_Helio]

Hihi
I get what you mean about the shame, I always feel like everyone will think I made the wrong choice or something. I especially let shame stop me from doing things, like living as who I truly am no matter how much I want to.
I hope you can find some certainty in this choice im always open for conversation I like meeting new people

Yeah.. I agree. I did find more peace for myself though, I ended up just kind of kicking all the butts of people who shamed me instead of giving reasoned advice. haha

Thank you... I might just rant about dumb things. I honestly feel a little silly debating if I want to commit or not today. Please see what I talk about with some bit of comedy since I don't want you (or anyone else for that matter) to feel liable or stressed.

I've made it quite far and for a handful of years already from my abusive family, so it feels funny to me now that I just don't want to do it anymore because of my landlord pestering me.

I can't find a job and this economy sucks. Sure I've lived in this economy for my whole life and I've dealt with the same situation but god I am just done with this repetition and constant, constant stress with little worth of reward. Maybe if I die I'll get isekai'd or something, hahaha.

 

[PenPen<3]

Yeah.. I agree. I did find more peace for myself though, I ended up just kind of kicking all the butts of people who shamed me instead of giving reasoned advice. haha

Thank you... I might just rant about dumb things. I honestly feel a little silly debating if I want to commit or not today. Please see what I talk about with some bit of comedy since I don't want you (or anyone else for that matter) to feel liable or stressed.

I've made it quite far and for a handful of years already from my abusive family, so it feels funny to me now that I just don't want to do it anymore because of my landlord pestering me.

I can't find a job and this economy sucks. Sure I've lived in this economy for my whole life and I've dealt with the same situation but god I am just done with this repetition and constant, constant stress with little worth of reward. Maybe if I die I'll get isekai'd or something, hahaha.

Good for u lol people who shame others usually don't need to hear reasoning lol
idm if u rant about stuff at all ^^ I'll try not to worry too much or feel liable, I'll let you know if the conversation makes me uncomfortable I'm usually pretty vocal about stuff like that, but I doubt it'll be bothersome
I think I get you though, I get suicidal thoughts over stuff that seems small. Sometimes the hardest thing is just a normal life that doesn't feel great, because in intense hardship at least we have the instinct to fight to get out. I don't entirely know what I'm saying tho...
I definitely don't look forward to acting like an adult, I turned 18 recently and I dread living life independently bc all I hear is bad things. I know what you mean, repeating the same thing over and over is exhausting and it feels pointless. It's definitely be nice to get isekai'd lol we can hope

 

[Helio_Helio]

Good for u lol people who shame others usually don't need to hear reasoning lol
idm if u rant about stuff at all ^^ I'll try not to worry too much or feel liable, I'll let you know if the conversation makes me uncomfortable I'm usually pretty vocal about stuff like that, but I doubt it'll be bothersome
I think I get you though, I get suicidal thoughts over stuff that seems small. Sometimes the hardest thing is just a normal life that doesn't feel great, because in intense hardship at least we have the instinct to fight to get out. I don't entirely know what I'm saying tho...
I definitely don't look forward to acting like an adult, I turned 18 recently and I dread living life independently bc all I hear is bad things. I know what you mean, repeating the same thing over and over is exhausting and it feels pointless. It's definitely be nice to get isekai'd lol we can hope

oh! Don't take this badly, but you're a babyyyy awwh <33

I can't help but feel that people younger than me are like younger siblings. I never had any siblings but I wish I did a younger one, though definitely not from my household.

The economy does suck. If you have parents who at least can provide for you financially, NEVER feel bad to ask for help as much as you can. If they're bad people, then don't fear running away. I ran away myself so I'd know...

 

[PenPen<3]

oh! Don't take this badly, but you're a babyyyy awwh <33

I can't help but feel that people younger than me are like younger siblings. I never had any siblings but I wish I did a younger one, though definitely not from my household.

The economy does suck. If you have parents who at least can provide for you financially, NEVER feel bad to ask for help as much as you can. If they're bad people, then don't fear running away. I ran away myself so I'd know...

haha ty I don't take that badly it feels kind

that's so fair ^-^ I always like found family because it feels more meaningful sometimes to have people that you chose to be family

Thank you for the advice <3 both my parents aren't very good people especially my Dad but they aren't actively abusive so I'm safe dw. I'll try to ask them for help when possible tho I'm not super good at it :p
I can't fully understand what you went through but one of my close friends had to run away and I know how hard it can be so I hope it wasn't too difficult for you

 

[Helio_Helio]

haha ty I don't take that badly it feels kind

that's so fair ^-^ I always like found family because it feels more meaningful sometimes to have people that you chose to be family

Thank you for the advice <3 both my parents aren't very good people especially my Dad but they aren't actively abusive so I'm safe dw. I'll try to ask them for help when possible tho I'm not super good at it :p
I can't fully understand what you went through but one of my close friends had to run away and I know how hard it can be so I hope it wasn't too difficult for you

I see... Okay good, I'm glad you're at least safe.

It was okay. I'd say most definitely difficult but it's a choice I would never regret.

 

[PenPen<3]

I see... Okay good, I'm glad you're at least safe.

It was okay. I'd say most definitely difficult but it's a choice I would never regret.

well I'm glad ur doing well ^^

I hope you can find some sort of peace in whatever decision u make and u can always send me a pm if u want I use this site most days

 

[Helio_Helio]

well I'm glad ur doing well ^^

I hope you can find some sort of peace in whatever decision u make and u can always send me a pm if u want I use this site most days

Thank you so much! <3