Help Im losing hope and I don't want to

[4colliez]

It's so hard to keep trying, because I've been trying and trying for months. When I attempted a few months ago all the doctors and nurses were telling me about how they're going to do everything to get me proper help. That professionals care about your wellbeing and that they WANT to help.
And now here I am, still suicidal 24/7, I have a a new plan, and NO HELP. The psychiatrist and therapist who were "helping me" have fully given up on me. Maybe it's my issues talking and the way I see the world but I can't see it as anything other than abandonment and pure failure. And this has happened before so it's reinforcing my belief that I am beyond help.

My life is on a complete downward spiral, I hate that I have no control over anything currently going on. I hate myself. I hate my life. I hate the way my future looks. Every single moment is pure emotional torture, with feelings I cannot control at all. I've made up something in my head that is constantly hurting me and I can't stop it. All while simultaneously being trapped in my "self awareness" which is really just be doubting everyone's and my own feelings constantly. I let myself believe I'm disgusting and pathetic for any little thing I feel. That I'm disgusting for even wanting to talk or spend time with anyone because I don't deserve it.

I do want to get better but I just can't make sense of this life anymore. I'm tortured every single day by my own brain. I wish so badly that this thing in my head could become real so that I could be happy instead of in pain. But I'm too weak to help myself. And I have no other help. No meds. No motivation. No one to care for me. What am I even supposed to do anymore?

 

[JoeFailure]

What country are you in and what's your living situation? Just trying to see if there's a way for you to get a little help and build one small thing at a time.

 

[4colliez]

What country are you in and what's your living situation? Just trying to see if there's a way for you to get a little help and build one small thing at a time.

I don't really want to say tho Id say I live in a country with more or less acceptable care for mental health. My problem is that I've exhausted any option in the public sector and private psychiatrist/therapists can refuse me for any reason (which they have been and this happened 3 years ago as well when I was due to go back to private) or they just aren't able to take new patients. I am currently on a waitlist of about 1.5 years lol

 

[WhyMe123]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way & wish I could help you. I'm past the point of wanting to seek help & think that since you still have a desire & motivation to seek out other options - that more is possible for you…
I kind of wish I wanted to keep trying because it's true - so many people have in fact overcome suicidality, even survived their attempts & made a new life for themselves…

I'm sorry if this is too obvious, but have you tried calling 9-8-8/ a suicide crisis hotline? They might be able to offer some suggestions.

I think it would also be hard for any of us to help you without understanding more about your situation - what makes it so unbearable, what are your challenges, what have you tried, what resources do you have, etc?

Sending strength