I hate how my mind goes to self harm. I want to it to stop

[trying ungracefully]

It can be over shit so small like right now. I'm tired of wanting to self harm over things that are going to pass by the end of the day most likely. I'm trying to get it to pass but my mind is so set on it. I'm waiting for my mom to get out of the bathroom to get bandaids.

The waiting may help because I took my PRN that kicks in pretty fast for me. I just want my mind to get off this and for the future too without medication. I've been self harming for so long and I feel like I'm going to be one of those people that just keep going back to it. I know people overcome it but it's been 10 years so far of me doing it, stopping it, and going back to it. I don't do it as bad as when I was a kid though because now I don't want to use all the bandaids and have her know at some point when she goes for one.

I tried to help myself by giving my mom the 100 blades I got from a shaving kit and I did think I'd use it for its purpose. But I saved 2 and have had them saved to self harm and thank god I got a shot tetanus shot two years ago fr because it's been a long time since those were changed. And no blood has gotten on them but still. I don't want to be risking my health like this and I know this logically but when it's on my mind logic goes away.

But I think writing this helped. It took me a bit and my medication has kicked in. It will probably be harder when I'm not distracted but at least this helped in the meantime. The thought isn't that strong anymore :)

Edit: I've been upset for four hours. I've been crying on and off but not to a full sob. The self harm feeling went away which is good because im doing everything to distract myself. Im in the yard on my phone and crocheting and listening to my neighbors have fun. It's honestly nice to hear other people have fun sometimes. Sometimes it does make me sad though

Things feel like shit but at least I'm calm I guess.

 

[Red.one]

I had the same problem. It was worse than quitting cigarettes! I've been sh for over 10 years, for a last 5 I had just 4 or 5 withdrawals. And if you want me honest, the ick is still there. Mostly dull and easy to ignore, but sometimes it's so strong it almost hurt just becouse it's there and I'm fighting it.

I had my one blade hidden under my phone case for a really long time. I tried to get in the head space like "it's there, I can do it, but I'm choosing not to", sometimes just looking at it was peaceful, or scrapping small pieces of dead skin from my fingertips. There was a moment when I just left it under some stuff in bathroom, and belive me, it was old and nasty. My mother frow it away and I found out few weeks later. It was... Heartbraking in so many ways.

I hope you find a way to get out of it. It feels nice, like you take some kind of control over your life <3 keep on fighting <3