sohopelessandempty
Still alive, just not active here sometimes so dw
- Nov 23, 2025
- 125
Good to know, I'm trying my best to stay alive so I don't hurt him. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow. I hope things go well.
I never lost a partner to this, but I lost my best friend - my old roommate from boarding school that I loved highly (not Romantic) and today years later I still miss him every day - Im not angry with him - I respect that he did the right thing for him and im glad he doesnt suffer any longer, and even proud that he had the balls to go through it, but he was a part of my life that i miss every day and forever will ..
hailspark
hail
- Jan 23, 2024
- 22
About a year ago I was talking to a coworker about depression and suicide and he mentioned when he was a teenager his girlfriend commited suicide. He told me he still thinks about her almost everyday, that was around 20 years ago. He was engaged at that point and he's now married. Your boyfriend might be able to move on, but he will think about what he could have done differently and in some part blame himself for the rest of his life. On another note, a friend of mine passed about a year and a half go and although I knew he was going to commit and I just wanted to be there for him (his wishes) I still blamed myself after it happened and I still do to a degree. One of the things that helped me and continues to is a letter he sent me I received a few weeks after where he told me I shouldn't blame myself. I never voiced this thought to him before he committed and the fact he considered I might feel that way and wrote me that letter helped a lot. It also helped me believe that I was not at fault and there was nothing I could have done. If you are going to go through with it make sure he knows (if it's true) that he made your life better and there was nothing anyone he could have done.
I just wanted to say that you're doing a really good thing seeking a doctor. I really wish the best for you and reading through your replies I've been in very similar places myself. If this helps, about two years ago I thought that my life was meaningless, but right now I'm doing better than I could ever have deemed imaginable. I'm not definitely "recovered" in a sense, but I ended up moving across the country away from my family, and I've made new friends. I also wanted to say that talking to people is the best thing you can do if you want to recover, or if you don't and you just need to talk to someone. You'll find a lot of people have gone through similar life experiences and are more than willing to help you. When I was at my worst I truly thought I was alone, but I can say I've found a family in the people I've opened up to about depression, many of them I see as parental figures and having people who support you is one of the greatest things to help you recover (if that's what you want to do). :)
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sohopelessandempty
Still alive, just not active here sometimes so dw
- Nov 23, 2025
- 125
Thank you so much for this, it's given me a lot of insight. I made sure to include in my note that it's not his fault and not to blame himself, and that there was nothing he could do. I'm going to try getting help though, I can't give up and risk putting him in pain before trying other things. I want to try to get better, I can always try to ctb if none of it works.
This is what I'm afraid he will feel like if I ctb.
I don't want to give specific ages, but I was around your age when it happened, and it's been years since. I'm still haunted by it. I loved someone, saw them struggle, and then lost them forever. It's a very hard thing to live through. Maybe your boyfriend will be resilient to it, it's hard to say without knowing him or his support system. I think it's good you're this considerate of his feelings.
Is there a reason why you feel you need to die? Maybe if you opened up with your BF about your struggles he could help you?
Blueberry Panic
The Gallow Rose
- Jan 5, 2025
- 1,659
LaVieEnRose
Только ужас
- Jul 23, 2022
- 4,659
Has something happened? You were feeling very optimistic other day.
If he's like me in any way, it'll break him completely and even if he understands it's not his fault, the guilt will hurt
sohopelessandempty
Still alive, just not active here sometimes so dw
- Nov 23, 2025
- 125
Yes and no. I'm mentally ill, so regardless of if anything bad happens during the day, I still feel this constant pain. However, I was feeling optimistic like last weekend because I got to see my boyfriend, which always cheers me up(temporarily) and reminds me why I'm still here. But I can't see him very often due to strict parents(I'm 18 but their roof, their rules. I don't have a car or job, I can't afford to move out.) Also they are abusive, just not physically anymore.
Alright I won't do it then, if you say it'll still hurt even if he understands it's not his fault. I love him too much to ctb, I'm going to the doctor soon.
So she wouldn't be as hurt if you killed yourself? I understand that, however personally I don't want to do so. So I am choosing to live to avoid hurting him. I don't want to leave him, our connection is really special. I truly love him.
:( this makes me really sad to read. Most of the responses to my question sadden me, and that's why I keep saying I've decided to stay alive. Just hearing from people who have actually experienced this and were extremely hurt by it, even years later, I just can't do that to him. To put him in that pain. Just like you, if I were to ctb, my boyfriend would've loved me, watched me struggle, and then lose me forever. Maybe that's why even though we all die someday, me dying from suicide would be a different kind of pain for him than if I died from old age or from a car crash or something. If someone dies from other causes, it might not be as heartbreaking than if he knows I killed myself because I couldn't handle the pain anymore. I think to see someone lose their battle is really sad. Wondering what could've been. As for your question, I need to die because being alive is torture for me, and everything hurts so much. I'm in so much pain, and death is the only way to truly make it go away, at least for me. Or at least that's how I feel, I wouldn't know if that's true unless I had the money and time and support system to try every mental health treatment on the planet. I have opened up to him about my struggles before, he does help me but he can't fix this. Nobody can. And he can only do so much, especially since we can't hangout often due to my controlling parents.
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LaVieEnRose
Только ужас
- Jul 23, 2022
- 4,659
Lost.Empyrean
°‧ 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟·｡
- Sep 6, 2025
- 35
Sorry to say but it is impossible he won't blame himself. It doesn't matter what you say in your note. It's human instinct for him to think 'what did I do?' and 'what didn't I do?' and 'why couldn't I help her?' and 'was I not enough?', etc. If he eventually moves on, every relationship he has will most likely be haunted by the fear of history repeating.
Aside from this, and I'm sure you've gotten a lot of messages like this in response to your post, but please find a way to hold on. It might sound patronising to you, but at your age you really have no idea what could be possible for you in the future. Life changes, both circumstantially but also in how we relate to ourselves, our circumstances, and any trauma we have experienced. I barely recognise myself as the same person as the 18 year old me, and I'm touching 40 now. I've learned so much and recovered in different ways that I never would have believed possible then.
Life may feel unbearable now but can you draw hope from the fact that change will come? You will grow. It is just inevitable. The only way it won't happen is if you die. I'm not saying it'll be easy, but you owe it to yourself and anyone in your life you purport to care about to try everything you can.
On a selfish note. I don't know you but it absolutely breaks my heart to think of you throwing in the towel at 18. You sound like a kind soul. Please think about this carefully.
Aside from this, and I'm sure you've gotten a lot of messages like this in response to your post, but please find a way to hold on. It might sound patronising to you, but at your age you really have no idea what could be possible for you in the future. Life changes, both circumstantially but also in how we relate to ourselves, our circumstances, and any trauma we have experienced. I barely recognise myself as the same person as the 18 year old me, and I'm touching 40 now. I've learned so much and recovered in different ways that I never would have believed possible then.
Life may feel unbearable now but can you draw hope from the fact that change will come? You will grow. It is just inevitable. The only way it won't happen is if you die. I'm not saying it'll be easy, but you owe it to yourself and anyone in your life you purport to care about to try everything you can.
On a selfish note. I don't know you but it absolutely breaks my heart to think of you throwing in the towel at 18. You sound like a kind soul. Please think about this carefully.
sohopelessandempty
Still alive, just not active here sometimes so dw
- Nov 23, 2025
- 125
I already got into some colleges, just gonna get a bachelor's degree. But I'd rather just kill myself in a few months. It's not that college is bad, I just don't want to live that long.
Refuses to what?
He definitely won't get over something like that. Stuff like this really messes with people.
LaVieEnRose
Только ужас
- Jul 23, 2022
- 4,659
I understand that it feels bad but you owe it to yourself to make it through the next years to see if things can be different. You're trying to judge whether the totality of life is worth living based on a narrow segment of it that you have experienced.
The impact of a toxic environment can never be understated and college/education offers you a way out of it.
sohopelessandempty
Still alive, just not active here sometimes so dw
- Nov 23, 2025
- 125
I can't afford to move out for college, and I have to go on a big family trip next summer to the other side of the world, so I won't be able to save money and get a summer job before college.
fadedghost
Member
- Dec 10, 2025
- 55
my best friend was suicidal for a while
i told her once that if she died, i would try to move on, it was always her choice, and i hoped if were to ever die she would move on too. i didn't want her to stay around out of a sense of obligation. she wasn't happy. i did ask her to stay around a little while longer.
and she did stay around longer, but then committed suicide
it's been about 2 years, it hasn't gotten better for me, i sometimes use opiates to dull the pain, but then they make me really stupid, so i have to stop, then i am sad again. i've been emotionally abused by people in the mental health industry and i'm not interested in a therapist or psychiatric medication.t
the answer is probably no if he actually does like you a lot. i would also say it depends on the type of person he is. if he is super extroverted and has had like 20 girlfriends before you and has dated you a month, he may be able to get over it if he's that sort of super extroverted person. my guess is no, he won't get over it and the pain won't go away, he might end up ctbing also. it's hard to know.
I don't understand why at 18 you are so certain you hate life and want to die. College is very different from high school, and work is much much different from college. If you are introverted, once you work you can work your way, you can get an introverted position, or an extroverted position, if you like plants you can work with plants. is there a particular reason you are this way? were you abused or did anything bad happen to you? I know people are often sad at 18, but life has the potential to change so much in the next 3 4 years and become something totally different.
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LaVieEnRose
Только ужас
- Jul 23, 2022
- 4,659
Are you going to commute to college from home then? There is also the longer term perspective. You could have decades of freedom away from your family and home environment.
I hope in college you can find something that fuels you.
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sohopelessandempty
Still alive, just not active here sometimes so dw
- Nov 23, 2025
- 125
Yeah I'll commute from home, I'm staying close to home for college anyway, since I wanted to stay in-state for financial reasons, and the acceptance letters I got happen to be places so close to home that it would be silly to pay for a dorm. I have to choose money over sanity haha. Thank you for taking the time to reply.
Yes, I was abused starting when I was five and it was all downhill from there. It messed up my brain chemistry and I am severely mentally ill now. That's why I think life is torture and I want to end it. The physical abuse stopped once puberty made me taller than my parents, but they still are abusive in other ways. I'm aware life has potential to change, but I have been very suicidal since I was 11 and it never went away. It never got better(for me at least) and possibly never will.
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fadedghost
Member
- Dec 10, 2025
- 55
My parents were abusive in different ways, but not a lot and not all the time. I wish back when I was 18, once I could leave, I had just found a way to financially support myself and just had stopped talking to them completely. Having abusive people in your life is going to make you sad. If you find a way to make money, you can move on from them. Can you take out some student loans and apply for scholarships or work part-time somewhere? Do you want to go to college? I just hope you can get away from them without dying. Your life will be better. If you are still sad after you stop talking with them, maybe consider things then? This feels too soon for you to commit suicide if your parents were abusive and you have to be around them because of finances for a brief while longer.
sohopelessandempty
Still alive, just not active here sometimes so dw
- Nov 23, 2025
- 125
I'm so fucked. I'm going to college but my parents are financially irresponsible, I haven't been able to find a job either. My friend said the place she works will be looking for people next summer, but next summer I'm being forced on a family trip on the other side of the planet so I'm not allowed to get a summer job. They know this will put me at a disadvantage before college even starts, and they don't care. So basically I'm doomed, and I should just hang myself before all this shit even happens but it's so complicated and I'm scared of pain.
fadedghost
Member
- Dec 10, 2025
- 55
Are you able to apply for student loans and move in with a friend? Usually there are ways for poor people to afford college. Are you able to talk to your school's financial aid director and explain your parents are abusive and you don't want to be around them?
