You deserved and deserve so much better, and I'm sorry that you're having to turn to strangers for support rather than the people in your life who should be unequivocally in your corner.
Although, I like to think we're not exactly strangers - well, in the strict sense of the word we are, but the people using this forum all share and understand things that few of our irl people could understand, or not freak out over immediately. I don't know what we all are to each other but strangers feels like a short sell... Maybe 'kindred strangers' or something like that?
You did mention that yes. And I think it's a really important observation to make. It probably doesn't feel very useful now, but being able to distinguish whether the change you need is external or internal is crucial for life. At the moment that not useful though because it sounds like life is just too overwhelming.
It's not your fault that life is painful. You don't have a low tolerance for living, living is just harder for you than it is for a lot of people because of what you've been through. If anything the fact that you've been living with suicidal thoughts since you were 11 means you have an impressively high tolerance for living with pain. It's kind of a flex in a SaSu kind of way.
Everything changing isn't possible, you're right - I wish it was. But what is possible is for things to shift enough for you to feel like you can breathe at least, experience calm, think clearly and feel like things are more in your control. When things are overwhelming I try to imagine being in that place, rather than everything being perfect. When you think of that goal, can you see how any of your present day circumstances changing might help you get there? Small steps are key. You can't change it all and you don't need to, as much as it might feel that way.
Hold on to that. What you're seeing there, although just a glimmer, is something really true.
I didn't share this with you before but my partner tried to CTB at 19, before we met. They had suffered abuse and believed they were broken by those experiences. I'm saying this because I want you to know recovery is possible, even when it might seem totally impossible from your point of view.
I've seen it myself.
Lastly, sorry if any of what I've said is overstepping boundaries here. I'm not trying to disrespect your feelings and experiences, or even your right to end your life. I just believe something else is possible for you and I'd really hate to see your goodbye post here one day.
