Warlord's Pulse
Time to end this endless war
- May 27, 2024
- 228
Originally, my plan was to ctb this september, if I'm here it's obvious it didn't happen, mostly because I was assuming something that didn't occur and I didn't have the opportunity I was expecting. Nonetheless, the last 2 to 3 months were so strange for me.
Just to clarify, I'm not bipolar, most of the time I'm just a chill dude, maybe autism and emotional numbing makes me seem dissimulated and such, but I have to admit, I passed through some mental-rollercoaster shit.
Especially when I'm lying in bed (a known trigger of mine for long time ago, still I can't just leave it) I had some of the worst suicidal urges of my life. However, when I'm completing some chores, wandering aimlessly, talking to myself or even just looking at nowhere and doing nothing, I felt... good. And by good, it could be laughing randonly, having good/creative ideas, being physically aware of my body, or just... not concerning about anything in particular, like, I'm self-concious enough to know that I'm not thinking in anything, and then I know that now I'm thinking that I'm not thinking, but not in a overwhelming way? I don't know if that made any sense at all.
I always deemed myself as very imaginative, so my mind can be really funny sometimes, it's intense. The last 12 months were filled with a lot of new experiences and revelations in my life, one of them being my first use of some drugs. Not that I developed dependence (nor that I thought that would be the case), but I really liked it. Nowadays, just by thinking about morphine or magic mushroom I can feel the effects of said drug, no joke.
But, all in all, I don't care. In most of my good moments, my conclusion is "ok, that's just neutral actually, death is neutral too, but maybe it would be better to just be dead, it spares me of a load of crap". I can heal, but life is not linear, I can relapse afterwards to a even worse state. I can't shake it, life just doesn't seem worthy to me. I tend to call my inner voice my "imaginary friend", and it really makes my brain tickle. I remember a conversation with him that went like: " Yeah, won't work today? - Nah, who cares - Your money is drying off - Who cares? - ...yeah, who cares - *laugh* ". Got a new side hustle recently, more because of novelty than money, the "employer" keeps saying I'm so smart, wow. By the way, most of my friends know by now that I'm suicidal, most got utterly shocked, but then, after a month or two, they forgot about it. I used to have some craving to message them, but it's gone. I'm completely in peace to just... letting them go.
And I just still want to be dead. I'm well aware the devastation it will cause to my parents, hell my mother almost had a panic attack and cried for weeks because her dog died, and is always worried about me (obviously she doesn't know anything about my suicidality), she 100% could die of a heart attack just by seeing my body. And still, I don't care. I can't care. Can't tell what's going on. Philosophy and psychology have some explanations, but barely any solution. It's so fucked up, I'm so hideous.
Just to clarify, I'm not bipolar, most of the time I'm just a chill dude, maybe autism and emotional numbing makes me seem dissimulated and such, but I have to admit, I passed through some mental-rollercoaster shit.
Especially when I'm lying in bed (a known trigger of mine for long time ago, still I can't just leave it) I had some of the worst suicidal urges of my life. However, when I'm completing some chores, wandering aimlessly, talking to myself or even just looking at nowhere and doing nothing, I felt... good. And by good, it could be laughing randonly, having good/creative ideas, being physically aware of my body, or just... not concerning about anything in particular, like, I'm self-concious enough to know that I'm not thinking in anything, and then I know that now I'm thinking that I'm not thinking, but not in a overwhelming way? I don't know if that made any sense at all.
I always deemed myself as very imaginative, so my mind can be really funny sometimes, it's intense. The last 12 months were filled with a lot of new experiences and revelations in my life, one of them being my first use of some drugs. Not that I developed dependence (nor that I thought that would be the case), but I really liked it. Nowadays, just by thinking about morphine or magic mushroom I can feel the effects of said drug, no joke.
But, all in all, I don't care. In most of my good moments, my conclusion is "ok, that's just neutral actually, death is neutral too, but maybe it would be better to just be dead, it spares me of a load of crap". I can heal, but life is not linear, I can relapse afterwards to a even worse state. I can't shake it, life just doesn't seem worthy to me. I tend to call my inner voice my "imaginary friend", and it really makes my brain tickle. I remember a conversation with him that went like: " Yeah, won't work today? - Nah, who cares - Your money is drying off - Who cares? - ...yeah, who cares - *laugh* ". Got a new side hustle recently, more because of novelty than money, the "employer" keeps saying I'm so smart, wow. By the way, most of my friends know by now that I'm suicidal, most got utterly shocked, but then, after a month or two, they forgot about it. I used to have some craving to message them, but it's gone. I'm completely in peace to just... letting them go.
And I just still want to be dead. I'm well aware the devastation it will cause to my parents, hell my mother almost had a panic attack and cried for weeks because her dog died, and is always worried about me (obviously she doesn't know anything about my suicidality), she 100% could die of a heart attack just by seeing my body. And still, I don't care. I can't care. Can't tell what's going on. Philosophy and psychology have some explanations, but barely any solution. It's so fucked up, I'm so hideous.
Last edited:
