Discussion Do I have the courage left to actually live?

[sadteachermom1]

I don't really wanta to lI've. All I see in my future is more pain, more overwhelming evidence of just how badly I've fucked up my life. I don't really deserve to live, but my daughters and parents also do not deserve to live with trying to recover from my suicide. Deciding to really live is scary. Death would mean an end to my suffering. Deciding to really live could mean completely upending my family's life. I want to divorce my husband, which would cause him unbearable suffering, and our daughters severe upset. I just don't know that I could do that to my daughters. They are innocent. I realize killing myself would be much worse, but at the risk of sounding selfish I wouldn't have to deal with it. I wish I would just die of a disease, or get in a fatal car accident. It would be so much easier.

 

[Hystearical]

Choosing recovery is indeed hard because that means embracing both the good and the bad. Divorce may be hard for your family but your unhappiness will surely seep out and affect your kids too. What makes you feel you don't deserve to live? I can see how if you sincerely believe that then it will be all the harder to motivate yourself to continue on.