Why does parental divorce make people suicidal?

[alreadyfound]

After their parents separate, many children experience depression, and the suicide rate in adulthood is two to three times higher. I wonder why it's so traumatic. Is it because of the feeling of abandonment? Or because it's no longer possible to believe in love? It's often said that divorce is better for children's mental health than domestic violence, but statistically that's not even true.

Have people here had suicidal thoughts following their parents divorce?

 

[bed]

i did.

my parents divorced while i was in high school still and the amount of chaos and instability it caused on top of all the stress from school among some other things, made me very depressed. i felt like i had no one to talk to about this. it also wasn't an easy process for them. divorce takes a while - you have to be proven to be split up for a year here. during that time i had to choose who i wanted to live with and by moving i lost quite a few friends. divorce by itself can be really hard to deal with for anyone but for me, divorce was the catalyst rather than the main event.

i also felt like it was my fault since my dad said it was at the time. he apologized but it stayed with me for years.

the one other thing that made it worse was my parents moving onto new partners instantly or trying to anyway. it felt like both of them put more effort into finding someone new than caring about their children. i do not remember ever being asked how i felt or how i was holding up through it all. i met some really mean people when both of my parents were trying to find someone new, one of which abused me and my mom has been with him now for over a decade.

to try and sum it up; divorce isn't black and white, it feels like you no longer have a stable family. you grieve for the version of the family that used to exist. home no longer feels like home anymore. everything gets split into two and it's exhausting. everyday things can become confusing that used to not be. i felt a ton of guilt even though it wasn't my fault and it felt taboo to speak about. it also felt like i had to grow up quicker and take on a lot more roles especially with a sibling.

edit: i'd like to add that it wasn't the main thing that made me suicidal at the time but it added to it

 

[gardenoflonely]

I don't think it's the divorce itself that makes them suicidal, but the large changes that happen after it. I think if more parents navigated healthy and open discussions during it the kids wouldn't be so confused, hurt, and often blaming themselves. It is a lot to deal with by itself, but it's especially when you're a child and don't really understand anything that's happening the same way the adults involved do. For me personally, dealing with these big changes and not having my parents help me through it was 100% detrimental. We lost our home (as this was during a recession) and much more. I could not help but internalize that as well as the other family issues as being my fault somehow.

i also felt like it was my fault since my dad said it was at the time. he apologized but it stayed with me for years.

I had the same said to me by my mom before. It sticks to your core for longer than they like to admit.

 

[bed]

I don't think it's the divorce itself that makes them suicidal, but the large changes that happen after it. I think if more parents navigated healthy and open discussions during it the kids wouldn't be so confused, hurt, and often blaming themselves.

very well said, i agree. i'd like to add if the parents are struggling to discuss it in a healthy way and the child is struggling with the change, family or 1 on 1 therapy could help navigate the divorce. giving the child tools, coping mechanisms and a safe space.

I had the same said to me by my mom before. It sticks to your core for longer than they like to admit.

i'm so sorry you know what it's like. yeah it really does... there have been a few arguments with my dad over the years that were unrelated but i'd have flashbacks of that moment.

 

[gardenoflonely]

very well said, i agree. i'd like to add if the parents are struggling to discuss it in a healthy way and the child is struggling with the change, family or 1 on 1 therapy could help navigate the divorce. giving the child tools, coping mechanisms and a safe space.

This too, that's why I think it's because of how it's handled and not the divorce itself that's leading to the suicidal thoughts - many people go through parental divorce through childhood but some also have the support to get through it in a way that's not traumatic. Change happens but I think less kids would feel suicidal if they didn't feel so alone and unsupported during what's already a very vulnerable time. When it was happening to me, I got therapy and wanted my parents to join in with me to help close this wound but they've always refused and then been upset that I'm still traumatized? Like okay, lol. I've been told that it's my fault, that I'm the cause of all the problems in the family, etc, since I was about 5. The feeling from hearing that type of stuff doesn't just go away and being berated for not just forgiving everyone makes me feel crazy sometimes. I'm so glad when I come across stuff on this forum that I can relate to for the first time in my life.

i'm so sorry you know what it's like. yeah it really does... there have been a few arguments with my dad over the years that were unrelated but i'd have flashbacks of that moment.

I'm also sorry. As glad as I am to be able to relate to others, I also feel sad. No one should have to know what this is like.