I'm currently 34 and about 20 years ago I reached the conclusion that I probably wouldn't die naturally, but CTB sooner or later. Last year, things got worse (or maybe better? Depends how you look at it, as getting closer to CTB means ending one's problems) and I finally convinced myself that further living doesn't make much sense and tried to lie on the train tracks. However, it turns out I just can't CTB while being conscious. Last August when I was really 100% sure, I took melatonine, some non-presciption sleeping medicine and drank some alcohol but didn't fall asleep on the tracks and got away. After that, I succeeded in getting Zolpidem and it's still waiting for the right moment.
However, I just can't get myself down enough. I found that some people recommend affirmations as a way to boost your mood and I thought that I need something opposite and found out about negative affirmations, like https://www.happierhuman.com/negative-self-talk-examples/
Many of them fit me, some don't. But it turns out just repeating them in my thoughts gets repeatable after a while.
I almost stopped talking to people, apart from when it's necessary. It's not like I had talked much previously, I have Asperger's and find human interaction hard anyway, but now I'm almost always silent. That also seems to bring down my mood considerably and I have noticed lately that quite often my attitude to life is quite negative. But I guess I need something more.
Now, that seems quite easy, e.g. drop a job, get homeless, go on heroin etc. Thing is, there's no guarantee it will get me to CTB and those things will be hard to fix if I after all don't CTB.
So I'm fine with any mental excercises that don't affect my physical health etc. but don't want to get into things that would complicate my life if I after all live.
Hence my question, what do you recommend? Some new affirmations, maybe reading some depressing books, watching some movies / tv-series, some depressing music? Anything that comes to mind.
However, I just can't get myself down enough. I found that some people recommend affirmations as a way to boost your mood and I thought that I need something opposite and found out about negative affirmations, like https://www.happierhuman.com/negative-self-talk-examples/
Many of them fit me, some don't. But it turns out just repeating them in my thoughts gets repeatable after a while.
I almost stopped talking to people, apart from when it's necessary. It's not like I had talked much previously, I have Asperger's and find human interaction hard anyway, but now I'm almost always silent. That also seems to bring down my mood considerably and I have noticed lately that quite often my attitude to life is quite negative. But I guess I need something more.
Now, that seems quite easy, e.g. drop a job, get homeless, go on heroin etc. Thing is, there's no guarantee it will get me to CTB and those things will be hard to fix if I after all don't CTB.
So I'm fine with any mental excercises that don't affect my physical health etc. but don't want to get into things that would complicate my life if I after all live.
Hence my question, what do you recommend? Some new affirmations, maybe reading some depressing books, watching some movies / tv-series, some depressing music? Anything that comes to mind.
