Story What is love? (Baby don't hurt me)

[ElTopo]

I'm among those one here that have and do struggle with their love life.
Never had relationships and only got some experience through s workers.
I don't think of myself as an incel, I look decent but I worked for it, I work out 4/7 and eat healthy, and I'm financially stable but I wasn't born into it, I just worked my ass off and had the luck of being able to do so, I think most of that incel stuff really comes from a larger transformation of our social life, we only look at ourselves and value the individual and cheap happiness over deep experiences and building something worth it.
Now I don't even blame my situation on others, I was a very lonesome person, unable to interact with others or make friends, I was in a bad family situation and I think I could never properly grow as a person until I finally emancipated myself from that, I also attended an all male high school basically and never had much interactions, I did have dates and stuff but they never ended well due mainly to my fault.
Now I look at my friends relationships and I honestly feel like they kinda don't deserve it, it's not like love is deserved, but all my friends who got dumped clearly didn't do much to help themselves in their lives, they were uncaring and always wanting their gfs to be like a substitute of their mom, never wanting to experience anything else besides the life of cared for manchild.
It's kinda weird because I would want to build something with someone I love, I want to go on, grow more and yet it's like a desert.

I kinda grieve the loss of experiences, I'm not talking about sex but rather being listened to in those worst moments. I don't think it someone popped up right now I could have a meaningful connection with them, it's like the scars I have will never allow me to have an equalitary relationship with someone.

also some soundtrack for my here ted talk:

 

[Forever Sleep]

I can relate to this from the other side of the fence. When I was younger, I would have considered myself a femcel (if I had known the word.) I went through phases of trying to attract men I had (limerent, crazy) crushes on but, I've never had a relationship or, even dated.

It doesn't actually bother me so much now. I'm content being single. It used to upset me though. I suppose it's the lost potential to feel love and joy. Some of my happiest moments were shared experiences. Visiting places with people, having a meal etc. which is odd- seeing as I've turned into such a recluse. That's probably because my worst experiences have come from losing those people- via death or, our lives simply drifting apart. The risk factor became too high for me to want to invite all that pleasure and pain in again.

I suppose it's just that rose tinted fairytale of imagining yourself with someone and, having fun. I've felt love and appreciation for friends and family. I've always thought having a partner would be an even better version of that.

Still, being suicidal, the last thing I want is more tethers here. Life became a lot calmer for me when I dropped my romantic hopes. There's also the reality side of it. I don't really feel envy towards the couples I know. I'm just glad it isn't me being nagged at! All the couples I know bicker a lot. That would just irritate me. I enjoy being free.

 

[ElTopo]

I can relate to this from the other side of the fence. When I was younger, I would have considered myself a femcel (if I had known the word.) I went through phases of trying to attract men I had (limerent, crazy) crushes on but, I've never had a relationship or, even dated.

It doesn't actually bother me so much now. I'm content being single. It used to upset me though. I suppose it's the lost potential to feel love and joy. Some of my happiest moments were shared experiences. Visiting places with people, having a meal etc. which is odd- seeing as I've turned into such a recluse. That's probably because my worst experiences have come from losing those people- via death or, our lives simply drifting apart. The risk factor became too high for me to want to invite all that pleasure and pain in again.

I suppose it's just that rose tinted fairytale of imagining yourself with someone and, having fun. I've felt love and appreciation for friends and family. I've always thought having a partner would be an even better version of that.

Still, being suicidal, the last thing I want is more tethers here. Life became a lot calmer for me when I dropped my romantic hopes. There's also the reality side of it. I don't really feel envy towards the couples I know. I'm just glad it isn't me being nagged at! All the couples I know bicker a lot. That would just irritate me. I enjoy being free.

But bickering and having fights with someone feels good too in a weird way, I like that kind of confrontation with people, the thing that makes me sad is seeing them falling into progressively more toxic and pityful versions of themselves.

 

[usernamesarehard]

Couldn't get a boyfriend until 21. We're not together anymore and I have a good feeling I'm not going to find anyone else.

Now I don't even blame my situation on others, I was a very lonesome person, unable to interact with others or make friends, I was in a bad family situation and I think I could never properly grow as a person until I finally emancipated myself from that, I also attended an all male high school basically and never had much interactions, I did have dates and stuff but they never ended well due mainly to my fault.

I'm kinda in this position. I had trouble making friends when I was a kid and that led to me being an angry bitter person who avoids trying to have any relationship with people. I don't blame anyone else and I'm learning I have a lot I have to do to be better, but I never dated before him so I don't think it's an issue of my personality turning people away.

It's kinda weird because I would want to build something with someone I love, I want to go on, grow more and yet it's like a desert.

Yup, I'm here too. I think part of the issue is nowadays people want a perfect partner and believe they have to be perfect to try to date. It leads to less and less people getting into relationships because there's always something to improve. It also causes people to become bitter and angry. I see so many men online talking about how your 30s are your peak years because you have money and are established and simultaneously men angry that women just see them as ATMs. No one wants to grow anything anymore everyone just wants a perfect partner. I'm not saying only looking at your partner's bank account is a good thing or that these women are in the right, but it's kinda weird to not date because you don't have money and then get angry because people want you for your money. Idk, I'm just rambling now.

But yeah, I wish I had someone to grow with too.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

You're not missing much. I've said it before, but in some sense your problems only really begin once you enter into relationships. I understand the yearning for something so fundamental but I find many people focus on all the potential good in a perfect-world relationship, rather than how they actually tend to be.

That's not to say it's all awful, but a good chunk of it is frustrating and unsatisfying. I can't even really pretend I've grown as a result of being with people. If anything, they've exposed me and brought out some of my worst qualities.

The older I get the more I think the ideal situation is to be at peace with yourself, independently of a romantic partner.