What caused your sickness?

[uuser1412]

Hello, I was curious and I wanted to know, do you guys know exactly what caused your depression/sickness/illness? Why are you guys suicidal? I wanted to know if you guys knew.

For me, I was always sensitive, I think I was born that way, but I can trace down most of my problems to what happened when I was a kid, getting molested by my dad in my sleep. I really didn't realize how big of an impact that had on me until recently, but I can see how it has caused most of my problems.

I think the key to getting better is a feeling of safety for your body. That's just what I think, how you do that exactly is a better question I guess.

I just never felt safe around anyone, constantly playing characters for other people, to my family, to myself. Fundamentally, I don't think a person will get better if they don't feel safe. I just don't feel I can be myself, living with my family, so I think moving out is required for recovery. I just wish to be myself, to wake up one day without that suffocating pressure in my chest. This dream is keeping me alive and I refuse to let it go

I hope everyone can get better, good luck

 

[Rainork]

I have spent yeeeears trying to answer this question!
I have C-ptsd and a lot of black spots in my past (especially in my childhood due to sexual and mental abuse).
An old therapist on mine told me "if you brains blocked it out, there's a reason for that".. at the time I wasn't happy with that answer and so kept pushing to uncover my hidden memories. I now have a few patchy details and honestly can't say if I'm glad I've remembered bits or not- although these recollections did result in my main abuser no longer being in my life, so that's something I guess.

I can relate to the never feeling safe around anyone thing as well- i've often been paranoid about people poisoning me and struggle to except anything consumable from most people I know (unless I have watched it being made). I also flinch at touch, I did start to recover from that until a lovely guy SA'd me in my sleep about 10 years ago- brought me straight back to the flinching and lack of trust.

I hope you will find a way to feel better one day! Stay strong

 

[trying ungracefully]

For me I have bipolar 1 so it is genetic and environmental triggers that cause it. I can see that I probably got it from my mom's side of the family but they don't talk about mental health issues.

Luckily it can become manageable, it's been 3 years since my last manic episode! But I think depression will always hit with it and you need to learn how to manage it with meds and yourself. I'm still in the process of learning myself because it is still "early" in my diagnosis but I see that there are successful bipolar people all over, like in my life, my brother. It makes me have some hope because maybe one day I'll be actually okay like others.

 

[not yet]

The causes of my suicidality are pretty moronic, actually. I have no idea if I have any serious illnesses though; I can't even get myself checked out.

I'm gonna put it much more simply than it actually is, but, well, probably the main cause is that I've always had this idealistic vision of what human relationships should be like for me to even have a chance to reach happiness. Or rather, I discovered that everything works in a way I don't like at all. I just got tired of being disappointed over and over again. I don't make plans anymore. I don't have a vision for the future and I have zero desire to invest in it. I mean, why would I feel excitement for anything when I know for a fact I'll never be satisfied? Dissatisfaction and lack of hope lead to an apathy that I hate even more. Basically, I'm a frustrated petulant fuck who denies his own life out of principle

 

[FoxSauce]

Childhood traumat moslty. I was a fucked up kid already so my mother kinda screwed it up even more with emotionally abusive and invalidating all of us and just creating a really unsafe e evorement sometimes.

I cant talk about my childhood or ill spiral but I didnt like it for the most part. Dealing with a lot of issues alone till later in middle started having auicidal thoughts and well never told anyone and till exploded in my late teens with anxiety attacks.

At 18 went to a psychiatrist and got diagnosed with clinical depression then later on at my 20's BPD.

Been rough after that but ig answers the question from the things i do idk

 

[likeblueberries]

I was molested and bullied (I struggled socially and got picked on and beat relatively often).

My parents never cared enough to do anything until I was dying from anorexia and drug abuse at 19. They were pretty abusive themselves, but I think that without the trauma of bullying and CSA I would have turned out fine for the most part

 

[pyamu]

I wonder that too. I have bpd but I don't really have proper reasons. I did grow up in a home where my parents would constantly fight and yell at each other, but that was really it. I think that I have always been attention/seeking or that smth has been wrong with me from the start, because I would always be explosive when it came to emotions and I would seek sexual attention from men online as an 11-16 year old. My parents weren't home much with work and I was a pretty lonely kid, so I think I just wanted attention and validation. I tried really hard in school to get praised by my parents, but the attention wasn't enough. The experiences I have had online with those guys was obviously not great for my development, and I think that has fucked up my view of my personal worth and my relationships.

I feel really guilty about it all too because at that age I knew what I was doing and that it was wrong. I feel like I gave myself all my mental illnesses, and that it's entirely my fault. If I had just avoided doing what was wrong, I likely wouldn't be on this forum in the first place. I robbed myself of happiness and gave myself a personality disorder. Of course, therapy says that I just didn't have an emotionally validating environment growing up, but I highly doubt that. My parents were always nice, and while they were distant emotionally, that's typical of Asian parents and most Asians I know did not turn out like me. I was given gold and I won the lottery when it came to my birth, yet I took everything and threw it away. I am the product of all of my failures. I cannot blame anyone else but myself.

 

[etherealgoddess]

Hello, I was curious and I wanted to know, do you guys know exactly what caused your depression/sickness/illness? Why are you guys suicidal? I wanted to know if you guys knew.

For me, I was always sensitive, I think I was born that way, but I can trace down most of my problems to what happened when I was a kid, getting molested by my dad in my sleep. I really didn't realize how big of an impact that had on me until recently, but I can see how it has caused most of my problems.

I think the key to getting better is a feeling of safety for your body. That's just what I think, how you do that exactly is a better question I guess.

I just never felt safe around anyone, constantly playing characters for other people, to my family, to myself. Fundamentally, I don't think a person will get better if they don't feel safe. I just don't feel I can be myself, living with my family, so I think moving out is required for recovery. I just wish to be myself, to wake up one day without that suffocating pressure in my chest. This dream is keeping me alive and I refuse to let it go

I hope everyone can get better, good luck

Feeling unloved and unsafe all the time--it was genuinely psychological torture every single day. It broke me down. Then it laid the foundation for me to get broken down by everyone else around me. The second my abuser couldn't abuse me anymore, their life crashed. So many of my abusers crashed out when I cut off contact and stopped using me as a punching bag. They genuinely crashed out. The second they couldn't control me, they were upset. It's crazy how I was feeding vampires.

From someone who does somatic healing, depression and anxiety is an accumulation of hundreds if not thousands of painful memories where you were unsafe or unloved. It's usually the times when you really need love or safety the most, so that's why a lot of painful memories are when something bad is happening.