Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[itsgone2]

I knew I wasn't living a good life but thought I was sort of close. I was wrong in every way. My life is completely ruined. I wasn't careful. That's it. I got careless, thought things would just be ok, and instead my plan is to buy a gun and do something truly awful. Unbelievable.

 

[FadingSnowFake]

So high. And so missing my person.

 

[corpse]

I just want to finally end my suffering and find peace. I am ready to die.

 

[violetforever]

the only good thing about not being taken seriously as a young woman is that it makes suicide that much easier. im just viewed as a dramatic young girl who isnt really capable of doing it until its done.

 

[violetforever]

i am out of my mind. i cried my eyes out in the shower and now im beating myself harder than ever and putting all my strength into each hit. i want to be dead and covered in bruises. i cant do another mental breakdown. i cant lay in bed for a week again and then pretend everything is fine when my family demands me to stop. anything or anyone please kill me.

 

[corpse]

I'm so tired of being mentally ill. It's been like this my whole life. I just can't take it anymore. I never have a normal day. I've never had a normal life. I'm so tired of being tired.

 

[Manaaja]

You know what I hate about myself?

If someone rapes me a million times, then gets a heart attack. I don't think "Hah, serves you right! Good riddance!". I think "Oh shit, a living feeling being is having a heart attack, I need to help them!". I instinctively can't see suffering or dying or very sick people as evil no matter how much evil they have done to me and others.

I can't kick someone who is on the ground. So, what will happen? They get up, their health returns, and they go back to raping and killing and torturing me.

I hate that part of myself. It's like a fire fighter who thinks "well, there's only a tiny flame anymore, let's stop!" and then soon the flame is big again and the house building is on fire and everything burns and everyone dies.

I need to work on that.

...I hate how inside a person there can be two people: the "I'm physically strong so I'll use my body to bring suffering!" and "I'm physically harmless, so I'll now be super nice to everyone so they won't harm me!".

My father is just like that. The second he is bedbound he starts the "My dear children" act.

A billion years ago, fathers didn't exist. Children did. Children are a billion years closer to gods than fathers.

 

[corpse]

I want to die.

 

[Lefty]

Feeling unsure

 

[glitterpvppy]

happy because I finally figured out how to interact on this forum. A minute ago I was like really suicidal though bc I was thinking about my ex boyfriend moving on with his life.

 

[tomame]

not good enough and hopeless and tainted

 

[Spite]

Dreading going back to work tomorrow. I'm so tired of this never-ending Groundhog Day bullshit...

 

[violetforever]

left my house to practice driving with my grandma. i love spending time with her, it almost makes me not want to die :( but then we talk and complain about how awful this family is and im reminded that i cant take it anymore. i almost swerved off the road from how distracted i was by the train. just looking at it and fantasizing how the wheels could roll over my neck.

then when i got home i saw my package with my rope arrived! my mom wasnt home and my grandma didnt see the package so thats good. it was literally just in a regular brown package though. it didnt look suspicious and wouldnt have been a problem lol. the feeling of a real rope around my neck. i literally sighed from relief at how it fit around me. euphoric feeling again. i couldnt mess around with it too much because my mom came home but i will later. now that i have a rope i can really practice and decide if hanging or the train is for me.

 

[violetforever]

i cant even get out of bed anymore except on days i have school. i dont know how much longer ill be able to get myself to do that either. i wake up and cry and just lay here for hours. im falling behind in schoolwork and its making everything worse. im probably doing it on purpose to push myself to ctb.

 

[violetforever]

if im so suicidal why do i still bother with school? i cry in bed all week and wait until the last minute to do my assignments but still. its embarrassing bc my teacher contacted me about assignments i havent done being due today. we even had an extra day to do them. now i just look lazy and even dumber. at least this class ends at the beginning of next month. i just know ill struggle so much when my math class starts though. btw sorry i post on this thread a lot. i realize the last 2 posts are from me too.

 

[CTB Dream]

if im so suicidal why do i still bother with school? i cry in bed all week and wait until the last minute to do my assignments but still. its embarrassing bc my teacher contacted me about assignments i havent done being due today. we even had an extra day to do them. now i just look lazy and even dumber. at least this class ends at the beginning of next month. i just know ill struggle so much when my math class starts though. btw sorry i post on this thread a lot. i realize the last 2 posts are from me too.

no wry can wrt anytm want

 

[violetforever]

no wry can wrt anytm want

thank u

 

[Manaaja]

People have two middle fingers. The first to **** their fathers, and the second to please their daddies.

 

[SoulCage]

I don't want to bother anyone by opening a new thread. So I am just gonna dump some words here.

I am crying because I feel so damn defeated.
Fatigued.
Burned out.
Again. Again again and again. When will it stop? Never.
Not until I die.
I am trying my best to stick to the schedule of this rehabilitation center (for getting back into the workforce), because I was sick of feeling like a worthless parasite. Because I felt guilty for enjoying free time while my partner works full time for us. I want to contribute. I want to earn money for us. I don't want him to suffer because of me. He tells me everyday that he sees a future with me. So I can't give up. That's why I have to force myself to endure this exhaustion, this pain, this world full of people who are selfish pricks, reckless consumers, exploiters of humans, animals and the planet. Including me. I am not better than the people I hate. I am one of them. And I hate myself the most.
I have to get a job. But I am barely alive and functioning right now. I don't want to feel criticized and humiliated by an employer or colleagues for being too slow or not performing good enough. For being kicked out and repeating the hiring process. But worst of all... For feeling like I go through life like a zombie. That I can't do anything in my free time, because I can't concentrate, because I have headaches and my body has no strength to make any move. That eating sugar/fats is the only thing that triggers my chemical reward center and as result I go back to gaining so much weight again and hate my body. That I am constantly craving food.
I noticed it has already started again. The need to balance out the suffering with something to eat. I hate it.
Actually I just realized.. going through life like a zombie and coping with unhealthy methods isn't even the worst part. It's the fact that I have to pretend I am fine every day. Faking this person that everyone wants/needs me to be.
An employee that is worth the money.
A girlfriend who doesn't drag you down.
A patient who doesn't complain about the methods.
That I need to lie when someone asks me about my well-being. Because I can't just go to a manager and tell them I am not fine. They would ask me to see doctors. But doctors keep telling me I am fine - fine enough to work. And if there is no evidence of me not being fine then of course it's reasonable to not pay me (or let me go).

This is a nightmare. Why can't I be normal. Why can't I regenerate at night and function during the day. Why can't I have a reasonable amount of energy left at the end of my day. What is wrong with me. Why can nobody help me. Why is the world so demanding. Why is the majority fine with this. Why does my partner continue supporting me even though I am mess 90% of the day.

How much longer do I have to endure.

 

[Honeybee]

Lazy, burned out, there's a lot to do today but I just want to lay in bed and do nothing.

 

[TrulyNeverCertain]

Just tired. Procrastinating on the last class for my bachelor's. Wishing I had more capacity to pretend to be functional. yet, I'm somehow here.

 

[GodzillasBiggestFan]

so overwhelmed and exhausted. i do not feel like i can keep going.

 

[scordatura]

Wish I got out while I still had a chance. the same thing over and over again... so i don't have a new fucking memory. I missed my chance, and I gave up all the others. I'm about to drop everything. I knew what I needed to do, I failed. I knew I was. I feel so consumed, and i'm tired. I have a thought in my head i just wish would leave me the hell alone. I can't focus anymore. I can't. and I wish someone would smash my face into the ground. I've been burning myself and my hands again. They look manky. I think I have some research to do. I have an idea...

 

[violetforever]

i woke up feeling really empty to the point of nausea in my stomach. then i got up and looked out the window and its snowing! that was a beautiful surprise at least its all pretty and white.

that made me feel better for a second bc i was awake alone and it was quiet. now i already feel like crying. i didnt even want to go to school today bc i woke up so depressed but now that im not going i feel more depressed? i cant stand another day of rotting in my bed and crying bc i hate being around my family so much. what does it matter though? ill be miserable as long as this is the place i will always eventually have to return to and call home.

 

[ladyofsorrows]

just got triggered so miserable. god i hate being ugly.

 

[scordatura]

hi. um. i think this might be me now... i dont htink i can go any longer. im gonna go for a joint and see how i feel but yeah. um. i cant take it anymore. ive had enough

 

[BlendedHeart]

Reached out to someone. Got silence. And I thought we were at least on good terms, even if we didn't speak in a while.

Makes me feel incredibly isolated, defeated, lonely. Yet I can't overcome SI and leave. What is the limit?

 

[yotaka]

Sick. I don't think it's a physiological illness. Waking up, coming to this office, sitting in this chair, staring at calendars and emails, being forced to listen to small talk, I feel sick. How do people find this meaningful or fulfilling in the slightest? I can't imagine a hell any worse than this. I want to lay down at the base of a tree and rot into the earth.

 

[Manaaja]

Which species are the people here on a SUICIDE forum?

Not female-only species, not male-only species, not asexual-only species, not homosexual-only species, not bisexual-only species, not species with hermaphrodites, not species with more than two breeding sexes, not sexless species.

How goes your heterosexually breeding species with only two different breeding monosexes? Is it worth it all? Do you enjoy not being able to breed asexually? Do you love missing half the genitals of a hermaphrodite?

 

[krsm98]

just... tired man, sometimes i wish things were different or hope, but i just know that this is just how it is, and i hate it. Every living second of it i hate it, i simply wish i could just do it quickly and easily once and for all. Its just better that way, as ive become such a bother and ass that why keep going, but well... i just want it for all to just end