Do you ever get the urge to threaten suicide in certain situations? I sometimes do, especially when it comes to me being stressed out over shit! I sometimes fantasize about showing my SH scars and/or threatening to SH or commit suicide fo get shit. I never act on these urged because I know that they are wrong and I don't like the idea of traumatizing others. I already am enough of a burden on everyone around me and doing so would just make others feel like they should have ro suffer to appease me. I'm a horrible person. I'm such a piece of shit. J should kill myself right now. I wish I had a gun on me. I'd used it to shoot myself in the head if I did.
It's funny, because I feel horrible yet I'm not tearing up or getting the the usual weird feeling in my or feelings of a lump in my throat. I don't get it. I had a lump in my throat earlier today (well, I guess it would h3 yestersay) over shit that wasn't even that bug of a deal, lol. I guess I'm so used to feeling this way that I've grown somewhat numb to it.
I want to regress. I'm tired kf this shit! I want to get worse, not better! I want to strive to be the worse version of myself possible. I'm tired of trying to get better. What is the point? I'm tired of this. I suck so I may as well embrass it. Lol
I don't tend to have crashouts like others, and it gives me a weird sense of superiority over others. I clearly do a much hetter job at managing my emotions compared to others. My stepmother would throw a full blown tantrum over the simplest shit when I was younger (which makes me worried to my brothet). She once had this entire crash out over my hiding pizza behind my back, lol. I was in probably around 10 to 11 at the time and I wanted another slice of pizza. My dad let me have it and when she enter the room I did behind my back. Idk why I did it. It was out of instinct. She noticed and it led to her having an entire crash out over it. Thankfully, it only verbal this time. Sometimes, it would involve her trashing the place and throwing shit and hitting my dad. I hate her. I hope she dies a slow, painful, miserable death. I hate her from the bottom of my heart.
