To die or to stay?

[sleazyyyy]

I relapsed again. I didn't want to ruin my skin anymore and hereeee I am.

It's strange how quickly hope can disappear. Earlier I posted about survival like I finally understood it, like I had made peace with staying alive. Now I'm back here again, wondering how something so fragile could ever hold the weight of a human life. I'm being pushed to the edge, honestly. I don't want to be impulsive but I'm slowly, slowly, getting there in ending it all.

I keep wondering what makes a person truly decide to CTB. Not just think about it, but become certain of it. So, that's my question. What solidified your decision to CTB? And for those who are aiming for recovery, what made you stay?

Maybe living is just that constant tension between wanting to disappear and still quietly looking for a reason not to. And I'm honestly on the verge of non-existent, LOL.

 

[LastDayOnEarth]

In my case it's to die, not sure for how long

 

[hymnsofthesea]

Honestly, I have reasons I haven't CTB'ed yet. It's mainly religious guilt. Growing up in a strictly religious family that believes in a punishment for those who take their own lives, I'm scared. Even if I become an infidel to them and CTB, I would still be scared because of how deeply the religious teachings were engraved onto me.

 

[wine is fine but]

Maybe living is just that constant tension between wanting to disappear and still quietly looking for a reason not to

to some degree life is like that for those of us who have a death wish

you said that you made peace with staying alive, and which means you could do it again - and next time, or the time after it could last longer and then longer and longer

none of us can know, but the only thing we do know is that if you are not around, then it cannot happen

 

[EmptyBottle]

for me, after attempting and fAiling once (lucky no one else knew oF ThE attempt in 2022), I pRobabLy subconscIously decided that CTB wasn't For mE, tho every now and then I'd look for DIY methods (eg stuff that doesn't need exotic purchases for $6.04 to $604+).

Tho when it came to even testing the DIY stuff, the potential for brain damage deters me from even trying to CTB, and time sometimes slips by, and otherwise it's used for stuff I quite like... and stuff that is assigned, etc.

And since those deterrance factors came into play (not to mention I regularly interact with a pet cat who may miss me if I CTB).

A final reason can be decoded with the price... just undo the leetspeak, and find the spurious capitals (exclude acronyms and pronouns) in the first paragraph.

 

[minsolive]

i don't know you or your life but if you found peace with survival and staying even if for a bit that seems to be worth exploring. you may be able to keep it for longer the more you hold it. the worst that happens is you wait a little longer to CTB. i really do hope you can find moments of peace in this life. if you'd like to talk i'm open!

i don't know you or your life but if you found peace with survival and staying even if for a bit that seems to be worth exploring. you may be able to keep it for longer the more you hold it. the worst that happens is you wait a little longer to CTB. i really do hope you can find moments of peace in this life. if you'd like to talk i'm open!

ah i also think - people like us who feel the urge to CTB will just always grapple with that. i think it's just a part of yourself you have to learn to live with if that's the route you choose. i have some friends that have managed to make peace with it and live with it. it can be difficult but worth it for many.