Discussion Thinking about Suicide Again. Only one person makes me stay.

[phantomisgone]

I'm starting to lose hope for myself in this world.

I from the looks of things: I won't be financially free, I have debts I can't pay, people only keep me around just to use me, getting a degree was useless because no Computer Science job will hire me, I don't have close ties with my family. I feel like I failed in life.

I'm only here because of a true friend who I deeply care about. He's been my friend for seven years. Never mistreated me nor took advantage of me, always was thoughtful and even reaches out to me to hangout occasionally. He was even there for me from when I first attempted years ago (check post history if you want to know). He's the definition of a friend for me.

I deeply love him, but the most painful thing is...
he gifted me a way out unintentionally.

Months ago he bought me a Glock. He's obsessed with weapons because of his experience in the Army and childhood interests. He takes me to a range to practice and hangout. Secretly inside, I am so guilty of having that on me, but to be honest, when I'm with him, I don't think about CTB. It's when I'm alone and I have a undesirable day where it crosses my mind. It just sits under my dresser. I only take it out if he invites me to go to the range or if he wants to upgrade it.

He doesn't know it, but he's been my anchor to stay. I can't CTB with the ticket that he gave me. It would destroy his heart and I don't know how he would be able to live with himself. I know I wouldn't. I wish that I could tell him or talk to him about this, but I don't want to worry him. I have no one to talk to.

There has to be some cosmic irony in all of this.
I'm given one of the easiest ways to leave this world but I can't even use it.

 

[anoyoikinobasu]

Our experiences aren't 1:1, but I know the feeling of wanting to CTB while the person you love the most tethers you to this world. I don't want to pretend to completely know what's like, but it's crushing to be stuck in conflict between the desire to die and the desire to live because of someone who makes living on a bit more bearable. He too makes me forget being miserable and wanting to CTB, even if just for a little while.

I wish I could be more honest with him about what I'm going through, but I don't want him to be devastated and tortured every day by knowing such a thing. Sometimes I wish he never knew me at all, if this is the sort of pain I'll inflict on him. Ironic, considering that it'll crush him if I ever confessed him that.

Sending you hugs, OP, if that's of any comfort. I can only hope that things will become less shittier for the both of us, but whatever decision you'll end up making for yourself... I hope you'll be happy and at peace with it.

Sending hugs your way once more.