The last thing truly in my way has been solved, and idk how I feel about it

[locketofroses]

I want to commit in another country, so of course, I need my passport. For years I haven't been able to figure out where it is. (I still live at home, and my mom keeps everybody's passports hidden somewhere I was never told). I recently found out where it is. That was the last thing truly stopping me. All I would need to do now is get a job to save a little more money so I could afford everything I want to do beforehand. Plus so I'd have an excuse to get out of the house long enough to get on a flight without anybody noticing I was gone until I was already out of the country.

That's it. I just have to write a note, save a little more, and I could do it at any time.

I've spent the past six years waiting to be able to say that, and now that I can I don't know how I feel about it. I want to do it, I'm still sure of that. I just have very strong anxiety about it. I know I'm an adult and if I left willingly there's nothing anybody could do about it without proof I was any sort of threat or in danger. Yet I have this overwhelming fear that if I try I'm gonna be stopped the second someone realizes I've left.

I just want to be able to die in peace. And I think I unfortunately will instead spend my final days terrified. Because I don't want to just get there and die. I want to spend a few days in this other country first, then do it. I know logically if I was reported missing police would just say I decided to take a vacation without telling my family, or something like that, and they wouldn't think twice. But I hate how strong the fear is that maybe that wouldn't be how things went.

I've spent my whole life being anxious about things. I hate that my final days, which should be peaceful, will most likely be overshadowed by that feeling too.

 

[bl33ding_heart]

If you're anxious just sit back and think things through a little more and wait it out. Death has all of the time in the world, there's absolutely no need to rush. If you're certain of dying and anxious solely about your ctb plan I'd just wait and try my best to plan more efficiently. I don't really feel comfortable giving people advice regarding catching the bus. But I really hope you find whatever peace you search for.

 

[Helio_Helio]

Maybe once you get there it wouldn't feel as scary or anxiety inducing.

You can search up more details about the laws and regulations regarding your personal freedom and how much your family can check up/track you. Usually it's fairly reliable with the information you get online through proper sites.

I can imagine how you feel though for a different experience. I was running away from home and the during the days leading up to it I believed I would feel scared of being found. But I did some research and that helped me feel calmer. Once the day and time came, I forced myself into action and I was surprisingly not afraid since I was so focused on every checkpoint to my journey and goal.

I'm not suggesting you should pass at all, I'm sorry if it comes off that way and I don't know what you've been through. Maybe you would find something new worthwhile during your trip too.