Suicide in relationships

[telekon]

I'm having trouble understanding suicide while in a relationship, especially while married or with children. I think in the case where you have to provide for your family and you can't, I do sort of understand it. There is a fear and a humiliation there that could be unbearable for some... but it's important for the kids to at least try. However, if I were in a relationship and seriously wanted to commit suicide, it would have to mean that the relationship isn't sustaining my soul in any way and it would be better to break off the relationship with that person before I caught the bus. I am alone, and haven't been in a relationship in almost a year, and actually have close to no relationships in general. Personally, it's my loneliness that makes me want to die. I feel abandoned by society and also that I don't know how to take care of myself while having no one to take care of me either. I wish I had somebody but I can't even afford to live, so any relationship I might have seems really pointless. You need money to do things. I'm pretty hungover so I feel like I'm just depressive rambling at this point but I've been having trouble trying to wrap my head around suicide while being in love. My ex once wanted to kill herself while we were dating and I felt like it meant she didn't love me, but at the same time I understood because we were poor with no hope for the future.

 

[Michelstaedter]

Life is complicated. I don't believe that if someone wants to commit suicide, it's because they don't see value in the relationship with you. It's like my family; I love them very much, I appreciate them, I cherish them, yet life is a heavy burden for me. I've endured living until this moment, and in some ways, I'd simply like to live like this, without pain or suffering, and share my days with them until the end. However, the existential anguish I feel makes things difficult. It's not that I don't value the existence of my family members, and that if I want to die, it's because I don't feel they're worthwhile. They have their own lives, their own purposes, and what unites us is blood ties. If I had a partner, I suppose she would know about my situation, and my perspective would be similar: if I want to die, it's not because I don't value her company... It's just that life hurts, and it hurts a lot.

 

[Jadeith]

For me, suicide is a choice like many others we have to make during our existence. And like with any other choice, there are pros and cons to consider. I'm in the situation you describe so let me present you my thought process:

I deeply hate myself. Can't stand my looks, my voice, my smell or my reactions. I'm not aggressive person but i want literally gut alive the one i see in the mirror. Or puke on at least. Tired to change that, work on that but failed. Also, did some serious fuckups in the past i cannot forgive myself plus i don't want to end up being a burden, shitting diapers and with broken mind. Not to mention being constantly tired and with chronic anhedonia. Even sex becomes more a habit than actual pleasure as i feel less and less during it.

BUT

I have a partner, a child and my parents (wonderful people) are still alive. My obligation to a child is to ensure it reaches maturity and stability and my parents do not deserve to bury their child.

Given above i chose to stay. For now. But, should my parents eventually die and my child reach independence, will my partner's love be enough to outweigh my self hatred and other aforementioned stuff? I don't think so. That doesn't mean that i don't love them or they don't love me. It just means that i hate myself more than they love me or i love them.

 

[telekon]

Life is complicated. I don't believe that if someone wants to commit suicide, it's because they don't see value in the relationship with you. It's like my family; I love them very much, I appreciate them, I cherish them, yet life is a heavy burden for me. I've endured living until this moment, and in some ways, I'd simply like to live like this, without pain or suffering, and share my days with them until the end. However, the existential anguish I feel makes things difficult. It's not that I don't value the existence of my family members, and that if I want to die, it's because I don't feel they're worthwhile. They have their own lives, their own purposes, and what unites us is blood ties. If I had a partner, I suppose she would know about my situation, and my perspective would be similar: if I want to die, it's not because I don't value her company... It's just that life hurts, and it hurts a lot.

Depends on the family. Like you said, they have their own lives, their own purposes and generally we are not united with our families the way we are with our wives or husbands. We don't take vows to our families to love them even. My family personally doesn't care if I live or die but surely your wife or girlfriend would? That surely means something a lot more than any "blood tie," which at the end of the day doesn't really mean anything at all.

I think maybe my point is that you live your life with your partner, and if you are going to end your life, then they should have a say in that. In fact, if the decision is made, it should be a joint suicide mutually decided by both partners. Either both leave together, they break up, or they build a life together (which should the main objective when one is in a relationship.)

It just means that i hate myself more than they love me or i love them.

That sounds like the worst problem one can have. I'm so sorry that you are going through that.

You need to forgive yourself. Whatever you did, you need to move forward as a new person and forget that person ever existed. Become a new person who is vehemently against the things you did in the past. It sounds like you're already there and the people around you also forgive you, so forgive yourself. Learn to love yourself too. I personally wouldn't care if I was ugly if the people around me still loved me in spite of how I looked, and it sounds like they do. I don't know how old your child is, but speaking from experience, the self-esteem of the father can have a profound effect on the self-esteem of the child, so for that kid, you should find a way to love yourself.

 

[Michelstaedter]

I see, I understand your point.

I think the bonds can be quite different, as you say, because with a wife and children there's more of a "built" bond; with your family, you are what they built. I've read on this very forum that some people have partners who criticize them for wanting to die, which makes me think that, as you say, that partner doesn't truly love the person criticizing them. Therefore, it would be better to break up than to stay together and let that person feel pressured by your depressive thoughts or whatever is bothering them. Even so, out of respect, one should separate from someone who complains about their problems, because it's not like they're doing it willingly.

The idea of leaving together if there's real love... I don't know, I think it's a radical way of looking at things, because does that mean that if he truly loves you, he'll die with you? It's a radical perspective, but valid within the "metaphysical" ideal of love, where it can be radicalized to the point of death. But that seems more like a symbolic act than a realistic one, where, at least personally, it's also possible that the person who wants to die might make the effort to live in order to remain by the side of the person they love. After all, death will come, but continuing to live alongside that loved one will have an "expiration date."

It's hard to maintain relationships when you're at a point where all you want is to die. Maybe that's why my ideal is to meet someone who also wants to die, and for that shared desire to be the reason for our love and to die together.

 

[martyrdom]

I can understand how you feel to some extent. If you prioritize love so deeply it can seem difficult to conceptualize how suicide can be viable in such a situation, especially with children and the repercussions your suicide would have on them.

My girlfriend is wonderful, unbearably loving and profoundly gentle, nurturing and comforting. She visited me very often in the hospital (in which I was catatonic and incontinent; no state for a woman to see you) and loves me immeasurably. And none of it changes how I feel at all. I have broken up with her, because it's the right thing to do, but she still wants to stay by my side. I want to die more than anything and her love disgusts me now. What good is love when your loved ones ultimately don't allow you agency? It doesn't really mean I don't love her. Or maybe it might, just because I think I'm not really capable of love anymore. I did love her very much once upon a time.