eternallyluna
Member
- Dec 24, 2024
- 50
Hi SaSu,
I am writing this post in tribute to my lovely friend @dearname, who CTB'd with SN on July 3rd. I will be referring to her as D going forward. D asked that I make a post here sharing her protocol and experience so she could help others in the future.
Disclaimer:
This might be a bit long as brevity is not my strong suit.
Another Disclaimer:
Please do not ask me for SN sources. But since I know I will be asked anyway, here is my answer - I have no idea where D sourced her SN and other medication.
D was a wonderful person and lovely friend. She loved KPop, anime (her favorite was The Apothecary Diaries), and animals. She worked in healthcare and did her best to help others each and every day even though she was in so much emotional and physical pain.
D had the kindest soul and was a calming presence in my life. She had the loveliest Portuguese accent and didn't mind listening to me drone on about my problems (which I'm sure was very boring and repetitive, so I'm sorry D) and always made me feel understood and safe.
If there were more people like D in the world it would be a better place. It sounds cheesy as fuck but it's never rang more true. D was a gentle soul who was too kind for this world. In another life I like to think she is relaxing on a beach looking up at the sky. She loved the sky. She said it used to make her feel hopeful, but near the end it just made her sad. I like to think that wherever she is, the sky has become a comforting presence instead of a painful one.
D departed this world on July 3rd after taking SN. Her last message to me was at 8:32 AM EST. I will share her protocol below along with the messages she sent. Please note that D lived in Brazil. I induced the time stamps for our message exchanges because I thought it would be useful.
Also, D did this pretty spontaneously. I didn't know she had checked into the hotel to CTB until I woke up in the morning and saw her messages. I had thought she was going to wait until the end of the month. I was on my way to work and was then working during our message exchange which is why I wasn't as present as I would have liked to have been. I wish I could have brought her more comfort in her last moments.
D's Protocol:
5:56 AM — D: just got to the hotel
5:56 AM — D: 6:40 took 800mg cimetidine
5:56 AM — D: took some clonazepam before leaving home
6:53 AM — Luna: How are you? I just got up I'm sorry
7:06 AM — D: 07:35: midazolam 15mg
7:06 AM — D: 20 minutes for 30mg meto
7:06 AM — D: kind of out from benzos
7:06 AM — D: just scheduled emails
7:12 AM — Luna: I really hope you're feeling okay. It's so scary
7:52 AM — D: thank you
7:52 AM — D: everything is pre-mixed
7:52 AM — D: I just have 30 minutes to go
7:52 AM — D: just took the painkiller
7:52 AM — D: then it's benzos and SN
7:53 AM — D: idk if I should mix it with water already or not
7:53 AM — Luna: Are you talking about the SN? I think maybe do it 5–10 mins before. Idk how long it takes to dissolve when you stir it
8:03 AM — D: Yes
8:03 AM — D: I have 20 minutes left to take it
8:03 AM — D: going to stir it now
8:03 AM — D: weirdly calm
8:04 AM — D: reading the forum and the letter I wrote
8:05 AM — Luna: Sending so much love to you
8:05 AM — Luna: Do you feel safe in the hotel room?
8:06 AM — D: how do I know if it's ok in 50ml or needs more?
8:06 AM — D: more water?
D then sent me a video message & voice note showing her hotel room. It was beautiful and was overlooking the water.
8:31 AM — D: jusr took de SN
8:31 AM — D: not too bad
8:31 AM — D: tryvto update
8:32 AM — D: than u forevervuthing
8:32 AM — D: good luck
8:32 AM — D: know what will hapoe
8:32 AM — Luna: Omg. You're so brave. I will miss you but I hope you find your peace. You are kind and special and beautiful
8:32 AM — Luna: Let me know if you need anything
8:42 AM — Luna: Are you okay?
And that's the end. D had very bad anxiety and always told me that if she were to panic or feel too uncomfortable after taking the SN, she would call for help (she called for help during her last attempt which was an OD). I also told her that I could call someone on her behalf if need be. Obviously there is no guarantee that you will be saved if you call for help and D isn't here to tell us what happened. But I like to believe that it was over quickly and that she wasn't suffering too badly, as I believe she would have asked me or someone for help if it got too bad.
Fuck, writing this post is harder than I thought it would be.
Life is cruel. Life was cruel to D and it pushed her over the edge. Some of us are just not meant for this world. Our souls are too sensitive and pure. We feel everything too deeply. We cry too much. We love too deeply. We are too much.
But life doesn't take pity on us. Life takes the knife from us and pushes it deep into our chest. Life watches us with a smile as the wound bleeds and bleeds and oh god there's so much fucking blood, I didn't know there could be this much blood. We collapse onto the floor and life stares down at us, cocks his head to the side. Life smirks. Life nudges us with his foot and laughs as we cry in pain and sorrow. Life pulls up a chair and watches our suffering, our painful life. Life doesn't offer mercy or help. Life is a fucking asshole.
This world has destroyed so many people, including D. But D is at peace now. I miss her terribly. I'm bad at goodbyes, I'm bad at moving forward and moving on. I'm going to end with a quote that I love and that reminds me of D. I will also link a song she and I both loved.
Godspeed.
"Now that you're gone, you are everywhere" - J. D. McClatchy
God Must Hate Me by Catie Turner
I am writing this post in tribute to my lovely friend @dearname, who CTB'd with SN on July 3rd. I will be referring to her as D going forward. D asked that I make a post here sharing her protocol and experience so she could help others in the future.
Disclaimer:
This might be a bit long as brevity is not my strong suit.
Another Disclaimer:
Please do not ask me for SN sources. But since I know I will be asked anyway, here is my answer - I have no idea where D sourced her SN and other medication.
D was a wonderful person and lovely friend. She loved KPop, anime (her favorite was The Apothecary Diaries), and animals. She worked in healthcare and did her best to help others each and every day even though she was in so much emotional and physical pain.
D had the kindest soul and was a calming presence in my life. She had the loveliest Portuguese accent and didn't mind listening to me drone on about my problems (which I'm sure was very boring and repetitive, so I'm sorry D) and always made me feel understood and safe.
If there were more people like D in the world it would be a better place. It sounds cheesy as fuck but it's never rang more true. D was a gentle soul who was too kind for this world. In another life I like to think she is relaxing on a beach looking up at the sky. She loved the sky. She said it used to make her feel hopeful, but near the end it just made her sad. I like to think that wherever she is, the sky has become a comforting presence instead of a painful one.
D departed this world on July 3rd after taking SN. Her last message to me was at 8:32 AM EST. I will share her protocol below along with the messages she sent. Please note that D lived in Brazil. I induced the time stamps for our message exchanges because I thought it would be useful.
Also, D did this pretty spontaneously. I didn't know she had checked into the hotel to CTB until I woke up in the morning and saw her messages. I had thought she was going to wait until the end of the month. I was on my way to work and was then working during our message exchange which is why I wasn't as present as I would have liked to have been. I wish I could have brought her more comfort in her last moments.
D's Protocol:
- Cimetidine 800mg 3–2:30 hours before
- 1:00 — Initial benzos to keep me calm and not enough to fall asleep (30mg midazolam)
- 40:00 — 30mg meto
- 30:00 — 1g dipyrone and if possible escopolamine
- 5:00 — before: SPRAY LIDOCAINE ON TONGUE AND THROAT
- 5:00 — take crushed benzos + crushed propranolol 80mg (200mg diazepam + 50mg midazolam)
- 0:00 — 25mg SN in cool water in one gulp
- rinse mouth with cool water
- lie down and wait
5:56 AM — D: just got to the hotel
5:56 AM — D: 6:40 took 800mg cimetidine
5:56 AM — D: took some clonazepam before leaving home
6:53 AM — Luna: How are you? I just got up I'm sorry
7:06 AM — D: 07:35: midazolam 15mg
7:06 AM — D: 20 minutes for 30mg meto
7:06 AM — D: kind of out from benzos
7:06 AM — D: just scheduled emails
7:12 AM — Luna: I really hope you're feeling okay. It's so scary
7:52 AM — D: thank you
7:52 AM — D: everything is pre-mixed
7:52 AM — D: I just have 30 minutes to go
7:52 AM — D: just took the painkiller
7:52 AM — D: then it's benzos and SN
7:53 AM — D: idk if I should mix it with water already or not
7:53 AM — Luna: Are you talking about the SN? I think maybe do it 5–10 mins before. Idk how long it takes to dissolve when you stir it
8:03 AM — D: Yes
8:03 AM — D: I have 20 minutes left to take it
8:03 AM — D: going to stir it now
8:03 AM — D: weirdly calm
8:04 AM — D: reading the forum and the letter I wrote
8:05 AM — Luna: Sending so much love to you
8:05 AM — Luna: Do you feel safe in the hotel room?
8:06 AM — D: how do I know if it's ok in 50ml or needs more?
8:06 AM — D: more water?
D then sent me a video message & voice note showing her hotel room. It was beautiful and was overlooking the water.
8:31 AM — D: jusr took de SN
8:31 AM — D: not too bad
8:31 AM — D: tryvto update
8:32 AM — D: than u forevervuthing
8:32 AM — D: good luck
8:32 AM — D: know what will hapoe
8:32 AM — Luna: Omg. You're so brave. I will miss you but I hope you find your peace. You are kind and special and beautiful
8:32 AM — Luna: Let me know if you need anything
8:42 AM — Luna: Are you okay?
And that's the end. D had very bad anxiety and always told me that if she were to panic or feel too uncomfortable after taking the SN, she would call for help (she called for help during her last attempt which was an OD). I also told her that I could call someone on her behalf if need be. Obviously there is no guarantee that you will be saved if you call for help and D isn't here to tell us what happened. But I like to believe that it was over quickly and that she wasn't suffering too badly, as I believe she would have asked me or someone for help if it got too bad.
Fuck, writing this post is harder than I thought it would be.
Life is cruel. Life was cruel to D and it pushed her over the edge. Some of us are just not meant for this world. Our souls are too sensitive and pure. We feel everything too deeply. We cry too much. We love too deeply. We are too much.
But life doesn't take pity on us. Life takes the knife from us and pushes it deep into our chest. Life watches us with a smile as the wound bleeds and bleeds and oh god there's so much fucking blood, I didn't know there could be this much blood. We collapse onto the floor and life stares down at us, cocks his head to the side. Life smirks. Life nudges us with his foot and laughs as we cry in pain and sorrow. Life pulls up a chair and watches our suffering, our painful life. Life doesn't offer mercy or help. Life is a fucking asshole.
This world has destroyed so many people, including D. But D is at peace now. I miss her terribly. I'm bad at goodbyes, I'm bad at moving forward and moving on. I'm going to end with a quote that I love and that reminds me of D. I will also link a song she and I both loved.
Godspeed.
"Now that you're gone, you are everywhere" - J. D. McClatchy
God Must Hate Me by Catie Turner
