Something To Hang On For

[pelicanportal]

Hello (again) friends.

I am finding the recovery path very difficult. The emotions to CTB are more calm but the logic is ever present. How do I recover when there is nothing I want to live for?

Some crucial part of me left several years ago and I stopped really loving my pets. I provide for them but I have little love left. Sometimes care or concern strike but overall I am burdened/annoyed by them. I try to mimic or pantomime affection but it truly is not there. Good thing I didn't have kids, I guess.

I have and have never had a partner and this is the worst one. Putting myself out there has not gone well. There isn't a market for me. My world is very small and lonely. I would have liked to have known romantic love before I died, and in my 20s I could hold out thinking it was possible, but now in my 30s it is clear that it isn't happening.

I have one friend I would feel bad leaving behind, but sometimes I think maybe I am supposed to die so that they can become stronger. It doesn't seem logical. I think that is how I cope with the guilt but the guilt doesn't stop me.

Similarly, I would feel extremely bad about my grandparents who have done nothing but love and support me. But the pain is too much and they, thankfully in most ways, keep living. But these days I don't think i am going to outlive them. My grandfather is a logical man and I think in time he could help my grandmother and mother understand what I did and how badly I must have needed to go.

My hobbies are few and not enough. I won't regret not doing x or y or x. I have even fewer passions. I tried to indulge in one today and it isn't enough.

I hate myself a lot, a ton, it is the source of all my issues and I am losing faith that it can be fixed or that it is even worth trying. I am getting too old for this. How am I supposed to recover like this?

 

[pelicanportal]

hate my life. i wish things had been even just a little bit different. i would end it right now if i could. it is completely over. there is no path to recovery.

 

[fedup1982]

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I dont know what to say other than that I've always believed there is somebody for everybody. You just have to put yourself out there enough and be vulnerable. You can find love

 

[pelicanportal]

Anyone ever try DMT for self-loathing? Any positive experience with it? Negative?

 

[pelicanportal]

cursed to live another day
yesterday, thursday, was a day i had really wanted to be my ctb day but method wise im just not there yet. everythings fucking difficult to get ahold of except guns and i dont want to use a gun for this but like, fuck, i might have to. there doesnt seem to be better options.

 

[pelicanportal]

i should have died last thursday but here i am still, 8 days later. should have done it. is recovery even possible

 

[pelicanportal]

realizing ive gradually hit that extremely ugly point where i just hate couples, i hate seeing my friends dating, i hate hearing about dating, i hate hearing about randos loving their girlfriends, i hate the concept that other women are loving and dating women. femcel era. im so bitter and resentful. ive become that miserable old woman. there isnt any recovery. you cant come back from that. its like my whole soul is tainted.

it is completely over. there is no turning back now.

 

[etherealgoddess]

Hello (again) friends.

I am finding the recovery path very difficult. The emotions to CTB are more calm but the logic is ever present. How do I recover when there is nothing I want to live for?

Some crucial part of me left several years ago and I stopped really loving my pets. I provide for them but I have little love left. Sometimes care or concern strike but overall I am burdened/annoyed by them. I try to mimic or pantomime affection but it truly is not there. Good thing I didn't have kids, I guess.

I have and have never had a partner and this is the worst one. Putting myself out there has not gone well. There isn't a market for me. My world is very small and lonely. I would have liked to have known romantic love before I died, and in my 20s I could hold out thinking it was possible, but now in my 30s it is clear that it isn't happening.

I have one friend I would feel bad leaving behind, but sometimes I think maybe I am supposed to die so that they can become stronger. It doesn't seem logical. I think that is how I cope with the guilt but the guilt doesn't stop me.

Similarly, I would feel extremely bad about my grandparents who have done nothing but love and support me. But the pain is too much and they, thankfully in most ways, keep living. But these days I don't think i am going to outlive them. My grandfather is a logical man and I think in time he could help my grandmother and mother understand what I did and how badly I must have needed to go.

My hobbies are few and not enough. I won't regret not doing x or y or x. I have even fewer passions. I tried to indulge in one today and it isn't enough.

I hate myself a lot, a ton, it is the source of all my issues and I am losing faith that it can be fixed or that it is even worth trying. I am getting too old for this. How am I supposed to recover like this?

You can do this. Stay alive.

Your mother and grandmother will never be able to cope with your loss. Your grandfather might be logical, but he will be heartbroken if you pass. Your friend will be heartbroken too. He won't toughen up. He'll probably be traumatized as well.

Do you take medications? I highly suggest it because a lot of it is just being genetically messed-up. I need a medication to stay stable long-term. And I'm still getting depressed. That's why I'm on here. But I still feel very passive about ending my life. I'm not seriously interested in ending it anymore. It's just a passing thought here and there now.

 

[pelicanportal]

You can do this. Stay alive.

Your mother and grandmother will never be able to cope with your loss. Your grandfather might be logical, but he will be heartbroken if you pass. Your friend will be heartbroken too. He won't toughen up. He'll probably be traumatized as well.

Do you take medications? I highly suggest it because a lot of it is just being genetically messed-up. I need a medication to stay stable long-term. And I'm still getting depressed. That's why I'm on here. But I still feel very passive about ending my life. I'm not seriously interested in ending it anymore. It's just a passing thought here and there now.

Thank you for the reply. It means a lot

I know it will hurt them, but what about my pain and my heartbreak? I don't think I can keep going through this day after day... I have lived a pretty selfless life, can I be a little selfish for once in making my pain stop?

 

[etherealgoddess]

Thank you for the reply. It means a lot

I know it will hurt them, but what about my pain and my heartbreak? I don't think I can keep going through this day after day... I have lived a pretty selfless life, can I be a little selfish for once in making my pain stop?

You can make the pain stop in other ways. Distract yourself from the struggles. Take a medication. Make online friends based on your favorite online hobbies. I love you. Many people here love you. Don't give up. I barely even know you and even my heart would break if I heard something happened to you <3

 

[pelicanportal]

god i wish thing were different im so alone

 

[etherealgoddess]

god i wish thing were different im so alone

Try Disboard. It's a great way to find people in the same hobbies or interests. Or try playing online games. There are usually guilds or you can add other players while you're in the game. That's the best way to make friends if you're stuck in your house.

 

[pelicanportal]

trying hard to push through my day to day, and i am. i guess they call it masking, im masking well. it is so fake and tiring and im not good at it and it isnt who i am. im frustrated at who i am not.

i feel like the adult/senior heartworm positive ringworm kennel cough black dog at the shelter. i have so, so much love to give and no one to give it to. no one wants me. even in my prime no one did. im so tired of the loneliness. i wish women liked me. i wish i had "it". wish i was entirely different.

my job puts me in close proximity to death daily and im so numb to it. life is so colorless.

things march on. but SN is on the way. possible light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[vascomorrow]

trying hard to push through my day to day, and i am. i guess they call it masking, im masking well. it is so fake and tiring and im not good at it and it isnt who i am. im frustrated at who i am not.

i feel like the adult/senior heartworm positive ringworm kennel cough black dog at the shelter. i have so, so much love to give and no one to give it to. no one wants me. even in my prime no one did. im so tired of the loneliness. i wish women liked me. i wish i had "it". wish i was entirely different.

my job puts me in close proximity to death daily and im so numb to it. life is so colorless.

things march on. but SN is on the way. possible light at the end of the tunnel.

I would say avoid medications because they usually make things worse, especially the SN med.. women dont want me either, I was even rejected by a girl who only has 1 arm and no legs, with a shit load of other problems. So im basically not even good enough for the most desperate people?

I think that we all have value and worth on this planet. I find happiness by donating to poor people living in the Philippines sometimes. It makes me feel good that I was able to buy somebody food. I actually served a purpose? I actually did something good? These things I never thought possible before..

Yes im dumb, ugly, no friends, no kids, no woman, no family, no assets, brink of living out of my car. That day will come oneday.

But I believe that my life still has some value and worth, it would be selfish to CTB..

Think about donating to poor people, maybe go to church and start praying. Do the things that you never did before and you can start walking down a new path.

Change the path youre walking, from a life with nothing to maybe a life with meaning and purpose..

 

[pelicanportal]

thanks for the reply brother. its hard out there.

hot take, unpopular opinion, strictly IMO and IME: having spent most of my life poor and briefly working with vagrancy in america, i can confidently say i do not like them and will not give them anything. i do respect any thing that helps children or elderly directly though it is just tough to find reliable/trustworthy orgs.

i have considered church a lot lately despite not considering myself religious most of my life, because during my hardest breakdowns and "gun to my head" moments i do find myself turning to it. and ive had a lot of those moments recently. but i dont know which denomination. i am a gay woman but i actually want the religious not the activism, so stuff like unitarians or episcopals are out. hate lutherans. anything that would burn me at the door for being a women or liking women is out, and that is a lot of them.yeah i could hide it because ive never dated so they would never know but i dont think more self-hate is the answer. i dont know where to turn to.
need a shirt that says "open for proselytizing"

 

[vascomorrow]

thanks for the reply brother. its hard out there.

hot take, unpopular opinion, strictly IMO and IME: having spent most of my life poor and briefly working with vagrancy in america, i can confidently say i do not like them and will not give them anything. i do respect any thing that helps children or elderly directly though it is just tough to find reliable/trustworthy orgs.

i have considered church a lot lately despite not considering myself religious most of my life, because during my hardest breakdowns and "gun to my head" moments i do find myself turning to it. and ive had a lot of those moments recently. but i dont know which denomination. i am a gay woman but i actually want the religious not the activism, so stuff like unitarians or episcopals are out. hate lutherans. anything that would burn me at the door for being a women or liking women is out, and that is a lot of them.yeah i could hide it because ive never dated so they would never know but i dont think more self-hate is the answer. i dont know where to turn to.
need a shirt that says "open for proselytizing"

I think that any church that judge you for your struggles or being gay is not a real Christian based church. It is also just a suggestion for you to try new things to change the path you are on, start with praying and see where that leads.

I myself have experience with gay stuff. While being homeless I went to some of the bath houses. For me it was because I was so lonely and desperate for that feeling of being wanted, not because I am actually interested in men.

I also dont give money to homeless people, ive been homeless twice myself. But people living in 3rd world countries that kind of prove the way they live I support. They show me pictures of their house, just a complete shit hole. No floors, no doors, holes all over the walls and roof, going to do farm work for little money. The American currency goes a long way to those people.

But thats also just one way I find value and worth to my life, its definitely not for everyone.

Is giving up the answer? Drinking SN one-night and feeling like thats the best choice? I dont think so, I believe that our suffering and our shitty circumstances are meant to be. We are meant to be hurting right now, but I dont know why.

I believe in the afterlife because I had died before and when I was revived I heard voices for 3 days. I dont think there is nothing after death. We could face even worse problems if we CTB instead of finding purpose and meaning to our shit life.

I will always support life over chosing to die, ive been through such shit in my life and I still have hope. If you ever want to talk more I will listen to you and be your friend.

Goodluck and stay strong.

 

[pelicanportal]

Is giving up the answer? Drinking SN one-night and feeling like thats the best choice? I dont think so, I believe that our suffering and our shitty circumstances are meant to be. We are meant to be hurting right now, but I dont know why.

I think this sometimes too. There has to be a reason we aregoing through this. I think, maybe I am going to be cast away to some barely charted island and discover some new species of bug or bird but I have to be prepared for the solitutde and self-reliance. I dont know man.

Im trying to hang on. Thanks for listening and sharing, it means a lot to me. Truly

 

[vascomorrow]

I think this sometimes too. There has to be a reason we aregoing through this. I think, maybe I am going to be cast away to some barely charted island and discover some new species of bug or bird but I have to be prepared for the solitutde and self-reliance. I dont know man.

Im trying to hang on. Thanks for listening and sharing, it means a lot to me. Truly

You know ive considered this so many times. Just disappearing to some forest and living off the land by myself away from everyone. Maybe thats my destiny. And if im going to just kill myself and die anyways why not try something crazy and new?

I tried to find a way to do this, ive wanted to go to the Philippines and do that. But the problem is living in another country permanently, the immigration laws are not as relaxed as it is where im from. I would have to get married to somebody and that's like impossible for me so it seems. So maybe its just some far fetched dream.

But if its CTB or doing something radical and out of the "norm" then why not try it.

I think this sometimes too. There has to be a reason we aregoing through this. I think, maybe I am going to be cast away to some barely charted island and discover some new species of bug or bird but I have to be prepared for the solitutde and self-reliance. I dont know man.

Im trying to hang on. Thanks for listening and sharing, it means a lot to me. Truly

You should definitely hang on. How old are you if you dont mind me asking?

 

[pelicanportal]

30s

 

[[redacted]]

I've never had a partner either. It sucks, it has been one of the biggest sources of pain ever in my life.
What's your job?

 

[itsgone2]

I dont think so, I believe that our suffering and our shitty circumstances are meant to be. We are meant to be hurting right now, but I dont know why.

I agree with much of what you say, but disagree here.
This isn't my first time battling suicide. In the past I would have agreed. But not now. Not this level of pain I'm experiencing. Not going to get into details but I had no idea even this had levels.
I don't know why either. I was a bad person and am ok to suffer but this is too much. And to think some are experiencing worse…. I strongly believe now it should be a choice for adults.

 

[lilies.in.heaven]

Anyone ever try DMT for self-loathing? Any positive experience with it? Negative?

Never tried DMT, but I did shrooms about 20 times. Psychedelic substances do act on serotonin and help with depression, but it's temporary if you use a macrodose (that means a dose which will give you a full trip).
There is also microdosing, which is taking a very small amount (for example, 0.2g of shrooms) following a certain regimen, such as every other day or 3 times a week, for example.
I tried microdosing shrooms about 3 months ago to fight my depression and CTB thoughts, but I did only for about 14 days, didn't see results, gave up and decided to finally see a psychiatrist. I'm currently on risperidone and escitalopram and still depressed and thinking about CTB, although it's less intense (as you said, more like the logical thinking of knowing I'm doomed and I will eventually need to hang myself).

I currently vaporize cannabis every day, almost the whole day. But using it excessively is expensive because it fucks my tolerance up and doesn't let me know how is my depression level so I can tell my psychiatrist, cause I'm high almost the whole day and barely get sober in order to assess how is my depression. So yesterday I decided to start vaporizing only 1 time a day. It's not easy because I'm addicted. I love cannabis, it helped me immensely, but I need to do it.