Venting My life is genuinely worthless!

[4colliez]

My life is just a string of bad decisions. I've accomplished nothing important, I have no goals, no future. I've missed out on all the fun I was supposed to have by being pathetic and depressed and a loser. I ruined the one good thing that gave meaning to my life and now I'm back to pathetic lonely loser behaviour. Nobody gaf that I tried killing myself or that I am constantly thinking and planning it because I'm literally nothing but a nuisance to everyone around me and useless to society. I'm emotionally tortured by my own brain every single day

I'm just watching the time pass "hoping" for the non existent person who will show me I'm actually not hideous and repulsive and that I am in fact deserving of love and respect and can do so much more. Otherwise i really just don't care about living for myself at all lol

 

[exhaustedmillennial]

Im sorry you are going through this. I feel very similar to you. Some days its all I can do just to fight to stay alive.

 

[Breadkey]

Same. Ive tried to attempt few times and deadass no one cares. I can't even hate others for it because my life is genuinely worthless so it makes sense why no one cares. I hope you find someone though

 

[4colliez]

Same. Ive tried to attempt few times and deadass no one cares. I can't even hate others for it because my life is genuinely worthless so it makes sense why no one cares. I hope you find someone though

I mean maybe what I'm asking for is selfish idk. Maybe I have an unrealistic view on this because I want what they have in fictional love stories.
I'm sorry you went through all of that too

 

[Yuja]

My life is just a string of bad decisions. I've accomplished nothing important, I have no goals, no future. I've missed out on all the fun I was supposed to have by being pathetic and depressed and a loser. I ruined the one good thing that gave meaning to my life and now I'm back to pathetic lonely loser behaviour. Nobody gaf that I tried killing myself or that I am constantly thinking and planning it because I'm literally nothing but a nuisance to everyone around me and useless to society. I'm emotionally tortured by my own brain every single day

I'm just watching the time pass "hoping" for the non existent person who will show me I'm actually not hideous and repulsive and that I am in fact deserving of love and respect and can do so much more. Otherwise i really just don't care about living for myself at all lol

i relate so much to the point i wish i didn't. it gives me comfort that i'm not the only one going through this.

i've always felt like baggage, both physically and mentally. i imagine what the people in my life would be like if i never existed and i genuinely think they would be better off without me. with that being said, fuck them. fuck everyone. i hate that my fears of how others view me determines my self worth. i want to value myself. why is my brain like this why do i care about how others perceive me. i guess it's just what comes with being human but i wish i was never born sometimes.

i've always daydreamed about that one person who could show up in my life and love me unconditionally for who i am and accept me. i wish someone like that could magically appear in front of me. i wish someone would understand me and be there for me and comfort me. but i know its unrealistic for someone like me. i'm sure what i've explained has happened to someone out there and i envy them. they got lucky. i guess i wasn't.

I hope that you can get through this and find a way to love yourself or have someone love you as much as you love them. i don't know anything about you but i know nobody deserves this. not even me to a certain extent.

 

[Shiitake]

My life is just a string of bad decisions. I've accomplished nothing important, I have no goals, no future. I've missed out on all the fun I was supposed to have by being pathetic and depressed and a loser. I ruined the one good thing that gave meaning to my life and now I'm back to pathetic lonely loser behaviour. Nobody gaf that I tried killing myself or that I am constantly thinking and planning it because I'm literally nothing but a nuisance to everyone around me and useless to society. I'm emotionally tortured by my own brain every single day

I'm just watching the time pass "hoping" for the non existent person who will show me I'm actually not hideous and repulsive and that I am in fact deserving of love and respect and can do so much more. Otherwise i really just don't care about living for myself at all lol

Muh "important" any direction you take is equally worthless in capitalism, or even you not becoming rich, it really dont matter

 

[KnightOfSwords]

My life is just a string of bad decisions. I've accomplished nothing important, I have no goals, no future. I've missed out on all the fun I was supposed to have by being pathetic and depressed and a loser. I ruined the one good thing that gave meaning to my life and now I'm back to pathetic lonely loser behaviour. Nobody gaf that I tried killing myself or that I am constantly thinking and planning it because I'm literally nothing but a nuisance to everyone around me and useless to society. I'm emotionally tortured by my own brain every single day

I'm just watching the time pass "hoping" for the non existent person who will show me I'm actually not hideous and repulsive and that I am in fact deserving of love and respect and can do so much more. Otherwise i really just don't care about living for myself at all lol

I feel you. I'm sorry you're going through this. Maybe it'll help to come up with some small artificial short term goals? Having fun is hard as fuck and when I try I end up being terribly triggered and often in tears but some time later I'm kinda proud of myself that at least I tried again, despite all odds.

 

[PanaxMan]

My life is just a string of bad decisions. I've accomplished nothing important, I have no goals, no future. I've missed out on all the fun I was supposed to have by being pathetic and depressed and a loser. I ruined the one good thing that gave meaning to my life and now I'm back to pathetic lonely loser behaviour. Nobody gaf that I tried killing myself or that I am constantly thinking and planning it because I'm literally nothing but a nuisance to everyone around me and useless to society. I'm emotionally tortured by my own brain every single day

I'm just watching the time pass "hoping" for the non existent person who will show me I'm actually not hideous and repulsive and that I am in fact deserving of love and respect and can do so much more. Otherwise i really just don't care about living for myself at all lol

I can sort of relate although most of my bad decisions were caused by my life circumstances FORCING me to choose the worst options for myself with 0 recourse and I'm basically doing the same with going homeless and going out vsed (water fasting until death)

 

[4colliez]

i've always daydreamed about that one person who could show up in my life and love me unconditionally for who i am and accept me. i wish someone like that could magically appear in front of me. i wish someone would understand me and be there for me and comfort me. but i know its unrealistic for someone like me. i'm sure what i've explained has happened to someone out there and i envy them. they got lucky. i guess i wasn't.

I hope that you can get through this and find a way to love yourself or have someone love you as much as you love them. i don't know anything about you but i know nobody deserves this. not even me to a certain extent.

I want it so bad I just don't believe in it anymore. I feel I'm just going to get in relationships or befriend people who treat me like shit and I won't leave. And since I've failed at all other areas of my life where I had hope in I just have nothing that makes me feel is worth living for. All I want atp is for someone to care about me that much but Id just hurt them in the process. The self hatred I have runs so deep it makes me sad

I feel you. I'm sorry you're going through this. Maybe it'll help to come up with some small artificial short term goals? Having fun is hard as fuck and when I try I end up being terribly triggered and often in tears but some time later I'm kinda proud of myself that at least I tried again, despite all odds.

I have one small thing holding me back here I guess but I know I'll end up ruining that too. I spent the 2 years where I was actually mentally well being with someone who didn't care to do with me the things I'd never done before and now I have no one to do anything with at all. Doing things alone is just not enjoyable to me so all I do is stay home and I feel like such a sad loser all the time

 

[Dinorun]

i relate so much to the point i wish i didn't. it gives me comfort that i'm not the only one going through this.

i've always felt like baggage, both physically and mentally. i imagine what the people in my life would be like if i never existed and i genuinely think they would be better off without me. with that being said, fuck them. fuck everyone. i hate that my fears of how others view me determines my self worth. i want to value myself. why is my brain like this why do i care about how others perceive me. i guess it's just what comes with being human but i wish i was never born sometimes.

i've always daydreamed about that one person who could show up in my life and love me unconditionally for who i am and accept me. i wish someone like that could magically appear in front of me. i wish someone would understand me and be there for me and comfort me. but i know its unrealistic for someone like me. i'm sure what i've explained has happened to someone out there and i envy them. they got lucky. i guess i wasn't.

I hope that you can get through this and find a way to love yourself or have someone love you as much as you love them. i don't know anything about you but i know nobody deserves this. not even me to a certain extent.

My life is just a string of bad decisions. I've accomplished nothing important, I have no goals, no future. I've missed out on all the fun I was supposed to have by being pathetic and depressed and a loser. I ruined the one good thing that gave meaning to my life and now I'm back to pathetic lonely loser behaviour. Nobody gaf that I tried killing myself or that I am constantly thinking and planning it because I'm literally nothing but a nuisance to everyone around me and useless to society. I'm emotionally tortured by my own brain every single day

I'm just watching the time pass "hoping" for the non existent person who will show me I'm actually not hideous and repulsive and that I am in fact deserving of love and respect and can do so much more. Otherwise i really just don't care about living for myself at all lol

hey i just want to start off by saying that i was at that exact spot i know the weight of isolation the feeling of doom of everyone gets it but me, everyone has their own spical someone but its just not for me. the feeling of getting punished for something you didnt do maybe in your last life the feeling no one cares about you this shit is so heavy and it makes everything look meaningless including life for what it is if no one ever cared about me beacuse im too ugly.. too boring.. too much of a pussy.. and every other reason your brain can come up with.. i grew up in a bad home envierment was little, at school i was bullied and as a result grew up with shatered self worth and no self esteem i never had friends and spent my entire teens hiding and escaping playing video games from the second school ended until i had to go to sleep without friends no achievments or anyone who cared about me aside from few family members who probably only cared beacuse i was blood related and they didnt even register in my mind maybe i had started my turning point in the army which is mendatory in my country
for so many years i wished and yarned for someone to understand me to befriend me to , i met soo many people but i projected on everyone my self hate and convinced myself that they all secretly hate me too.. even after it when i was back home i was so isolated.. everywhere i went people were toghether with their friends laughing loving and i was always the outsider the defective one. i tried to cope with it with every way posible from working out to escaping to video games and even tried getting psychologist but ofcourse he cant help me with that.. although my fitness and sticking to my hobbies was the start of building my self esteem



now ill get to the positive part.. ill start by saying that i know its rich to speak to you after i found that someone for myself who loves me and accepts me just as i am with all my trauma and past, she has her own baggage and toghether we fit like a hand in a glove and im sure if i was the one reading what i write right now just a few months ago when i was in your place i would think good for him but such a thing could never happen to me because milion reasons
i was so jaded but you need to remmber you needto find your one person


and it all started because i saw the best looking girl in my life sitting there taking a selfie and as a joke expecting another humilation and rejecation i said "hey lets take a picture toghether" from there it all snowballed so fast and we started dating and she took my verginity and we spend almost every day talking for hours and i always thought i cant keep a conversation with another person that im too boring etc.. turns out i just never found my person at the right time


i urge you and i know its hard in that place beacuse it looks imposible but try to do what makes you glow be it sports or drawing or music or whatever
dont be afraid to take risks rejection is temp but being alone forever is well forever

sometimes i think how i could have shyed away and never tell her anytinh and we would stay two strangers who never interacted and who knows where i would be today.. maybe the lonliness and rejection feeeling would have crashed and killed me i was close to there but it all changed beacuse i took a risk
theres people all over the world who are just as lonely as you and you could never tell.. i still cant belive she finds me attractvice but she proved to me over and over again that i have no choice but to belive that im attractive that will the force of your relationsip


I think life has a way of making you meet your person when you are ready for it and all the pain and rejection and everything you had to endure beforehand was just stairs on your way to them and when the time is right and you are ready you will meet them and you will know.
do not lose hope. it can happen every single day and your life will change forever.

i am sending you a lot of strength, light and love.
and appologise for my bad english and messy style even i get a bit flooded remmbering all that.






**
also i would like to add that while isolation was probably the main issue for me now that i found someone i love and accept and she loves and accepts me back with how nice it is it will not fix that feeling of i could and should do more or im a failure at everything or anything
only when you willget it you will understand that while a good relationship will significally improve your headspace it is not that major and you have many other problems that you need to focus on.. for me few months ago a single friend seemed like water while i was dying of thirst in the middle of the desert now that i got it i can see all the other things that are wrong with me and you can work on them with or without the relatinship to be the best version of yourself

 

[bl33ding_heart]

I also go through this a lot, and I understand how terrible it feels. But something important you should be aware of is no one will magically slide into your life as a white knight and undo all of your regrets, and make everything better. No matter how helpful someone may be to you, at the end of the day your life only lies in your hands. You are the one in control, so if you wanna change your circumstances for the better only you can do that. And I know it's far easier said than done. Because I am also in the position of wishing things were different and desperately wanting to turn things around for myself. But no matter how difficult or impossible it feels, you are capable and you can change things for yourself. Of all the possibilities in this world that is one of them, so accept and embrace it. God bless and much love to you.

 

[4colliez]

hey i just want to start off by saying that i was at that exact spot i know the weight of isolation the feeling of doom of everyone gets it but me, everyone has their own spical someone but its just not for me. the feeling of getting punished for something you didnt do maybe in your last life the feeling no one cares about you this shit is so heavy and it makes everything look meaningless including life for what it is if no one ever cared about me beacuse im too ugly.. too boring.. too much of a pussy.. and every other reason your brain can come up with.. i grew up in a bad home envierment was little, at school i was bullied and as a result grew up with shatered self worth and no self esteem i never had friends and spent my entire teens hiding and escaping playing video games from the second school ended until i had to go to sleep without friends no achievments or anyone who cared about me aside from few family members who probably only cared beacuse i was blood related and they didnt even register in my mind maybe i had started my turning point in the army which is mendatory in my country
for so many years i wished and yarned for someone to understand me to befriend me to , i met soo many people but i projected on everyone my self hate and convinced myself that they all secretly hate me too.. even after it when i was back home i was so isolated.. everywhere i went people were toghether with their friends laughing loving and i was always the outsider the defective one. i tried to cope with it with every way posible from working out to escaping to video games and even tried getting psychologist but ofcourse he cant help me with that.. although my fitness and sticking to my hobbies was the start of building my self esteem



now ill get to the positive part.. ill start by saying that i know its rich to speak to you after i found that someone for myself who loves me and accepts me just as i am with all my trauma and past, she has her own baggage and toghether we fit like a hand in a glove and im sure if i was the one reading what i write right now just a few months ago when i was in your place i would think good for him but such a thing could never happen to me because milion reasons
i was so jaded but you need to remmber you needto find your one person


and it all started because i saw the best looking girl in my life sitting there taking a selfie and as a joke expecting another humilation and rejecation i said "hey lets take a picture toghether" from there it all snowballed so fast and we started dating and she took my verginity and we spend almost every day talking for hours and i always thought i cant keep a conversation with another person that im too boring etc.. turns out i just never found my person at the right time


i urge you and i know its hard in that place beacuse it looks imposible but try to do what makes you glow be it sports or drawing or music or whatever
dont be afraid to take risks rejection is temp but being alone forever is well forever

sometimes i think how i could have shyed away and never tell her anytinh and we would stay two strangers who never interacted and who knows where i would be today.. maybe the lonliness and rejection feeeling would have crashed and killed me i was close to there but it all changed beacuse i took a risk
theres people all over the world who are just as lonely as you and you could never tell.. i still cant belive she finds me attractvice but she proved to me over and over again that i have no choice but to belive that im attractive that will the force of your relationsip


I think life has a way of making you meet your person when you are ready for it and all the pain and rejection and everything you had to endure beforehand was just stairs on your way to them and when the time is right and you are ready you will meet them and you will know.
do not lose hope. it can happen every single day and your life will change forever.

i am sending you a lot of strength, light and love.
and appologise for my bad english and messy style even i get a bit flooded remmbering all that.






**
also i would like to add that while isolation was probably the main issue for me now that i found someone i love and accept and she loves and accepts me back with how nice it is it will not fix that feeling of i could and should do more or im a failure at everything or anything
only when you willget it you will understand that while a good relationship will significally improve your headspace it is not that major and you have many other problems that you need to focus on.. for me few months ago a single friend seemed like water while i was dying of thirst in the middle of the desert now that i got it i can see all the other things that are wrong with me and you can work on them with or without the relatinship to be the best version of yourself

Thank you for taking the time to write this and I want to start off by saying I'm glad you found someone who makes you happy and I truly hope it all goes well for you

I'm not going to go into detail but I did also meet someone I thought would be all these things for me and we were together for over 2 years. It ended up in me being treated like shit and lied to for months, instead of working on becoming a better version of myself I was becoming someone I didn't want to be. Ultimately the way I was treated in the relationship is what led me to join sasu in the first place. A bit hard for me to believe I'm not unlovable and whatnot after that. And idk how much I'm willing to try again even if I have met someone "good" because I can't trust they'll still love me after knowing me better

I also go through this a lot, and I understand how terrible it feels. But something important you should be aware of is no one will magically slide into your life as a white knight and undo all of your regrets, and make everything better. No matter how helpful someone may be to you, at the end of the day your life only lies in your hands. You are the one in control, so if you wanna change your circumstances for the better only you can do that. And I know it's far easier said than done. Because I am also in the position of wishing things were different and desperately wanting to turn things around for myself. But no matter how difficult or impossible it feels, you are capable and you can change things for yourself. Of all the possibilities in this world that is one of them, so accept and embrace it. God bless and much love to you.

I feel like my post did end up sounding a lot like I'm focusing on romantic love but I mean generally it's all areas of my life i'm lacking in... Like I've tried so hard to get the education I wanted, make friends, be in good shape or overall be useful and it's just never worked out more than that. I just contribute nothing to the lives of people around me and I've never accomplished anything. I am very unsatisfied with where I'm at in life so I'm overall just defeated

 

[byec560]

Thank you for taking the time to write this and I want to start off by saying I'm glad you found someone who makes you happy and I truly hope it all goes well for you

I'm not going to go into detail but I did also meet someone I thought would be all these things for me and we were together for over 2 years. It ended up in me being treated like shit and lied to for months, instead of working on becoming a better version of myself I was becoming someone I didn't want to be. Ultimately the way I was treated in the relationship is what led me to join sasu in the first place. A bit hard for me to believe I'm not unlovable and whatnot after that. And idk how much I'm willing to try again even if I have met someone "good" because I can't trust they'll still love me after knowing me better

I feel like my post did end up sounding a lot like I'm focusing on romantic love but I mean generally it's all areas of my life i'm lacking in... Like I've tried so hard to get the education I wanted, make friends, be in good shape or overall be useful and it's just never worked out more than that. I just contribute nothing to the lives of people around me and I've never accomplished anything. I am very unsatisfied with where I'm at in life so I'm overall just defeated

I know how you feel. I'm a massive loser and when I was in my last relationship it felt so good to feel that I was special to someone. She left me for someone else and now she is living an idyllic life as part of his "family." Meanwhile I spend a sizeable portion of every day just staring at the ceiling or anxiously opening and closing apps on my phone. I have friends, but if I died it would probably take them months to notice. Had a bit of a breakdown where I sold and gave away a lot of my stuff. I reached out to one of my "friends" who told me he was busy and that he would get back to me. That didn't happen. Nobody is there. I'm not special to anyone. I feel like I can't achieve anything and that even if I did it wouldn't really be worth a damn because it's not like it would lead to any meaningful improvements in my life. Nothing feels good unless I'm a little bit high off my meds. But at least I can get another worthless fucking degree that's not worth the paper it's printed on. :)

 

[Dinorun]

Thank you for taking the time to write this and I want to start off by saying I'm glad you found someone who makes you happy and I truly hope it all goes well for you

I'm not going to go into detail but I did also meet someone I thought would be all these things for me and we were together for over 2 years. It ended up in me being treated like shit and lied to for months, instead of working on becoming a better version of myself I was becoming someone I didn't want to be. Ultimately the way I was treated in the relationship is what led me to join sasu in the first place. A bit hard for me to believe I'm not unlovable and whatnot after that. And idk how much I'm willing to try again even if I have met someone "good" because I can't trust they'll still love me after knowing me better

I feel like my post did end up sounding a lot like I'm focusing on romantic love but I mean generally it's all areas of my life i'm lacking in... Like I've tried so hard to get the education I wanted, make friends, be in good shape or overall be useful and it's just never worked out more than that. I just contribute nothing to the lives of people around me and I've never accomplished anything. I am very unsatisfied with where I'm at in life so I'm overall just defeated

" we were together for over 2 years. It ended up in me being treated like shit and lied to for months, instead of working on becoming a better version of myself I was becoming someone I didn't want to be. Ultimately the way I was treated in the relationship is what led me to join sasu in the first place. A bit hard for me to believe I'm not unlovable and whatnot after that. And idk how much I'm willing to try again even if I have met someone "good" because I can't trust they'll still love me after knowing me better "

re read this but not from your pov but as if your best friend or your brother told you this.
what would you tell them?

when i read it i see the painful story and i see someone who has been hurt and instead of blaming the person who hurt him he took the finger and pointed it at himself
i am sure its hard and borderline imposible to reframe stuff in your mind but i hope to atleast plant a little seed in your mind that one day will hopefully crack
you were hurt and the easiest thing in the world for people like us is to blame ourselfs. if your brother told you that would you tell him yeah she hurt you - you really are unloveable - dont try again you will just get hurt again? no.
you would tell him about how inamaginable his pain is and he should take some time to heal but the fact that he fell on one bad apple does not mean that he shouldnt touch another apple in his life, and when he feels better go in the world with open heart and when he least expects it he will meet someone who was looking just for him.
you cant trust they will love you after knowing you better? i promise you someone will. but with that you have to show that you have a direction that despite the bad parts you have a plan and growing and glowing.

it all starts with how you frame things in your mind

i wish you to feel better, i know it doesnt really help but i care about you.
if you are a girl just reverse the roles i just assume everyone here is a man

 

[TheCavernousDeep.]

Very relatable. I also feel worthless and have many regrets.

 

[4colliez]

" we were together for over 2 years. It ended up in me being treated like shit and lied to for months, instead of working on becoming a better version of myself I was becoming someone I didn't want to be. Ultimately the way I was treated in the relationship is what led me to join sasu in the first place. A bit hard for me to believe I'm not unlovable and whatnot after that. And idk how much I'm willing to try again even if I have met someone "good" because I can't trust they'll still love me after knowing me better "

re read this but not from your pov but as if your best friend or your brother told you this.
what would you tell them?

when i read it i see the painful story and i see someone who has been hurt and instead of blaming the person who hurt him he took the finger and pointed it at himself
i am sure its hard and borderline imposible to reframe stuff in your mind but i hope to atleast plant a little seed in your mind that one day will hopefully crack
you were hurt and the easiest thing in the world for people like us is to blame ourselfs. if your brother told you that would you tell him yeah she hurt you - you really are unloveable - dont try again you will just get hurt again? no.
you would tell him about how inamaginable his pain is and he should take some time to heal but the fact that he fell on one bad apple does not mean that he shouldnt touch another apple in his life, and when he feels better go in the world with open heart and when he least expects it he will meet someone who was looking just for him.
you cant trust they will love you after knowing you better? i promise you someone will. but with that you have to show that you have a direction that despite the bad parts you have a plan and growing and glowing.

it all starts with how you frame things in your mind

i wish you to feel better, i know it doesnt really help but i care about you.
if you are a girl just reverse the roles i just assume everyone here is a man

of course id never think that way if it happened to someone i deeply care about. but i genuinely just cant anymore when it comes to myself. even if i feel better now concerning what happened in my relationship i already have something new to hurt me and i know its nobody's fault but my own. i used to have plans and ambitions but i don't anymore, ive genuinely lost all will to keep fighting for the life i want. the emotional pain i feel has become so intense it's turned fully physical and most days i'm just paralysed by how bad i feel because i'm in genuine pain 24/7

i tried getting help, i tried opening up, i tried to keep going with the plans i had. i'm losing all will for it. and people around me don't care they just think i'm lazy. there's just a few things making me hold on but i'm not taking good care of that either, i just miss having someone in my corner encouraging me through hard times

 

[byec560]

" we were together for over 2 years. It ended up in me being treated like shit and lied to for months, instead of working on becoming a better version of myself I was becoming someone I didn't want to be. Ultimately the way I was treated in the relationship is what led me to join sasu in the first place. A bit hard for me to believe I'm not unlovable and whatnot after that. And idk how much I'm willing to try again even if I have met someone "good" because I can't trust they'll still love me after knowing me better "

re read this but not from your pov but as if your best friend or your brother told you this.
what would you tell them?

when i read it i see the painful story and i see someone who has been hurt and instead of blaming the person who hurt him he took the finger and pointed it at himself
i am sure its hard and borderline imposible to reframe stuff in your mind but i hope to atleast plant a little seed in your mind that one day will hopefully crack
you were hurt and the easiest thing in the world for people like us is to blame ourselfs. if your brother told you that would you tell him yeah she hurt you - you really are unloveable - dont try again you will just get hurt again? no.
you would tell him about how inamaginable his pain is and he should take some time to heal but the fact that he fell on one bad apple does not mean that he shouldnt touch another apple in his life, and when he feels better go in the world with open heart and when he least expects it he will meet someone who was looking just for him.
you cant trust they will love you after knowing you better? i promise you someone will. but with that you have to show that you have a direction that despite the bad parts you have a plan and growing and glowing.

it all starts with how you frame things in your mind

i wish you to feel better, i know it doesnt really help but i care about you.
if you are a girl just reverse the roles i just assume everyone here is a man

I feel like this is a somewhat black and white lens to view the issue with. You can acknowledge that somebody was shitty to you and that you didn't "deserve" the treatment while still recognizing that your behavior wasn't helping matters.

of course id never think that way if it happened to someone i deeply care about. but i genuinely just cant anymore when it comes to myself. even if i feel better now concerning what happened in my relationship i already have something new to hurt me and i know its nobody's fault but my own. i used to have plans and ambitions but i don't anymore, ive genuinely lost all will to keep fighting for the life i want. the emotional pain i feel has become so intense it's turned fully physical and most days i'm just paralysed by how bad i feel because i'm in genuine pain 24/7

i tried getting help, i tried opening up, i tried to keep going with the plans i had. i'm losing all will for it. and people around me don't care they just think i'm lazy. there's just a few things making me hold on but i'm not taking good care of that either, i just miss having someone in my corner encouraging me through hard times

This really is the crux of it. I ask myself why I should study when there's nobody to share what I learned with. Why dress nice or workout when there's nobody to look good for. It's not like people who have good friends or partners are all these sigma male grindsetters who are working on themselves all the time, so why should I expect that the root of my problems is I need to study more or whatever? It's just so exhausting. I know that even if I did find someone, it would all be gone the moment I mess up. What's the point?