Discussion Socially anxious people, awkward ones, “weirdos”, avoidants - how do you survive?

[Atonal]

I am completely incompatible with life.

I've spent years forcing myself into situations that feel psychologically unbearable just to survive. Not that I wanted to, but life dragged me into it, so I had no choice but to go through the hell that was unimaginable for someone who couldn't even leave the house. I don't even want to describe what it cost me.
But still socially and mentally everyday life feels exhausting in a way most people around me probably can't even see.

I recently tried working in restaurant kitchens. I thought maybe I'll be able to manage it after all. Like at least I won't need to communicate with customers. Instead it just confirmed how broken and out of place I am.

The work itself wasn't even the main problem. Constant tension, gossips, passive aggression, shitty people, social hierarchies. People talking shit behind my back about how dumb and useless I am and persuading others to look closely at me and notice everything that seems weird to them. Feeling watched all the time, feeling judged for being quiet or awkward. And then being fired because they persuade the boss to get rid of me.

I felt constantly on edge, like I had to monitor every expression, every word, every movement. Trying to look relaxed while internally feeling trapped and overloaded. And because I'm naturally anxious and withdrawn, people immediately notice something is wrong with me. Then comes the usual bullshit: Be more confident, talk more, relax, be more active, why don't you participate in our gossips or in discussing some generic bullshit.

The truth is I only managed to even search for jobs and attend trial shifts under tons of medication "cocktails". Without it I would have avoided the entire process indefinitely or until I'd become homeless. I just wouldn't even manage to go there. And even medicated I still came across as awkward, detached, uncomfortable and whatever.
Or just dumb and incompetent even in things that are considered common sense.

Meanwhile other people seem built for such life. They socialize naturally, joke around naturally, tolerate chaos naturally. I feel like every hour around people drains me mentally to the point where I just can't take it anymore. Even though I had to go through things that threatened my life and freedom and managed to avoid all of that, go through it and solve insane unbearable problems, but just trying to function in this "normal life" is worse.

It's worse than facing the executioner's noose. Because in that case, at least you know you'll have to go through the horror and then it will all be over.
In this case though, you know you'll have to go through this hell, then you'll go home and at best you'll drift off into a restless anxious sleep if you're lucky and then it will all happen again, and again.

You can be responsible, hardworking, willing to learn and still fail because your nervous system constantly signals discomfort and avoidance to other people.

At this point I honestly don't know where people like me are supposed to exist. Most workplaces feel psychologically hostile if you're quiet, avoidant or socially anxious.

I don't even feel like a person and more like something trying to survive exposure to other humans while pretending to be a human being too.

So I just want to ask:
How do deeply avoidant, socially anxious, chronically withdrawn people survive long-term?

Did any of you actually find environments or ways of living that seem at least more or less bearable to survive for a while?

 

[Truecel2008]

I'm giving up right now

Right now I'm heading to a teachers' office to do my homework and study for my final exams ALONE, at my high school

Because after I insulted that fat philosophy teacher, I told the coordinators I didn't want to go to class anymore and wouldn't set foot in my classroom where my classmates are for anything in the world

So now, I'm in an office doing my homework

And honestly, at this point in my life, I'd rather be alone

I don't have anyone

My relationship with my dad is shit, and with my fat Latina stepmom, it's even worse

I hardly ever see my mom

I haven't seen my grandpa in two years

This Easter I was in my grandma's town, and honestly, ever since then I've decided never to go back there again

I don't have any friends; I've never had a girlfriend or boyfriend

I just think nobody makes me happy anymore, and honestly, I don't feel like getting close to anyone anymore

Not because of my extreme shyness, but simply because I don't see the point in talking to people anymore

Much less some dumb high school kids—everyone there is superficial

 

[gardenoflonely]

i dont lol i give up. this world was not made for me and idgaf enough to keep hurting myself to make others feel better. my brain does not work like a lot of other peoples, something that i know some people can relate to but not everyone can sympathize to. i'm still a person even if i'm not completely understand but im tired of walking on eggshells worried about messing up some social rule and offending someone i never meant to. how is this a way to live? i have worked in food settings like you mentioned and the clique-yness is wild. we're all adults, this isnt highschool. why am i explaining myself to earn basic respect? humans are complex and we are all so very different and the same simultaneously. it's so hard trying to "perform" because it feels like it's only acceptable to be a certain way.

i haven't been feeling like a person either like you said. just something to entertain people and if i crack then im useless

 

[usernameless]

I have AvPD. I'm the same way. I don't have a damn clue how I'm going to survive.

 

[Pluto]

 

[NotSoEnchanted]

I resonate with the entirety of this, so much so I could have written every word myself. I truly think I'm incompatible with modern life, it's been this way since I was a child and only got worse as I aged + gained more responsibilities.

I'm actually sitting in the parking lot of my local dollar general right now, too disregulated to step foot inside without being an avoidant, shakey mess. Like this isn't even a store in the city, it's small and there's only a few cars in the parking lot, yet even then I can barely manage. Everytime I come here I'm always envious of the fact that whoever checks me out can handle a job and navigate the workplace environment that comes with. Like I could never, I would collapse within myself and quit in a week.

I believe the only environment/way of living I would thrive in is one that's completely unattainable to me. That being living in a tiny cabin in the woods on acreage, well away from others, with plenty of animals, and no traditional job.

Unfortunately since this just isn't realistic nor obtainable, I'll be ending my life soon. I simply don't fit in, can't do anything about it, and am tired of living this way.

 

[AnxiousLife]

It's difficult, I don't have any friends, relationships and don't know if will ever have one in the future.

Work is also a lot different than for most people. Even though I had a very nice job in the past, receiving good earnings, colleagues were super nice and job itself was easy, it still wasn't easy for me. I almost always feel like people don't like me. Like what if someone is judging me? What if someone thinks that I'm terrible? What if they know I have anxiety (which hightens my anxiety even more). Also sometimes I can't talk. Like at all, maybe it's selective mutism, as it seems like the best match to what I'm experiencing. So even when I want to talk when feeling anxious, a lot of the times it's just not possible. So after half a year I no longer worked there, as it was just too difficult to be around people, even though the job was perfect.

Combined with depression and ocd, I don't even have motivation to work on most things, so I just stay home as a NEET and spend every day on my phone, which is sad, but I feel like i cannot change my situation, I'm tired of trying, while others (some of course) have things so much easier

 

[usernameless]

This has spawn so much hatred and resentment in me. There's just no way to cope with the fact that everyone around me is beyond me mentally. No amount of "everyone is on their own path" helps.

 

[skiski_what]

I am completely incompatible with life.

I've spent years forcing myself into situations that feel psychologically unbearable just to survive. Not that I wanted to, but life dragged me into it, so I had no choice but to go through the hell that was unimaginable for someone who couldn't even leave the house. I don't even want to describe what it cost me.
But still socially and mentally everyday life feels exhausting in a way most people around me probably can't even see.

I recently tried working in restaurant kitchens. I thought maybe I'll be able to manage it after all. Like at least I won't need to communicate with customers. Instead it just confirmed how broken and out of place I am.

The work itself wasn't even the main problem. Constant tension, gossips, passive aggression, shitty people, social hierarchies. People talking shit behind my back about how dumb and useless I am and persuading others to look closely at me and notice everything that seems weird to them. Feeling watched all the time, feeling judged for being quiet or awkward. And then being fired because they persuade the boss to get rid of me.

I felt constantly on edge, like I had to monitor every expression, every word, every movement. Trying to look relaxed while internally feeling trapped and overloaded. And because I'm naturally anxious and withdrawn, people immediately notice something is wrong with me. Then comes the usual bullshit: Be more confident, talk more, relax, be more active, why don't you participate in our gossips or in discussing some generic bullshit.

The truth is I only managed to even search for jobs and attend trial shifts under tons of medication "cocktails". Without it I would have avoided the entire process indefinitely or until I'd become homeless. I just wouldn't even manage to go there. And even medicated I still came across as awkward, detached, uncomfortable and whatever.
Or just dumb and incompetent even in things that are considered common sense.

Meanwhile other people seem built for such life. They socialize naturally, joke around naturally, tolerate chaos naturally. I feel like every hour around people drains me mentally to the point where I just can't take it anymore. Even though I had to go through things that threatened my life and freedom and managed to avoid all of that, go through it and solve insane unbearable problems, but just trying to function in this "normal life" is worse.

It's worse than facing the executioner's noose. Because in that case, at least you know you'll have to go through the horror and then it will all be over.
In this case though, you know you'll have to go through this hell, then you'll go home and at best you'll drift off into a restless anxious sleep if you're lucky and then it will all happen again, and again.

You can be responsible, hardworking, willing to learn and still fail because your nervous system constantly signals discomfort and avoidance to other people.

At this point I honestly don't know where people like me are supposed to exist. Most workplaces feel psychologically hostile if you're quiet, avoidant or socially anxious.

I don't even feel like a person and more like something trying to survive exposure to other humans while pretending to be a human being too.

So I just want to ask:
How do deeply avoidant, socially anxious, chronically withdrawn people survive long-term?

Did any of you actually find environments or ways of living that seem at least more or less bearable to survive for a while?

For context, I've rarely spoken to both, close and distant family members, and they rarely even see me when I'm living with them. I'm very avoidant now with the exception of my sole relationship, and always have a system in my head for how I should be doing things, it gets frustrating to converse with people because of this. I've cut off nearly all my physical and online friends because of the direction my life was going towards at some point and now, I talk to nearly no one except my girlfriend and some people at work for strictly work related purposes, which is behind a screen, instead of face-to-face. I'm going for my degree in CS (major regrets btw), where I talk to literally no one at my university, in and out operation, bare minimum. This actually helped me explore different opportunities which aren't strictly cs for work. It all feels super stressful now.

Socializing has become one of the more difficult things for me to do, especially with how little I want to. I get frustrated even trying to talk, I'm overly worried about my appearance, and I can't for the life of me figure out how to want to stay around people. To me, most of them suck, it doesn't matter if it's a family member or friend, I just can't bring myself to want to be around them, given prior experiences. It isn't a matter of morals, education, or anything like that. I just can't shake the feeling that if someone wants to talk to me, its because they need something. They never actually wanted to hang out, They never actually wanted to go out. They never actually wanted anything to me, and that even came from some of my closest friends, which I've known for almost a decade, irl and online. That hurt. After that, I've understood, I was never meant for attention.

For career: UX/UI design, photo and video editing, marketing, and I even thought about paralegal work at one point. To me, it was dabbling in stuff like this, and nonsensically applying to anywhere remote for work. I'm not saying it'd be perfect, or that everything has a guaranteed way of working, just sharing my experience on what can work, even if you don't have a degree. I prefer my work online though, if it's not on a computer I'd be miserable. Otherwise, I'd probably have considered late night cleaning or a government job in IT where I just remote in for tickets or something.

I really liked your post. It gave me something to reflect on myself, but also think about it in your terms. I hope I might've been able to offer some help or relief, but regardless, I do hope the best for you. You've got this, even if interacting with others isn't ideal, I'm sure you'll find something, somewhere, which makes you content.

 

[BlueMist96]

I've already given up. I know I'll never be comfortable in social situations, so I just don't put myself in them. I work for my parents, and spend all my free time alone or with family. Every once in a while I'll get lonely enough to go out and try to interact with people, but the moment I do I regret it. The only way I can see myself ever having friends/partners is if they're just as awkward as me and some miracle brings us together.

 

[starboy2k]

I gave up after my last job.
Being to myself. Don't work.
Chopping it up with coworkers and associates. Don't work.
Faking facial expressions just to make someone comfortable. Don't work.

Any conversation I am attempted to be forced to have…….my face will basically be like this

Not faking for social interactions I don't want anymore…..

 

[Forever Sleep]

I've also struggled enormously in both customer facing jobs, care jobs and a couple of middle management positions. Throughout, I've also had periods of working freelance and alone.

That fortunately- is where I've been able to settle the past few years- working at home and alone.

Of course, it means that the thought of having to be around others again has become monumentally bad. I just hope I can survive financially working freelance till I'm able to leave.

It's such a strain though. Not only to have to deal with the job itself- but, to feel so uncomfortable around people.

 

[birdie7]

I have severe social anxiety & OCD, and have an interview at a fast food place next week. My heart has been pounding so hard my headphones shook, even though, intellectually, I don't really care about it. What you said about your nervous system simply not cooperating hit me really hard. It's like my whole body is in physical pain, I can't function, can't think. It's primitive and it possesses you. I'm really sorry you have to live like this. Sometimes I'm baffled that the entire world is made up of under-thinking dumbasses who rely on barbaric social norms to run society. It's hard for the socially aware.

Nevertheless, I'm still going to the interview. I'm not really sure what my strategy is going into this. I'm trying to remind myself that bravery feels like fear, that all I need to do is be kind and imperfect, blah blah blah. But the symptoms win every time. I've sort of accepted I will always be uncomfortable, that I will have to keep dragging this ball and chain and somehow meet everyone else's pace.

I guess… acceptance? Just sitting with the shame and terror. Giving it space in my life so that it doesn't bleed into everything too much. Just knowing that it all comes down to something that is familiar.

 

[maneose]

i can really only talk to my boyfriend at some points.. like i have almost completely stopped talking to my mom face to face because of how she seems to have the ability to turn every conversation into a fight. same goes with my sister i get to uncomfortable and cant really bring anything to say to her when she does talk to me.. and me and my grandma havent been super close so its hard to even walk into the same room cause idk what to do. im 90% sure im going to get fired from my job because of how bad i am with my social anxiety, i get to scared to check in with my boss (not for any exact reason.. and hate talking over the radio) i got scolded at and got demoted from the cashiers to folding around a month ago (i couldn't bring anyone to sign up for the app or the credit card, i barely even said hi to the customers or made eye contact). its nerve wracking to talk to online or irl friends through text, and aside from my best friend, every outing with my other friends always make me anxious and feel out of place. i ended using my room to shut myself in (i used to sit at the kitchen table with my family on the computer) and basically just stay in there all day, unless i need to go to work or class. the only reason i even have the drive to do anything is cause of my boyfriend... if it werent for him i would be barely hanging here.

 

[Atonal]

For context, I've rarely spoken to both, close and distant family members, and they rarely even see me when I'm living with them. I'm very avoidant now with the exception of my sole relationship, and always have a system in my head for how I should be doing things, it gets frustrating to converse with people because of this. I've cut off nearly all my physical and online friends because of the direction my life was going towards at some point and now, I talk to nearly no one except my girlfriend and some people at work for strictly work related purposes, which is behind a screen, instead of face-to-face. I'm going for my degree in CS (major regrets btw), where I talk to literally no one at my university, in and out operation, bare minimum. This actually helped me explore different opportunities which aren't strictly cs for work. It all feels super stressful now.

Socializing has become one of the more difficult things for me to do, especially with how little I want to. I get frustrated even trying to talk, I'm overly worried about my appearance, and I can't for the life of me figure out how to want to stay around people. To me, most of them suck, it doesn't matter if it's a family member or friend, I just can't bring myself to want to be around them, given prior experiences. It isn't a matter of morals, education, or anything like that. I just can't shake the feeling that if someone wants to talk to me, its because they need something. They never actually wanted to hang out, They never actually wanted to go out. They never actually wanted anything to me, and that even came from some of my closest friends, which I've known for almost a decade, irl and online. That hurt. After that, I've understood, I was never meant for attention.

For career: UX/UI design, photo and video editing, marketing, and I even thought about paralegal work at one point. To me, it was dabbling in stuff like this, and nonsensically applying to anywhere remote for work. I'm not saying it'd be perfect, or that everything has a guaranteed way of working, just sharing my experience on what can work, even if you don't have a degree. I prefer my work online though, if it's not on a computer I'd be miserable. Otherwise, I'd probably have considered late night cleaning or a government job in IT where I just remote in for tickets or something.

I really liked your post. It gave me something to reflect on myself, but also think about it in your terms. I hope I might've been able to offer some help or relief, but regardless, I do hope the best for you. You've got this, even if interacting with others isn't ideal, I'm sure you'll find something, somewhere, which makes you content.

Thank you for your reply. I can relate to a lot of this. Back then my parents used to joke and call me a "neighbour" because of how rarely they've seen me leaving my room lol.
The same what you describe happened with my online friends.
I'm sorry you have to go through all of this too.

As for career, unfortunately, I don't have time to develop skills for something like that now, I have to find something fast, so just entry level shitty jobs ahead.
But I'll look into UX/UI design. I need to look what is required to get into it, never thought about that one

I did think about something paralegal too lol. I wander what was it for you. But you don't have to reply, I'm just thinking out loud.
I hope everything works out for you.

I have severe social anxiety & OCD, and have an interview at a fast food place next week. My heart has been pounding so hard my headphones shook, even though, intellectually, I don't really care about it. What you said about your nervous system simply not cooperating hit me really hard. It's like my whole body is in physical pain, I can't function, can't think. It's primitive and it possesses you. I'm really sorry you have to live like this. Sometimes I'm baffled that the entire world is made up of under-thinking dumbasses who rely on barbaric social norms to run society. It's hard for the socially aware.

Nevertheless, I'm still going to the interview. I'm not really sure what my strategy is going into this. I'm trying to remind myself that bravery feels like fear, that all I need to do is be kind and imperfect, blah blah blah. But the symptoms win every time. I've sort of accepted I will always be uncomfortable, that I will have to keep dragging this ball and chain and somehow meet everyone else's pace.

I guess… acceptance? Just sitting with the shame and terror. Giving it space in my life so that it doesn't bleed into everything too much. Just knowing that it all comes down to something that is familiar.

Oh yeah, I know that feeling of waiting and expecting for some intense social interaction like an interview. By now I can't cope with it without meds, because I feel terribly bad both mentally and physically.

I hope you'll manage it and get that job. And that the job itself will be bearable.
Good luck to you.