derpyderpins
A new mentality, closer to the heart
- Sep 19, 2023
- 2,105
So I've been fighting some sort of cold the last few days and I have that "sick" feeling. It went from throat to nose to sinuses and now just somewhat in my head.
My muscles feel lethargic, my mouth keeps getting dry, temperature is weird, my reactions are very slow, can't concentrate (at all, not my normal adhd way).
I'm acutely aware of my body: what every body part is touching in my chair, the cloth on my skin, blood flow, breath, and every little sound.
I feel dissociated - almost out-of-body - like I'm observing myself rather than controlling myself. I've had feelings of dissociation/out-of-body before when I wasn't sick, but being sick makes it prominent.
I've always been fascinated with this feeling. It sucks, I can't stand it, but it's fascinating. It's like in certain ways I'm more alive right now: miserable and suffering but feeling all of it. A loose feeling. Maybe I'm floating, or buoyant in the air.
I was sick a lot growing up. I mean a LOT. Just constant allergies/asthma/sinuses/colds. Maybe that explains it, but I actually feel a little nostalgic about this sick/lethargic feeling. A little part of me likes it. I think I associate it with being in bed. Sick? Don't have to go to school today, just rest. It's wonderful, in a sense. The only way to rest and soothe my ill mind was for my body to get ill.
Of course, those days are gone. I still have to work, and even if I took a day off it would just mean I'd have to work twice as much another day. So, I just grow more tired in every way.
My muscles feel lethargic, my mouth keeps getting dry, temperature is weird, my reactions are very slow, can't concentrate (at all, not my normal adhd way).
I'm acutely aware of my body: what every body part is touching in my chair, the cloth on my skin, blood flow, breath, and every little sound.
I feel dissociated - almost out-of-body - like I'm observing myself rather than controlling myself. I've had feelings of dissociation/out-of-body before when I wasn't sick, but being sick makes it prominent.
I've always been fascinated with this feeling. It sucks, I can't stand it, but it's fascinating. It's like in certain ways I'm more alive right now: miserable and suffering but feeling all of it. A loose feeling. Maybe I'm floating, or buoyant in the air.
I was sick a lot growing up. I mean a LOT. Just constant allergies/asthma/sinuses/colds. Maybe that explains it, but I actually feel a little nostalgic about this sick/lethargic feeling. A little part of me likes it. I think I associate it with being in bed. Sick? Don't have to go to school today, just rest. It's wonderful, in a sense. The only way to rest and soothe my ill mind was for my body to get ill.
Of course, those days are gone. I still have to work, and even if I took a day off it would just mean I'd have to work twice as much another day. So, I just grow more tired in every way.
