Help Should I try to end it before I start my job?

[m3nhera]

I had a rule for myself that if I got a job before the end of the summer I'd HAVE to live, but today many awful things happened and it reminded me that life isn't worth living at all.

And I'm also in a lot of pain, and so then it's like "oh just kill yourself then, so what if you have a job" but like it's FOR REAL LIKE MY FIRST REAL JOB FINALLY.

I'm not going to kill myself once I actually start working, it's inconsiderate to them and also inconvenient. I start in around two weeks. So my only chance to commit suicide is before I get the job, or else I'll really be stuck having to live.

It's just such a time crunch though, but if it's really the best option I could get research and planning done in time.

 

[selfsocio]

I had a rule for myself that if I got a job before the end of the summer I'd HAVE to live, but today many awful things happened and it reminded me that life isn't worth living at all.

And I'm also in a lot of pain, and so then it's like "oh just kill yourself then, so what if you have a job" but like it's FOR REAL LIKE MY FIRST REAL JOB FINALLY.

I'm not going to kill myself once I actually start working, it's inconsiderate to them and also inconvenient. I start in around two weeks. So my only chance to commit suicide is before I get the job, or else I'll really be stuck having to live.

It's just such a time crunch though, but if it's really the best option I could get research and planning done in time.

if its something you consider as a goal in your life, you should work towards it. death is no rush, and you wouldnt want to die missing out on something that could possibly lead you into a better outlook on your life. i wish you well.

 

[LastDayOnEarth]

Maybe at least work this summer and see how u feel

 

[tospoon]

This job could be something that helps change things. There might be happiness. New people, new hope

 

[yume_]

Nobody is going to tell that you should end it ( or at least I hope so ).

I imagine you made that rule because you want to recover right? I think that if this job gives you hope and can help you to recover I think it is an good opportunity to try.

Also, two weeks is too short of a time imo

Sorry for your pain, hope things get better for you

 

[bl33ding_heart]

I don't think anyone would say yes. That would be considered suicide encouragement which isn't allowed here. I think you should just wait things out and see how they go. If they go well then that's great, and if things don't go how you wish for them to the option to ctb is still always there for you. I really hope your life improves for the better.

 

[redmourningdove]

I hope you forget about those awful things, that sounds terrible. I remember my first real job really gave me a sense of community and social importance, even if it frustrated me at first, which was sort of what ultimately convinced me life was worth living for now. With any luck, you'll have the same type of reckoning? I'm wishing the best for you, hopefully you feel much better once you actually start.

 

[m3nhera]

Nobody is going to tell that you should end it ( or at least I hope so ).

I imagine you made that rule because you want to recover right? I think that if this job gives you hope and can help you to recover I think it is an good opportunity to try.

Also, two weeks is too short of a time imo

Sorry for your pain, hope things get better for you

I made that rule because it was my way of keeping myself alive, but it was meant to give a chance for death too. Jobs are never guaranteed, so the rule is there so that if I didn't get one by the end of summer, I was free to ctb. I think a part of me was secretly hoping I'd end up with nothing so I could die in peace. But another part of me wants a job, because money and stuff lol. And maybe a really small part also wanted to live. It doesn't really give me hope. I'm still being abused, and life will suck regardless, and my parents could make me lose my job if they wanted, etc etc. Things won't get better but thanks anyway, everyone in the replies is making me feel like people care instead of how I'm usually treated(like I'm not even a person, that's how my family treats me). I considered calling the doctor but there's a lot of reasons I feel it would just create more problems for me.

I hope you forget about those awful things, that sounds terrible. I remember my first real job really gave me a sense of community and social importance, even if it frustrated me at first, which was sort of what ultimately convinced me life was worth living for now. With any luck, you'll have the same type of reckoning? I'm wishing the best for you, hopefully you feel much better once you actually start.

I'll never forget, I LIVE with "those awful things" haha. But this is inspiring, thank you :). I hope so too.

I don't think anyone would say yes. That would be considered suicide encouragement which isn't allowed here. I think you should just wait things out and see how they go. If they go well then that's great, and if things don't go how you wish for them to the option to ctb is still always there for you. I really hope your life improves for the better.

It's still my choice, I wouldn't do it just because someone says so if people are worried about that. I asked in the sense of like, what's in my best interest? Like what option leads to less suffering? I think even if someone said yes, hopefully it wouldn't be of malicious intent, but rather the reasons I mentioned earlier. Anyways thank you :) you are all so kind. I'm sorry life has pushed us to a suicide forum.

Maybe at least work this summer and see how u feel

But if I feel bad, there's nothing I can do. I can only kill myself before the start date.

if its something you consider as a goal in your life, you should work towards it. death is no rush, and you wouldnt want to die missing out on something that could possibly lead you into a better outlook on your life. i wish you well.

Death is a rush to me. I sometimes want it sooner than later. I wish you well too, and yeah getting a job was one of my goals this year. Getting my license before my 19th birthday is a goal of mine too, so hopefully I get it soon. I feel so late to the party, all my classmates already drive.

 

[wine is fine but]

i would suggest to wait and see how the job and everything else goes

once you have that second date beside your name, you will have all eternity to be dead - whether you like what death is or not

a job can give you purpose, and hope - it can open up a whole new world for you

while you seem keen enough to die in some respects, you also seem a little hesitant. both are normal for people on here, but why rush trying to be dead. you now have something positive to look forward to, so perhaps it is worth pursuing it


you also mentioned that taking your own life after you start would be inconsiderate to them, but so would just not showing up after they have taken the time to offer you a job, and shown faith in you. it is your choice, but now you have accepted the job, dying before you start or afterwards are not very different options at all

 

[Pure Vanilla]

I had a rule for myself that if I got a job before the end of the summer I'd HAVE to live, but today many awful things happened and it reminded me that life isn't worth living at all.

And I'm also in a lot of pain, and so then it's like "oh just kill yourself then, so what if you have a job" but like it's FOR REAL LIKE MY FIRST REAL JOB FINALLY.

I'm not going to kill myself once I actually start working, it's inconsiderate to them and also inconvenient. I start in around two weeks. So my only chance to commit suicide is before I get the job, or else I'll really be stuck having to live.

It's just such a time crunch though, but if it's really the best option I could get research and planning done in time.

I mean you say that but you aren't gonna enforce that whole you HAVE to live rule unless you want to are you? if you want to die then die, if you want to try working try working, its not like a job suddenly means you cannot physically die

 

[SMG08ABUSER]

I would say to at least stick it out for the summer and see how you feel about your new job. I'm on 2nd break at my job right now and it's a job I absolutely HATE. It gives me so much stability though. My employer pays for my college tuition completely on their own dime, without any deductions to my pay whatsoever. I wouldn't be able to have regular therapy sessions without this job either thanks to the great health insurance benefits I have with them.

Whatever you choose, I genuinely wish you well and I hope you're able to find peace with yourself. You seem like a very kind person

 

[m3nhera]

i would suggest to wait and see how the job and everything else goes

once you have that second date beside your name, you will have all eternity to be dead - whether you like what death is or not

a job can give you purpose, and hope - it can open up a whole new world for you

while you seem keen enough to die in some respects, you also seem a little hesitant. both are normal for people on here, but why rush trying to be dead. you now have something positive to look forward to, so perhaps it is worth pursuing it


you also mentioned that taking your own life after you start would be inconsiderate to them, but so would just not showing up after they have taken the time to offer you a job, and shown faith in you. it is your choice, but now you have accepted the job, dying before you start or afterwards are not very different options at all

I understand your perspective. I'm hesitant due to many reasons but also it's human nature unfortunately, and many of us here have battled with it like you said. To me, dying before vs after starting work are different. If I die before, they'd still have enough time to find someone to replace me. TONS of people need jobs, found them on Indeed. I guarantee you others have applied. And maybe it is inconsiderate not showing up after they took the time, but I'm not that concerned about a big corporation haha. They(not that place in specific just any big corp that's hiring) fuck people over and waste their time all the time anyway. So if I die before and they find someone new before the start date, whatever. But if I die AFTER the start date, then there's an empty spot and it'll be much more stressful to find someone new in that case, lack of preparation time, etc etc.

I would say to at least stick it out for the summer and see how you feel about your new job. I'm on 2nd break at my job right now and it's a job I absolutely HATE. It gives me so much stability though. My employer pays for my college tuition completely on their own dime, without any deductions to my pay whatsoever. I wouldn't be able to have regular therapy sessions without this job either thanks to the great health insurance benefits I have with them.

Whatever you choose, I genuinely wish you well and I hope you're able to find peace with yourself. You seem like a very kind person

Thank you :). Where do you work that's paying for college, asking for a friend haha. I wish you well too. Everyone here is so nice to me. Why are people on SaSu usually nicer than "normal" people? Is it because life has pushed us to this point, making people here more understanding and empathetic as a result?? That's my theory. I'd stick it out for the summer, but then I'll have no way out. College starts after summer break. There's no good window for me to kill myself besides before starting the job.

 

[SMG08ABUSER]

I understand your perspective. I'm hesitant due to many reasons but also it's human nature unfortunately, and many of us here have battled with it like you said. To me, dying before vs after starting work are different. If I die before, they'd still have enough time to find someone to replace me. TONS of people need jobs, found them on Indeed. I guarantee you others have applied. And maybe it is inconsiderate not showing up after they took the time, but I'm not that concerned about a big corporation haha. They(not that place in specific just any big corp that's hiring) fuck people over and waste their time all the time anyway. So if I die before and they find someone new before the start date, whatever. But if I die AFTER the start date, then there's an empty spot and it'll be much more stressful to find someone new in that case, lack of preparation time, etc etc.

Thank you :). Where do you work that's paying for college, asking for a friend haha. I wish you well too. Everyone here is so nice to me. Why are people on SaSu usually nicer than "normal" people? Is it because life has pushed us to this point, making people here more understanding and empathetic as a result?? That's my theory. I'd stick it out for the summer, but then I'll have no way out. College starts after summer break. There's no good window for me to kill myself besides before starting the job.

I work full time doing night shifts at an amazon warehouse. Been here for 3 years. I swear I feel like I'm starting to go insane working here for this long, lol. I often talk to myself a LOT on the job since it feels very isolating and the ambience is overwhelmingly noisy with all of the machines running about.

 

[m3nhera]

I mean you say that but you aren't gonna enforce that whole you HAVE to live rule unless you want to are you? if you want to die then die, if you want to try working try working, its not like a job suddenly means you cannot physically die

Yeah but mentally I can't break my own rule because then it means nothing, and any rules or goals I set for myself will mean nothing because "well I said that last time and didn't do it, so nothing I tell myself has actual weight anymore".

Like if I have something important to do and I tell myself I HAVE to get it done, why would I listen if I told myself that if I get a job I HAVE to live, yet started planning my suicide anyway?

And so if my words hold no value, why would I listen to myself? And if I won't listen or trust myself anymore, I won't have the discipline to do anything like(work, school, any other stuff I need to do, working towards goals of mine, etc etc) that would benefit me.

The rule being enforced isn't necessarily about whether I "want" to enforce it, as what I want can become very blurred and confusing. But say someone's like obese, and they need to be healthier, and they set a rule for themselves that they must go to the gym everyday for (whatever reward or reason they have). Imagine they HATE going to the gym. You wouldn't say they enforce that rule because they WANT to go. It's more of a self-discipline thing at times. And also to prove to yourself, if you set your mind on something, you can do it.

I work full time doing night shifts at an amazon warehouse. Been here for 3 years. I swear I feel like I'm starting to go insane working here for this long, lol. I often talk to myself a LOT on the job since it feels very isolating and the ambience is overwhelmingly noisy with all of the machines running about.

I've heard a lot of bad things about Amazon glad they pay for your tuition though!!! Don't give me any ideas if I ever get fired from this job haha

 

[SMG08ABUSER]

I've heard a lot of bad things about Amazon glad they pay for your tuition though!!! Don't give me any ideas if I ever get fired from this job haha

Yeah but mentally I can't break my own rule because then it means nothing, and any rules or goals I set for myself will mean nothing because "well I said that last time and didn't do it, so nothing I tell myself has actual weight anymore".

Like if I have something important to do and I tell myself I HAVE to get it done, why would I listen if I told myself that if I get a job I HAVE to live, yet started planning my suicide anyway?

And so if my words hold no value, why would I listen to myself? And if I won't listen or trust myself anymore, I won't have the discipline to do anything like(work, school, any other stuff I need to do, working towards goals of mine, etc etc) that would benefit me.

The rule being enforced isn't necessarily about whether I "want" to enforce it, as what I want can become very blurred and confusing. But say someone's like obese, and they need to be healthier, and they set a rule for themselves that they must go to the gym everyday for (whatever reward or reason they have). Imagine they HATE going to the gym. You wouldn't say they enforce that rule because they WANT to go. It's more of a self-discipline thing at times. And also to prove to yourself, if you set your mind on something, you can do it.

I've heard a lot of bad things about Amazon glad they pay for your tuition though!!! Don't give me any ideas if I ever get fired from this job haha

No promises, lol. Despite the job being absolutely soul crushing, there is a lot of benefits this place offers for little to no work experience required.

I happened to get lucky this go around with amazon. My first time working there was actually back in 2020, but they let me go as a seasonal employee.

This time around, I was able to get promoted from seasonal to a permanent employee (white badge to blue badge). Long story short, it's a completely random system whether or not you become a blue badge employee, which gives you all of the benefits I mentioned in my other comment.

The system itself is pretty fucked though. Couple weeks ago I literally talked to a guy who was with the company for 2 years and he's still a seasonal employee. The company is literally just dangling the benefits in front of his head atp and it's really fucked up how they're able to do that imo.