Help Should I just give up?

[sohopelessandempty]

I know nobody can tell me what to do and I will make my own choices, I'm not gonna do something just because someone said so. Just looking for advice. Life is so hopeless and I know this, and I've felt this way since I was a kid and that's never changed, it only gets worse. The reason I didn't kill myself years ago is because I told myself things would get better, because that's the bullshit everyone says. But life is unfair and for many people it doesn't get better, it's just something people say because they don't know what else to say. And I know things likely won't get better, at least not for a very long time. So instead of this endless fight to stay alive that exhausts and pains me, should I just accept it and give up? Trying to live brings me nothing but pain, I think I know deep down suicide is the right answer for me but I can't accept it for several reasons and survival instinct. But I'm tired of being in pain. What's the point in trying if it always turns out bad anyway? I can't kill myself anytime soon, I missed my chance during February break(I'm 18, senior year of highschool) and I still have prom this summer and all, I'm not gonna kill myself before graduation, otherwise all my work was for nothing. But I'm asking if I should give up, and what would be a good time. I can't do this for the rest of my life. I've always wanted to die, it's my true desire. Maybe me asking if I should give up is a sign already, like one of those questions where you know the answer but you ask other people anyway, hoping they tell you something that isn't the unfortunate truth that everyone knows deep down. But I want true honesty. I need to know if I should start planning my suicide, rewriting all my notes is gonna be such a pain in the ass and I have to write them because I can't leave without closure, it's not who I am. I got rid of them during one of my stupid moments of false optimism.

 

[ipmanwc0]

I'm still trying to get better, can't really imagine it but maybe my future self will be grateful I went through it. I'll just wait to be sure abt death before I go through with it if I do. R u looking to go to uni? May be possible to get a dorm if you have a scholarship

 

[wishingiwasok]

I felt the same way about life and really hoped it would get better after I turned 18 and moved out and was able to control my own life. My life didn't get better because I repeated some of the same patterns as my childhood (not the obvious ones, but I wish I had known sooner about some of the more subtle ones). So I'll give you the advice I wish someone had given me: figured out not just what you want out of life but also why you want it. If there is any damage in the why, work like hell to fix it. And if you get to your late 20's when the brain is finished developing and you've gone after what you want without secret or not so secret poisonous motivations and you still want to cut, then you know it really is the right answer. I hope though that you find things change a lot for the better and this pain will end up becoming a distant memory.

 

[pelicanportal]

But I want true honesty.

You are 18. You are in a lot of pain and need help. It is way to soon to call things over. Try to get help first. Give it a few years even if it seems excruciating right now. Your brain allegedly needs about seven more years to even be finished developing. You don't have to do this for the rest of your life, but what have you tried so far? We don't know if your depression is circumstantial or treatment-resistant. Please hang in and try other options to treatment first

 

[sohopelessandempty]

I'm still trying to get better, can't really imagine it but maybe my future self will be grateful I went through it. I'll just wait to be sure abt death before I go through with it if I do. R u looking to go to uni? May be possible to get a dorm if you have a scholarship

I'm glad you're trying to get better! And I plan on staying home during college for several reasons, the uni I'm going to is super close and getting a dorm would feel unnecessary and also not the financially smart decision for me. I also feel the same way, that if I commit suicide it could never be impulsive, I must truly be sure. I'm not sure yet. Maybe I want to keep trying, maybe I have hope, maybe it's survival instinct or just a mix of all the reasons I can't just decide to die now. What if we gave recovery a real shot just for a year and see if things still feel the same then?? Just a suggestion though and it's one someone else gave to me once and it's incredibly hard to follow through.

You are 18. You are in a lot of pain and need help. It is way to soon to call things over. Try to get help first. Give it a few years even if it seems excruciating right now. Your brain allegedly needs about seven more years to even be finished developing. You don't have to do this for the rest of your life, but what have you tried so far? We don't know if your depression is circumstantial or treatment-resistant. Please hang in and try other options to treatment first

I've already gotten help but it doesn't fix everything obviously.(therapy, meds,(those helped a bit but not enough) and a million other coping skills that never helped me). Nothing could, because the root of my pain is just consciousness in itself which I somewhat explained in another post, but maybe one day I'll make a post going into more detail. I've felt these depressive feelings since I was 5, I think I was doomed from the start. I don't think I was meant to be happy. I want to know what it's like to live without this pain, but I never will.

So I'll give you the advice I wish someone had given me: figured out not just what you want out of life but also why you want it. If there is any damage in the why, work like hell to fix it. And if you get to your late 20's when the brain is finished developing and you've gone after what you want without secret or not so secret poisonous motivations and you still want to cut, then you know it really is the right answer. I hope though that you find things change a lot for the better and this pain will end up becoming a distant memory.

Thank you for the advice, I think the why is very important like you said and people don't take it into consideration enough. I hope things change for the better for you too, it's not over yet. It's never truly over or truly too late until you're dead.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Without a crystal ball, none of us know what the future could hold. So- it's hard to give an answer. I would say that at that age- things can change significantly in life. It's bound to feel daunting of course but, college/ uni will introduce a bunch of new people and experiences into your life. As would working.

It can kind of go either way afterwards- of course. Initially, I was happy to leave a toxic home environment to go to uni. I suppose it can depend on what you are able to get away from and whether you still have things you feel motivated to achieve.

The current situation that you want to hold on for graduation would seem to suggest that certain things still seem to hold value for you. It's kind of whether you have other things like that in mind. That's not to say it will be easy though.

I suppose the difficulty is, none of us really know whether living will end up being worth it until we try. I'm in my mid forties now. I've had ups and downs all throughout life. I've had ideation from childhood too. I never really shook it entirely but, I certainly had periods in life I felt motivated enough to make it more tolerable.

 

[Mr.Tristesse]

I'll be blunt. At 18 you simply have not lived enough, both qualitatively (what you have experienced) and quantitatively (how long you have lived) to make a reasonable assessment of your future or how the intractability of your suicidal pain. It would be in your interest to continue to try till at least you mid-20s or so when you can reassess. Definitely now is not your time, at least for not for a few years.

 

[sohopelessandempty]

I'll be blunt. At 18 you simply have not lived enough, both qualitatively (what you have experienced) and quantitatively (how long you have lived) to make a reasonable assessment of your future or how the intractability of your suicidal pain. It would be in your interest to continue to try till at least you mid-20s or so when you can reassess. Definitely now is not your time, at least for not for a few years.

But it's so excruciating I'm tired of suffering I want to be gone sooner

 

[TrulyNeverCertain]

You're in your senior year of HS, and as others have mentioned still have much to and experience, especially once you can be more in charge of your own life.

If you can make it financially work, I encourage you to to try making your own circumstances, as live becomes much more tolerable that way.
That could mean trying the dorms for a year, making good friends, therapy in earnest, trying to find the right meds for you, and so many possibilities.
But taking it one day at a time, and with support and and good friends, life is a far more manageable after you can make your own circumstances.
It's not always easy, but once you figure things out, life can be far better and even great once figured out!

I urge you to fight as much as you can to find and make better circumstances for yourself, then reassess only after you've had a few years of trying life on your terms.

 

[sohopelessandempty]

You're in your senior year of HS, and as others have mentioned still have much to and experience, especially once you can be more in charge of your own life.

If you can make it financially work, I encourage you to to try making your own circumstances, as live becomes much more tolerable that way.
That could mean trying the dorms for a year, making good friends, therapy in earnest, trying to find the right meds for you, and so many possibilities.
But taking it one day at a time, and with support and and good friends, life is a far more manageable after you can make your own circumstances.
It's not always easy, but once you figure things out, life can be far better and even great once figured out!

I urge you to fight as much as you can to find and make better circumstances for yourself, then reassess only after you've had a few years of trying life on your terms.

I want to at least try to enjoy life on my own terms for a bit before deciding whether I should ctb, but I can't. I don't have enough money right now, I haven't been able to find a job, I just feel so trapped and every day I feel is a ticking time
bomb until I hang myself.