nikdiedtoday
Member
- Sep 26, 2022
- 15
anyone else feel like any spark of good makes tomorrow even harder. ik it sounds ungreatful but its like i only have a good day as a set up for tomorrow. being mentally fucked sucks like i can't fully enjoy the decent parts cuz shit is always looming. no matter how good the first second i know the next ill be planning to ctb. my situation makes it hard asf tho. i think ill lean on this place for a while till its too too bad. i keep almost crashing out and fucking up my job ,sobriety and everything that's good or decent and then i remember my situation yk. its like i'm holding everything ever together while at the same time having zero control over my life. for a long time when i was young i survived by the idea i always had a way out my body was mine and i'd go,abuse,use,kill, care for it how i wanted. the one thing no one can take away yk. then i grew up got some sort of ''real'' life going and its all gone away. most would say its all for the better and fuck maybe they're right. i feel ill die never knowing though. work tomorrow and i have a call out warning meaning i'm even more fucked if i call out this week or anytime soon. maybe this will push me to lock back into my life instead of pretending nothing matters cuz ill be ctb soon anyway. when it does matter everything and nothing matters. my scope of reality is slipping away from me and i can't tell whats what and part of me thinks ''ctb before its too bad because if you don't everyone will definitely be worse off then'' i'm burnt out in every way with no choice but to keep going. anyway. i think i've got a method ill get the materials soon and will update and i guess ill know when the time is right. i thought it'd be this weekend or next. when i was younger i had this ''paranoid'' thought that life was a game of getting me as close to death as possible without getting all the way there like the ultimate torture you know. strongest will to die strongest will and reasons to live and only being able to see through it all long enough to make you go another day. tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow there's always tomorrow. it was the main reason for my ctb thoughts back then (i was young and that was deep lol) i guess it all came full circle. everything does nowadays.
