Post-trip depression

[woofwag]

I got back from my trip to my hometown and am already so sad :( not like I was doing super amazing there, either. But at least I could see my beloved… I only got to see them twice in over 2 weeks ugh. I never feel like I can get enough time with them. I really only went for Christmas and to see them. And now I have and I'm back and… I guess I die now? This sucks.

It feels really weird and depressing to be here now that I know it's my last stop before I ctb. But seeing them confused me too, and they made me want to live a bit longer because I love them so much, and I'm so disoriented and scared of dying but even more scared of living. I know somehow I'll manage to drag out my death. I wanted to be gone in December. And now it'll probably be another month before I can die because I still have a lot of things I need to prepare first and I had to extend my trip to see them one last time and I'm so fucking overwhelmed.

I've been stuck in bed rotting the whole day. I hate this paralysis. I hate that I was ever born. The resources I use just to stay alive could have been put to so much better use. Because in the end I'll just disappoint and betray everyone by killing myself. Or, I'll stay as complacent and avoidant as I am now and slowly push everyone away so that I decay silently into obscurity. I hate myself so goddamn much