Venting New here

[Arctic-hare]

Hello. After much mental debate I decided to make my first post.

I am Arctic-Hare. I have had SI for a long time, most of my life and have 2 attempts under my belt plus some attempts of trying to strangle myself as a child. I recently lost my benefits and while there are people trying to keep me alive I just feel like ctb and be done with this life. I feel like I have tried for so long already (I am 31) and just want to sleep.

I have no interest in my social life, don't have people to talk to about this who understand what it feels like to want to die. I wish I could start over, do things differently. I spent my early life trying to suppress being trans and it just blew up when I accepted who I was and it sent me into a spiral and now I am happy with myself but just as I am supposed to be having my life start I feel as if it is pointless now. Why bother trying to salvage what is left?

This site is my last hope, I initially found it from an article while trying to find info on how to ctb. After reading a lot of things, I am now deterred from trying to use non methods that I would have tried before. I just wish I understood how this site worked, I understand why things are not so easy to navigate.

 

[Abyss Dweller]

Hey,
I'm just 2 years older and I know it feels like we've been on this planet for a long time but truth be told we are still young, we still have a lot ahead of us.
But even if we were 80 years old it's not a bad idea to live regardless of your age like you have 100 year left. :)

 

[darksouls]

hello Arctic-hare, you are welcome

 

[Notlikeforte]

welcome to the site Arctic-hare

 

[Kamaainakupua]

Welcome! The Rules and F.A.Q. are here, this is a great overview for new members, which has more links and suggestions. They are very clear about this:

Before reading further...

You MUST read the rules and FAQ, linked in your welcome PM, or above in the navigation bar. You will be banned without hesitation if you break the rules!

but my experience is that they warn you first. Also, the forum has privilege levels based on a rank system that is both post count, as well as time elapsed from registration. You currently are a "New Member", so certain things may not be available (search, private chat/messages, etc.) After you post more, these privileges will open up automatically, so the site will continue to "unfold" as you participate.
Some members will post content that you cannot see until you react (emoji), reply, or hit a certain rank.
Sometimes your post will be 'held' for review, usually due to using certain words in your post. One of mine was held up because I was telling a story of when I was young and the word that decribes young people that starts with a u flagged my post (please don't test out by using the word in a post, lol! The mods are overworked as it is). A moderator explained it to me when I asked if red-light district was the taboo word (it wasn't), and by then it had been approved after someone reviewed it.

Ok, enough of the welcome wagon crap.

I have no interest in my social life, don't have people to talk to about this who understand what it feels like to want to die. I wish I could start over, do things differently.

You are in the perfect place to find people who understand, and start over from where you are now. Tabula rasa, clean slate, different path = different results. Write a new story for yourself. We are here for you.
Best wishes to you in your time with us, and I hope you find some peace here at SaSu.

 

[Arctic-hare]

Thank you very much! I had read some things before but there was also some new things I had missed, so I really appriciate the info and welcoming words from everyone <3

 

[charlavail]

I'm also 31, and it feels like it's just a never hamster wheel of pain. It feels odd being this "old" and still living with these issues.