Need some encouragement/advice

[wantingdignity]

I'm really, really heartbroken after my partner of 8 years broke up with me. I told him I was suicidal, and he decided that it was too much for him to handle my "depressive episodes." I haven't been suicidal in nearly a decade, but he is newly in his own recovery. I stuck with him at his absolute worst, but apparently he does not have the capacity to love me when I want to die. My suicidality now comes after an accident which instantly killed 4 of my coworkers and a lot of other people. I feel so incredibly hurt that my anxious thoughts of not being loved by him were true. I told him that I was only staying alive because I didn't want to hurt him, my friends, or my family. I also told him that he was not responsible for me and that I would get help (which I did). He still gave up on me.

I feel betrayed and like an idiot. I stuck with him during his eating disorder that was severely affecting his health. I stuck with him through unemployment. I stuck with him when his dad died. I stuck with him when he punched a wall after we had an argument. I stuck with him when he stealthed me (non consensual condom removal). I was and am incredibly loyal and never gave up on him. When my life was in the balance, he gave up on me.

How the fuck do I go forward? I've almost jumped multiple times. I've gone inpatient and am in outpatient now. After weeks, I'm finally starting to do a little better in not wanting to actively die all day every day, even though the desire is still highly present.

What do I do about still wanting him? How do I get over this kind of betrayal? How do I grieve yet another loss when I'm still stuck on the losses that made me suicidal in the first place? How do I get closure?

My whole body craves him. I know it's fucked up. I'm so worried that he's moving on. I'm worried that casting me aside was the "right thing" for his life even if it fucked up mine and got me to the point of crossing from self harming behavior to being an active suicide risk.

 

[catastrophix]

I'm so sorry you've suffered so much loss and hardship recently. I can relate to a lot of what you've been through, and I know it's really hard to pick yourself back up after such a devastating blow. However, I think you can get back up and back on track with some time. It won't be easy, but it takes resilience to be able to get through everything you have already, so try to be kind to yourself and recognize that strength :]

In terms of closure, something that's helped me is writing about it— Whether it be a letter to the people you lost (you don't have to send it, of course) or just general thoughts/feelings you may have that come to mind.

I really hope that you will have better days ahead, but it's still okay to grieve those relationships and feel any conflicting feelings you have. And if you ever need to talk/vent, feel free to send me a DM

 

[waitin2go]

Spoiler: This provides zero comfort, and in fact may add to the despair; apologies to mods and please lmk to delete it: kind of a vent in itself, proceed if emotionally ready (or want to throw hands)

Unfortunately this isn't an isolated incident - many reports from hospice and anecdotally (I've also come across stats but don't have the mental/emotional capacity to look it up now) - in traditionally hetero relationships, this seems to be a norm - womenfolk sticking it out for their men whilst the men abandon the women. Idk if you are in a hetero ship or not, but yeah. Also the obligatory "not everyone goes through this" and "women can be shit partners too" but the scales are tipped over for sure

I'm worried that casting me aside was the "right thing" for his life even if it fucked up mine

I hope for you that very soon it would be clear to you that it's the other way around (that it will end up being the right thing for you); but if not, I hope you find the reprieve you're looking for, whether its CTB or a life You can enjoy...

Hugs

 

[Hvergelmir]

Unfortunately this isn't an isolated incident...

Definitely not, though I've anecdotally seen the opposite demographic. I try to not think too much in terms of genders - it's not like we can choose to go gay, anyway.
I do believe that there's a strong pattern with mental illness though, where relations established with mental illness involved, also rely on mental illness to be maintained.
People change a lot with recovery, and so does their relations.

What do I do about still wanting him? How do I get over this kind of betrayal? How do I grieve yet another loss when I'm still stuck on the losses that made me suicidal in the first place? How do I get closure?

You don't. Not actively. The fact that it hurts is just proof that it had value.
Try to not obsess over it. Your time is better spent on other things. It's going to be a tough time, but you can find valuable relations again. There are no shortcuts, but you can make sure to move in the right direction. Intensity tend to fade with time.