My last attempt at a friend

[lonergirl_26]

I'm lonely and would like a friend who is in the same position as I am.

I'm 20F and from England. I have a boyfriend who is with me through my ups and downs but doesn't support my final ending. I have a 'shit tonne' of guinea pigs and my dog is my best friend.
I like history, writing, reading and playing games.

I'm shy until I get to know someone and am awful at small talk. I need a connection and deep conversations with someone to feel real with them.
I'm not pro suicide but I'm also not a hypocrite. I don't want to say anything I don't want to hear.

I'm not officially diagnosed with anything but was prescribed medication for depression. Which I have since stopped taking. I'm also waiting for an autism assessment. I've suffered with mental health issues since I was a young child. I suffer with self harm and a restrict and binge cycle. I occasionally drink and do drugs. Mainly uppers on the weekend and Xanax the weeks.
I'm in a weird place right now stuck between trying to get better then doing it or getting worse and doing it. Regardless my ending will be by my own hands.
Last year I talked to a guy on here and we became very close. He was the best friend I ever had mainly because we were in the same place.
I would like to feel that type of connection again.

 

[ztoi]

real

 

[ilovemydog]

I'm also awful at small talk

 

[Dejected 55]

Finding people, at any age, who sincerely want true/deep connections and meaningful conversations... that's damn near impossible from my experience. If you can survive on surface-level interactions, like most people seem to do, you can go far... but when you truly need that deeper level of connection with someone... you're going to be disappointed most of the time.