Venting My dad passed away.

[Lullaby]

Please don't feel like you need to respond if you don't want to. I guess I'm just venting because my journal isn't enough and anyone reaching out to me is apologizing or talking about funeral arrangements, etc. I just keep screaming into the void and venting wherever I can.

I don't post on here as often as I used to, but SS will always be a safe space for me.

My dad was found dead yesterday and I've just been spiraling. I can't believe this is happening, especially before Father's Day. It's like a nightmare that doesn't feel real but it is.

I spoke to him two weeks ago, and tried checking in on him Wednesday but his phone was off. Then again on Thursday, and finally yesterday. I was debating on going up there myself (thank god I didn't) and I reached out to some people. An hour later, I got a call from an officer saying he was dead in his apartment. His dog was thankfully alive and okay, so I'm not sure how long he was like this.

I couldn't even take in his Husky because of my cat and mom, so he's currently at the humane society recovering.

My dad was my best friend. Literally the only one I could talk to without judgment. The first person I'd call when something good or bad happened, or when I just wanted to ramble. He'd never judge me, and he would ALWAYS tell me he loved me. That's something I rarely hear from my family and the fact that I won't hear his voice again just kills me.

This is the worse pain I've ever felt. One minute I'm totally sobbing on the floor, the next I'm blank and numb. I took sleeping pills last night to help but that phone call just kept playing in my head repeatedly and I couldn't sleep.

I love being awake at night, but it just felt horrible for the first time ever. It reminded me that I'm so alone. Every time my mom or stepdad leaves the house, my anxiety increases.

My family wants me to go to his apartment on Monday or Tuesday to pack up and said they would help, but I can't even look at his pictures without breaking down. I don't think I could handle even being there.

I had to even delete my Amazon account because I sent him a gift for Father's Day and they left it at his door about two hours before the police showed up. When I look at my orders, it would be right there along with a picture they took.

On top of that, my half-sister from out of state apparently got in touch with a separate funeral home from the one that was referred to us by the officer, and they picked up his body last night.

I didn't know until 20 minutes ago that it was a different one, so I have no idea where his body is currently and have to call around the city.

To think that I would have to go through this again when my mom and cat eventually pass…I wanna die so bad. I always told myself when he was gone, I'd be done…but I also just don't want to hurt or disappoint anyone. Especially my dad if he's watching.

I haven't ate anything since Wednesday night, I'm exhausted from all the calls and messages, I'm drained. He won't be here for my birthday next month, or all the things we had planned for this summer. I hate this.

I love you so much, dad. I miss you.

 

[chudcell]

Please don't feel like you need to respond if you don't want to. I guess I'm just venting because my journal isn't enough and anyone reaching out to me is apologizing or talking about funeral arrangements, etc. I just keep screaming into the void and venting wherever I can.

I don't post on here as often as I used to, but SS will always be a safe space for me.

My dad was found dead yesterday and I've just been spiraling. I can't believe this is happening, especially before Father's Day. It's like a nightmare that doesn't feel real but it is.

I spoke to him two weeks ago, and tried checking in on him Wednesday but his phone was off. Then again on Thursday, and finally yesterday. I was debating on going up there myself (thank god I didn't) and I reached out to some people. An hour later, I got a call from an officer saying he was dead in his apartment. His dog was thankfully alive and okay, so I'm not sure how long he was like this.

I couldn't even take in his Husky because of my cat and mom, so he's currently at the humane society recovering.

My dad was my best friend. Literally the only one I could talk to without judgment. The first person I'd call when something good or bad happened, or when I just wanted to ramble. He'd never judge me, and he would ALWAYS tell me he loved me. That's something I rarely hear from my family and the fact that I won't hear his voice again just kills me.

This is the worse pain I've ever felt. One minute I'm totally sobbing on the floor, the next I'm blank and numb. I took sleeping pills last night to help but that phone call just kept playing in my head repeatedly and I couldn't sleep.

I love being awake at night, but it just felt horrible for the first time ever. It reminded me that I'm so alone. Every time my mom or stepdad leaves the house, my anxiety increases.

My family wants me to go to his apartment on Monday or Tuesday to pack up and said they would help, but I can't even look at his pictures without breaking down. I don't think I could handle even being there.

I had to even delete my Amazon account because I sent him a gift for Father's Day and they left it at his door about two hours before the police showed up. When I look at my orders, it would be right there along with a picture they took.

On top of that, my half-sister from out of state apparently got in touch with a separate funeral home from the one that was referred to us by the officer, and they picked up his body last night.

I didn't know until 20 minutes ago that it was a different one, so I have no idea where his body is currently and have to call around the city.

To think that I would have to go through this again when my mom and cat eventually pass…I wanna die so bad. I always told myself when he was gone, I'd be done…but I also just don't want to hurt or disappoint anyone. Especially my dad if he's watching.

I haven't ate anything since Wednesday night, I'm exhausted from all the calls and messages, I'm drained. He won't be here for my birthday next month, or all the things we had planned for this summer. I hate this.

I love you so much, dad. I miss you.

I lost my grandfather recently, it broke me because I was so close to him. Genuinely if you need to talk my dms are open. Hope you feel better soon grief is a process

 

[Sunset Limited]

I'm so sorry for your loss and I understand you so well. I lost my mother two months ago. Everything I see in this city reminds me of her. I can't believe it, I don't want to believe it, I can't accept it. My mother's last four months were a nightmare. She died of tuberculosis, like her father. I watched the person I loved most slowly die over four months. I would rather never have been born than have lived through this; I'm truly angry. Damn the cosmic coincidences that brought all this about. Now the world feels empty to me. This is a bullshit.

 

[CatLvr]

You know, I went no contact with my entire family nearly 40 years ago now, and the way they treated me made it difficult for me to feel sadness, but damn my heart hurts for you. I will light a candle for you and your dad -- and his puppy dog -- this evening when I get ready for bed.

I dunno what, if any, beliefs you have regarding what comes after this life but I feel that he is in a better place. I would sincerely hope that that thought gives you a little comfort.

All that said, I lost a grandson many, many years ago. And I can tell you from that loss that the pain will never leave you. It will change but don't by the bullshit that it gets better. It doesn't get better -- it gets different. It gets bearable most days. But this heartbreak is the price we pay for the ability to love this much. And it is worth it.

Again, I am sorry for your loss. I will keep you in my thoughts.

 

[fadedghost]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

[MrNobody88]

I'm sorry about your Dad Lullaby. Your love for your father was great therefor your pain will feel unbearable. It's going to feel like a rollercoaster through hell but the pain does fade after awhile, its just going to take time. I went through the same thing with my mom and the grief was so intense that the first week or so I could barely function. I wish you Godspeed Lullaby and hope you make it through the tragedy.

 

[toocraptoolong]

I'm so sorry you have lost your dad. Grief is so very hard and there's not really anything that can make it easier on your heart or mind.
Try to look after your body a bit to help get you through this. A lot of sleep and water and some comfort food will help - crying is exhausting.
Unfortunately grief can last a long time. I think I cried every day for a year when my mum died. The tears become the love that just won't stop.
Sending you hugs and strength for the long road ahead

 

[BradGuy123]

I lost my father several years ago. I know what you're going through. I'm very sorry for your loss.

 

[TrueMelancholia]

Please don't feel like you need to respond if you don't want to. I guess I'm just venting because my journal isn't enough and anyone reaching out to me is apologizing or talking about funeral arrangements, etc. I just keep screaming into the void and venting wherever I can.

I don't post on here as often as I used to, but SS will always be a safe space for me.

My dad was found dead yesterday and I've just been spiraling. I can't believe this is happening, especially before Father's Day. It's like a nightmare that doesn't feel real but it is.

I spoke to him two weeks ago, and tried checking in on him Wednesday but his phone was off. Then again on Thursday, and finally yesterday. I was debating on going up there myself (thank god I didn't) and I reached out to some people. An hour later, I got a call from an officer saying he was dead in his apartment. His dog was thankfully alive and okay, so I'm not sure how long he was like this.

I couldn't even take in his Husky because of my cat and mom, so he's currently at the humane society recovering.

My dad was my best friend. Literally the only one I could talk to without judgment. The first person I'd call when something good or bad happened, or when I just wanted to ramble. He'd never judge me, and he would ALWAYS tell me he loved me. That's something I rarely hear from my family and the fact that I won't hear his voice again just kills me.

This is the worse pain I've ever felt. One minute I'm totally sobbing on the floor, the next I'm blank and numb. I took sleeping pills last night to help but that phone call just kept playing in my head repeatedly and I couldn't sleep.

I love being awake at night, but it just felt horrible for the first time ever. It reminded me that I'm so alone. Every time my mom or stepdad leaves the house, my anxiety increases.

My family wants me to go to his apartment on Monday or Tuesday to pack up and said they would help, but I can't even look at his pictures without breaking down. I don't think I could handle even being there.

I had to even delete my Amazon account because I sent him a gift for Father's Day and they left it at his door about two hours before the police showed up. When I look at my orders, it would be right there along with a picture they took.

On top of that, my half-sister from out of state apparently got in touch with a separate funeral home from the one that was referred to us by the officer, and they picked up his body last night.

I didn't know until 20 minutes ago that it was a different one, so I have no idea where his body is currently and have to call around the city.

To think that I would have to go through this again when my mom and cat eventually pass…I wanna die so bad. I always told myself when he was gone, I'd be done…but I also just don't want to hurt or disappoint anyone. Especially my dad if he's watching.

I haven't ate anything since Wednesday night, I'm exhausted from all the calls and messages, I'm drained. He won't be here for my birthday next month, or all the things we had planned for this summer. I hate this.

I love you so much, dad. I miss you.

I would like to respond even if it won't comfort you much. Your pain and grief are so obvious that I actually care about how you are doing, even though we are strangers on a forum on the internet. And all the awful tasks that need to be done after a loved one's death shouldn't settle so heavily on one person, I can't imagine. My aunt took care of all that so I and my siblings wouldn't have to when my parents died. I'll probably be concerned about you after I sign out, and after I go to sleep, and tomorrow. There are people who care. I have had to learn empathy and compassion, and to be quite honest, the suffering of others hits me hard. I hope you will find peace. I lost both my parents in 1990. I still think about them often, but the pain lessens as time goes on. Thoughts of them occur less often. But the grief, it changes intensity, but it's always there. My 32 year old son died suddenly last June. It's so nightmarish, and I struggle, but with time, it too will get easier, unless I hopefully, god-willing, die soon. I hope you will be on the healing path soon.

 

[Lullaby]

Wow, thank you so much guys. Sorry for responding so late, I've been trying to decompress offline and away from my phone.

I really appreciate the responses, they mean a lot right now, and I'm so sorry if anyone else has been through this. It's really devastating.

I lost my grandfather recently, it broke me because I was so close to him. Genuinely if you need to talk my dms are open. Hope you feel better soon grief is a process

I'm really sorry! I joined a grief recovery community online this weekend, and I've seen a lot of other members mentioning recent losses as well. It kinda brings some comfort knowing you're not alone. Same goes for you if you need an ear! I'm here <3

I'm so sorry for your loss and I understand you so well. I lost my mother two months ago. Everything I see in this city reminds me of her. I can't believe it, I don't want to believe it, I can't accept it. My mother's last four months were a nightmare. She died of tuberculosis, like her father. I watched the person I loved most slowly die over four months. I would rather never have been born than have lived through this; I'm truly angry. Damn the cosmic coincidences that brought all this about. Now the world feels empty to me. This is a bullshit.

This is horrible, I'm really sorry. I can't imagine how hard it was to have it play out like that, but I completely get what you're saying about the effects.

I've been through a lot in my life so far, but this is definitely the worst pain I've ever experienced. I can't look at his pictures at all, and I told my family I won't be able to go with them to pack his apartment up because it's too much for me.

His favorite basketball team won the championships on Saturday and all I could hear was everyone outside celebrating. I completely broke down again because I know he wanted to see this happen so bad, and it felt like a weird cruel joke.

I just don't understand the world or why it works like this. If you ever need to talk to me or vent, you can always send me a message because I 100% get what you're going through

You know, I went no contact with my entire family nearly 40 years ago now, and the way they treated me made it difficult for me to feel sadness, but damn my heart hurts for you. I will light a candle for you and your dad -- and his puppy dog -- this evening when I get ready for bed.

I dunno what, if any, beliefs you have regarding what comes after this life but I feel that he is in a better place. I would sincerely hope that that thought gives you a little comfort.

All that said, I lost a grandson many, many years ago. And I can tell you from that loss that the pain will never leave you. It will change but don't by the bullshit that it gets better. It doesn't get better -- it gets different. It gets bearable most days. But this heartbreak is the price we pay for the ability to love this much. And it is worth it.

Again, I am sorry for your loss. I will keep you in my thoughts.

Thank you so much, this means a lot! I've always struggled with faith, but weirdly starting contemplating it more a couple of months ago, ironically after I had a nightmare about this happening.

It feels stupid, but I started praying a lot this weekend. He would always ask to get me to at least try it out, and I never did, so it's made me feel a little closer to him. I'm really just choosing to believe there has to be more than this and he's finally just at peace. He never got to meet his mother, and he always talked about wanting to.

One of his last posts on Facebook was a selfie of him and the only picture he had of her. I'm really hoping they're together now and he's happy.

I had someone tell me all the pain I'm struggling with also has to do with the love I had for him, and I guess it's better than not having done it at all.

Thank you so much again.

I'm so sorry you have lost your dad. Grief is so very hard and there's not really anything that can make it easier on your heart or mind.
Try to look after your body a bit to help get you through this. A lot of sleep and water and some comfort food will help - crying is exhausting.
Unfortunately grief can last a long time. I think I cried every day for a year when my mum died. The tears become the love that just won't stop.
Sending you hugs and strength for the long road ahead

Thank you! And I'm trying to remind myself! Today was the first day I've had any food since maybe Wednesday afternoon. I've been absolutely drained and you're right, the crying is just constant with some small intervals of numbness.

I'm trying to force myself to take advantage of those small breaks to watch or read something that'll make me feel better.

I would like to respond even if it won't comfort you much. Your pain and grief are so obvious that I actually care about how you are doing, even though we are strangers on a forum on the internet. And all the awful tasks that need to be done after a loved one's death shouldn't settle so heavily on one person, I can't imagine. My aunt took care of all that so I and my siblings wouldn't have to when my parents died. I'll probably be concerned about you after I sign out, and after I go to sleep, and tomorrow. There are people who care. I have had to learn empathy and compassion, and to be quite honest, the suffering of others hits me hard. I hope you will find peace. I lost both my parents in 1990. I still think about them often, but the pain lessens as time goes on. Thoughts of them occur less often. But the grief, it changes intensity, but it's always there. My 32 year old son died suddenly last June. It's so nightmarish, and I struggle, but with time, it too will get easier, unless I hopefully, god-willing, die soon. I hope you will be on the healing path soon.

I'm so sorry to hear about your son! That's a different type of pain I can't imagine, but if you're able to sit here and write this to me, then I have to take that as some hope maybe I can eventually crawl out of this hole.

My mom, uncles and aunts have thankfully taken over most of everything, and I just asked my mom to bring back one of his hats and a jacket for me when they go to his place to pack tomorrow. I can't really handle seeing all the stupid gifts I've given him over the years, his smell, the pictures, etc.

I'm scared I'll totally fall apart when I get his ashes, but I'm trying to just focus on putting one foot in front of the other.

I'm also terrified this has completely changed my life for the worse, and I feel so much guilt thinking if I had found him sooner somehow, if I could've changed things.

But yours and everyone else's words have really brought me some comfort, and I appreciate that so much as I didn't think it was possible for me to feel anything good at the moment. Thank you so much