Venting My dad passed away.

[Lullaby]

Please don't feel like you need to respond if you don't want to. I guess I'm just venting because my journal isn't enough and anyone reaching out to me is apologizing or talking about funeral arrangements, etc. I just keep screaming into the void and venting wherever I can.

I don't post on here as often as I used to, but SS will always be a safe space for me.

My dad was found dead yesterday and I've just been spiraling. I can't believe this is happening, especially before Father's Day. It's like a nightmare that doesn't feel real but it is.

I spoke to him two weeks ago, and tried checking in on him Wednesday but his phone was off. Then again on Thursday, and finally yesterday. I was debating on going up there myself (thank god I didn't) and I reached out to some people. An hour later, I got a call from an officer saying he was dead in his apartment. His dog was thankfully alive and okay, so I'm not sure how long he was like this.

I couldn't even take in his Husky because of my cat and mom, so he's currently at the humane society recovering.

My dad was my best friend. Literally the only one I could talk to without judgment. The first person I'd call when something good or bad happened, or when I just wanted to ramble. He'd never judge me, and he would ALWAYS tell me he loved me. That's something I rarely hear from my family and the fact that I won't hear his voice again just kills me.

This is the worse pain I've ever felt. One minute I'm totally sobbing on the floor, the next I'm blank and numb. I took sleeping pills last night to help but that phone call just kept playing in my head repeatedly and I couldn't sleep.

I love being awake at night, but it just felt horrible for the first time ever. It reminded me that I'm so alone. Every time my mom or stepdad leaves the house, my anxiety increases.

My family wants me to go to his apartment on Monday or Tuesday to pack up and said they would help, but I can't even look at his pictures without breaking down. I don't think I could handle even being there.

I had to even delete my Amazon account because I sent him a gift for Father's Day and they left it at his door about two hours before the police showed up. When I look at my orders, it would be right there along with a picture they took.

On top of that, my half-sister from out of state apparently got in touch with a separate funeral home from the one that was referred to us by the officer, and they picked up his body last night.

I didn't know until 20 minutes ago that it was a different one, so I have no idea where his body is currently and have to call around the city.

To think that I would have to go through this again when my mom and cat eventually pass…I wanna die so bad. I always told myself when he was gone, I'd be done…but I also just don't want to hurt or disappoint anyone. Especially my dad if he's watching.

I haven't ate anything since Wednesday night, I'm exhausted from all the calls and messages, I'm drained. He won't be here for my birthday next month, or all the things we had planned for this summer. I hate this.

I love you so much, dad. I miss you.

 

[chudcell]

Please don't feel like you need to respond if you don't want to. I guess I'm just venting because my journal isn't enough and anyone reaching out to me is apologizing or talking about funeral arrangements, etc. I just keep screaming into the void and venting wherever I can.

I don't post on here as often as I used to, but SS will always be a safe space for me.

My dad was found dead yesterday and I've just been spiraling. I can't believe this is happening, especially before Father's Day. It's like a nightmare that doesn't feel real but it is.

I spoke to him two weeks ago, and tried checking in on him Wednesday but his phone was off. Then again on Thursday, and finally yesterday. I was debating on going up there myself (thank god I didn't) and I reached out to some people. An hour later, I got a call from an officer saying he was dead in his apartment. His dog was thankfully alive and okay, so I'm not sure how long he was like this.

I couldn't even take in his Husky because of my cat and mom, so he's currently at the humane society recovering.

My dad was my best friend. Literally the only one I could talk to without judgment. The first person I'd call when something good or bad happened, or when I just wanted to ramble. He'd never judge me, and he would ALWAYS tell me he loved me. That's something I rarely hear from my family and the fact that I won't hear his voice again just kills me.

This is the worse pain I've ever felt. One minute I'm totally sobbing on the floor, the next I'm blank and numb. I took sleeping pills last night to help but that phone call just kept playing in my head repeatedly and I couldn't sleep.

I love being awake at night, but it just felt horrible for the first time ever. It reminded me that I'm so alone. Every time my mom or stepdad leaves the house, my anxiety increases.

My family wants me to go to his apartment on Monday or Tuesday to pack up and said they would help, but I can't even look at his pictures without breaking down. I don't think I could handle even being there.

I had to even delete my Amazon account because I sent him a gift for Father's Day and they left it at his door about two hours before the police showed up. When I look at my orders, it would be right there along with a picture they took.

On top of that, my half-sister from out of state apparently got in touch with a separate funeral home from the one that was referred to us by the officer, and they picked up his body last night.

I didn't know until 20 minutes ago that it was a different one, so I have no idea where his body is currently and have to call around the city.

To think that I would have to go through this again when my mom and cat eventually pass…I wanna die so bad. I always told myself when he was gone, I'd be done…but I also just don't want to hurt or disappoint anyone. Especially my dad if he's watching.

I haven't ate anything since Wednesday night, I'm exhausted from all the calls and messages, I'm drained. He won't be here for my birthday next month, or all the things we had planned for this summer. I hate this.

I love you so much, dad. I miss you.

I lost my grandfather recently, it broke me because I was so close to him. Genuinely if you need to talk my dms are open. Hope you feel better soon grief is a process

 

[Sunset Limited]

I'm so sorry for your loss and I understand you so well. I lost my mother two months ago. Everything I see in this city reminds me of her. I can't believe it, I don't want to believe it, I can't accept it. My mother's last four months were a nightmare. She died of tuberculosis, like her father. I watched the person I loved most slowly die over four months. I would rather never have been born than have lived through this; I'm truly angry. Damn the cosmic coincidences that brought all this about. Now the world feels empty to me. This is a bullshit.

 

[CatLvr]

You know, I went no contact with my entire family nearly 40 years ago now, and the way they treated me made it difficult for me to feel sadness, but damn my heart hurts for you. I will light a candle for you and your dad -- and his puppy dog -- this evening when I get ready for bed.

I dunno what, if any, beliefs you have regarding what comes after this life but I feel that he is in a better place. I would sincerely hope that that thought gives you a little comfort.

All that said, I lost a grandson many, many years ago. And I can tell you from that loss that the pain will never leave you. It will change but don't by the bullshit that it gets better. It doesn't get better -- it gets different. It gets bearable most days. But this heartbreak is the price we pay for the ability to love this much. And it is worth it.

Again, I am sorry for your loss. I will keep you in my thoughts.