messing around with hanging as a method

[violetforever]

i always look over to my closet in desperation for relief from crying. i think i'm right. i usually just hit myself to bruises with a heavy shoe but it's not enough anymore. i skipped that and finally went straight to familiarizing myself with hanging instead. i definitely need some practice, research and real materials if i consider this method but i just had an impulsive urge to get used to feeling something around my neck. all i have is a robe belt so i tied it, put my head through the knot, draped it over my closet rod and pulled. i wasn't really going for accuracy yet, i just wanted to feel everything. i felt my body get a little limp, head pounding, dizziness and weakness. i'm laying in bed now and i feel so much calmer after doing that. i should be doing this regularly to build up mental strength.

this was even after i had a great day at school. after being home for a few hours i just felt awfulness coming over me. i'm tired of living with my mood constantly going up and down. i don't know why i try to lie to myself either. when i was crying last night i told myself "i'm just sad it doesn't mean i'm suicidal" and then 10 minutes later of just laying in bed thinking and crying i remembered it's impossible for me to just be sad without it reaching the point of wanting to die. at least i'm working towards it now.

 

[nintendo64]

I'm sorry. I keep a noose tied in my closet and let myself hang until I hear ringing in my ears and my head hurts sometimes too. It's comforting to know at least I always have a way out just right there, and it calms me down to remind myself of that. Just wondering, have you tried therapy/ meds?