maybe it really is just this for me

[phantomt]

people tell me it's gonna get better, im gonna get out, one day I'll have somebody who accepts me for who i am, all that.

but you know, maybe i really am not loved, its not gonna get better, ill only be this and this'll only be me. there's no magical unicorns and no secret societies that'll deem me as the chosen one, or whatever fairytale they paint me. its been years, things changed but only for the worst. these people can only say that because they haven't been me. sure, the life i led may not be the hardest, to some it may even be better than the life they're living. i can eat, i have a home, i have clothes but still, i feel like this is all that i can handle, this is all i could ever be. everything i wish for will never come true.

except death. that's my only wish at this point. but i fucked my attempt up.

all I'll ever be is a loser and a failure and there's no fix, this is really who i am.

 

[niki wonoto]

I'm from Indonesia, & I'm probably much older than you. But I can also deeply relate with everything you've said.

 

[amor.dor]

I understand what you mean, but may I offer another point of view?
I believe the world has always been terrible, but as we grow older, the veil of illusion that was sold to us about the world gradually dissipates and we begin to see it as it really is. At least, that's what I realize when I think about when I was 15 compared to now that I'm 29.
They sold us the illusion that we would have important roles and that the world would be wonderful, just to deceive us and make us socially useful...

Ecclesiastes 1:9
What has been will be again,
what has been done will be done again;
there is nothing new under the sun.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I can sort of understand why people try to reassure us that things will turn out ok. A pessimistic attitude can sometimes make things harder. But realistically- no one knows! Chances are, it will probably be a mix of good and bad in life.

I suppose I am a believer in cause and effect though and- making your own luck- to the greater extent anyway. Real luck does come into it too. But obviously- if you want to win the lottery but, don't buy a ticket- you won't!

So then, it's a matter of- What do you wish for? Why are you so sure you won't get it? Is it because you feel paralyzed to try? Then I suppose- it is a matter of weighing it up.

For me, I had social anxiety and lack of confidence stacked up against following a career, socialising and relationships. I eventually let the hopes of a relationship go and socialising didn't appeal anyway so- my anxieties won there. Over my career though- that meant everything to me at one point so- that was enough motivation to make me challenge myself and my fears. Ultimately, I still found a way back into reclusiveness but- I gave it a good shot initially.

So- I feel like that's what it comes down to ultimately. If you want to be loved by a romantic partner or friends- I imagine you need to meet lots of people to try and find a good match. But, it's kind of like the want for something- and the fear or not having it needs to be that little bit stronger than the fear holding you back trying to get it- as I see it.

 

[phantomt]

I can sort of understand why people try to reassure us that things will turn out ok. A pessimistic attitude can sometimes make things harder. But realistically- no one knows! Chances are, it will probably be a mix of good and bad in life.

I suppose I am a believer in cause and effect though and- making your own luck- to the greater extent anyway. Real luck does come into it too. But obviously- if you want to win the lottery but, don't buy a ticket- you won't!

So then, it's a matter of- What do you wish for? Why are you so sure you won't get it? Is it because you feel paralyzed to try? Then I suppose- it is a matter of weighing it up.

For me, I had social anxiety and lack of confidence stacked up against following a career, socialising and relationships. I eventually let the hopes of a relationship go and socialising didn't appeal anyway so- my anxieties won there. Over my career though- that meant everything to me at one point so- that was enough motivation to make me challenge myself and my fears. Ultimately, I still found a way back into reclusiveness but- I gave it a good shot initially.

So- I feel like that's what it comes down to ultimately. If you want to be loved by a romantic partner or friends- I imagine you need to meet lots of people to try and find a good match. But, it's kind of like the want for something- and the fear or not having it needs to be that little bit stronger than the fear holding you back trying to get it- as I see it.

unfortunately i did try getting myself out there, doing all that, it was going well and then the same people i trusted betrayed me. i dont really want a relationship and i forced myself to, only for the guy that i considered my best friend at the time to have sinister intentions.
and i had nobody to fall back to. i tried working hard to get the dreams i have, studied, but because of circumstance i can't be where i want to be. i can't go anywhere. the more i push out, the more it traps me back in. that's the answer for why i can't do anything—even if i wait for years, nothing will happen.

its kind of like what i said, this is all that i'll really ever be, people told me that it's not but i know better.