Venting mature enough, yet too immature about death

[hahahahhkjsk]

hazy ramble about something ive thought about. im 19 so legally im an adult. im apparently mature enough to have picked what university im supposed to go to, mature enough to apply for a job, vote, have my own bank account, etc. the adult stuff.
yet i feel like bringing up any of this suicidal stuff to anyone around me makes them view me like some child throwing a tantrum. that its immature, irresponsible, dumb and childish to be thinking about such things.
but why? if ive thought it all out? if i spent all my life basically cycling back and forth between feeling ok and wanting to take the nearest exit from life? if i had ideations and fantasies about my death for longer than i did not and i have no idea what it would feel like to not want to die every day? im actually responsible when it comes to dealing with these thoughts because im still here after all and i haven't impulsively laid on the train tracks like i once almost did. if anything, i have plenty of reasons that i can justify with examples as to why i want to ctb. its not some childish, immature fantasy out of a temper tantrum. i understand why i want to do it, i understand why i feel like this, but i just can't seem to find a way out of it.

does this make sense? maybe not. im so tired that its a miracle i can wring a sentence out of myself.

 

[sadsillygoose]

People tend to view suicide as impulsive, because admitting someone was dealing with issues for years and getting no help would mean that the system is failing. People saying that have either never been through such mental anguish or have lost someone and have not been able to get over their sadness/anger.

Adults are just taller kids with more responsibility. There are world leaders out their destroying entire countries just because they cant let go of their ego, and they still sleep peacefully and keep living with no guilt. Like some people be saying "you are too emotional!!!" when they are literally angry 24x7 and dont know that anger is an emotion too. They are so busy blaming others for a behaviour that they also do, but because they do it differently they feel superior to you?

So, you dont need to feel guilty for wanting to get away, its literally a natural response when youve been feeling like shit for so long and when things seem to not get better. Even though thats what everyone says "life will get better", and when it doesnt it feels like you are crazy and that somethings wrong with you. You dont need to feel shame for having feelings.

 

[hahahahhkjsk]

People tend to view suicide as impulsive, because admitting someone was dealing with issues for years and getting no help would mean that the system is failing. People saying that have either never been through such mental anguish or have lost someone and have not been able to get over their sadness/anger.

Adults are just taller kids with more responsibility. There are world leaders out their destroying entire countries just because they cant let go of their ego, and they still sleep peacefully and keep living with no guilt. Like some people be saying "you are too emotional!!!" when they are literally angry 24x7 and dont know that anger is an emotion too. They are so busy blaming others for a behaviour that they also do, but because they do it differently they feel superior to you?

So, you dont need to feel guilty for wanting to get away, its literally a natural response when youve been feeling like shit for so long and when things seem to not get better. Even though thats what everyone says "life will get better", and when it doesnt it feels like you are crazy and that somethings wrong with you. You dont need to feel shame for having feelings.

thank you for your reply.



on the topic of anger - i agree, it often seems to be dismissed even though its an emotion just like sadness or happiness.

i have a lot of repressed anger and i learnt quickly that i have to internalize it because i was shown that its an inappropriate emotion. when someone around me is angry, that's fine, but when im angry, i get suppressed? like im not allowed to feel anger or be angry at anything and i need to "stop throwing a tantrum". the hypocrisy extends to every part of life.

and yes, ive felt like shit for so long, death feels like the only escape. a final escape from this cycle where i keep getting better and worse.