sweetdecadance77
Member
- Apr 15, 2026
- 5
i finally got diagnosed with ptsd this winter after knowing ive had it for about 2 years. it lifted so much off of me before gravity took form once again to crush me. one of the most notable struggles that comes with this is the inability to form relationships and connections. im completely out of society because my mind doesnt allow me to feel. i dont even know if im truly aromantic and asexual or if my brain is trying to disconnect me from others so severely, but how could i tell ? at this point, i dont even know what its like to platonically miss someone. i function like a robot, but i still feel loneliness. i turn to see other people with friends who they can rely on, which is something i cant relate to. the most i do is send messages on platforms to people i dont really know and thats my interactions for the day since i dont allow myself closeness. closeness is too vulnerable, it reminds me of when i was take advantage of, it reminds me of when i was destroyed, it reminds me of when i wasnt believed, it reminds me. i dont like being reminded, so i avoid everything "normal." i wonder if its just me, because nobody else seems to have this problem. everybody is just socializing despite their past abuse, while im still drowning in it. how come they got over it and i didnt ? what am i doing wrong ? i dont understand why i landed a whole diagnosis due to my trauma when other people experienced the same thing yet still find love and comfort in companionship. its bizarre. it will never make sense to me. i wish i could just forget and put down my defenses. ive destroyed every opportunity at closeness ive been given out of fear, how do people live their lives without that fear ? it completely dominates my existence, and for some people, it just isnt there ? ive met so many people in psych hospitals who explain similar stories to mine, but then the next convo, theyre talking about how they miss their partner. how the fuck did you feel comfortable enough to seek out a relationship after everything ?? because I CANT. I CANT AT ALL. and i wouldnt say ive been through a crazy amount of trauma, but it lingers. my air is so tense, my brain is so full yet my heart is empty. i have nothing. and im angry at it.
