violetforever
Wizard
- Dec 24, 2025
- 683
yeah i know im a deeply flawed person who deserves the title of a whore for this but at least im self aware and nothing too disastrous has happened. i had one online relationship with a married man (stupidly and still considered the love of my life in a way) and it made me swear off and lose interest in attempting to ever have any other relationships. so "accidental" was our relationship even though the base of the friendship it grew from was always mutual attraction waiting to be addressed. i get myself into trouble like this and wonder how someone as shy and awkward as i am got there?
i really do have an allure for married men. has to be married and older, not just a boyfriend or anything else thats not so set in stone. married and a father is unfortunately even better. its just like a signal that a man is "good" if hes taken. i dont even want to steal the man away from his family though. more like the opposite. i want them to be good to their family (as much as they can while being unfaithful lol?) and stay together. i just want to be apart of it in some strange way. i suppose its because my dad isnt in my life, my mom prioritizes men and consequently, i dont have much of a family. mine is so broken and abusive. to associate myself with a man with a family feels like the next best thing to try to fill that void. its unhealthy and disturbing but i like this role. i get twice as much out of one person. i depend on the man like a father figure and a lover at the same time. im so confusing. i felt for his wife being cheated on even though i was part of the reason she was being betrayed. i worried about his kids growing up to find out he was a bad father even though i was part of the reason he was being a bad father. i resent him for not appreciating his family and everything else nice that he has in his life even though i was getting in the way of that. maybe it felt "ok" because he admitted he had marriage problems before i even met him so i didnt cause all of this mess. maybe i just saw myself and my family in him and his family and i was trying to heal that wound.
i think im afraid to have a relationship with an actual single man because it feels too real and bound to end. i need that distance. i dont want real or both permanent and temporary things anyway. i realistically dont want marriage, kids, to live with a man or have a man meet my family and stuff like that. online also feels less real. i can quietly slip away from an affair and its like it never happened because it has to stay hidden or it was only online. thankfully im probably not brave enough to be anything more than a tease in person. i figure i might as well be involved in cheating than getting cheated on myself. i still got cheated on as a cheater though haha a wife and one whore still isnt enough for men. i understand the excitement makes them feel powerful and want to seek out more women. i hurt myself on purpose with this. i wanted to prove my belief that love isnt real so ill stay away from it and married men do that for me. it comes with an expected sense of shame and uncertainty too. i cant be too disappointed in the end like i would be if a normal relationship failed since the whole thing with affairs is selfish and inappropriate from the start.
i really do have an allure for married men. has to be married and older, not just a boyfriend or anything else thats not so set in stone. married and a father is unfortunately even better. its just like a signal that a man is "good" if hes taken. i dont even want to steal the man away from his family though. more like the opposite. i want them to be good to their family (as much as they can while being unfaithful lol?) and stay together. i just want to be apart of it in some strange way. i suppose its because my dad isnt in my life, my mom prioritizes men and consequently, i dont have much of a family. mine is so broken and abusive. to associate myself with a man with a family feels like the next best thing to try to fill that void. its unhealthy and disturbing but i like this role. i get twice as much out of one person. i depend on the man like a father figure and a lover at the same time. im so confusing. i felt for his wife being cheated on even though i was part of the reason she was being betrayed. i worried about his kids growing up to find out he was a bad father even though i was part of the reason he was being a bad father. i resent him for not appreciating his family and everything else nice that he has in his life even though i was getting in the way of that. maybe it felt "ok" because he admitted he had marriage problems before i even met him so i didnt cause all of this mess. maybe i just saw myself and my family in him and his family and i was trying to heal that wound.
i think im afraid to have a relationship with an actual single man because it feels too real and bound to end. i need that distance. i dont want real or both permanent and temporary things anyway. i realistically dont want marriage, kids, to live with a man or have a man meet my family and stuff like that. online also feels less real. i can quietly slip away from an affair and its like it never happened because it has to stay hidden or it was only online. thankfully im probably not brave enough to be anything more than a tease in person. i figure i might as well be involved in cheating than getting cheated on myself. i still got cheated on as a cheater though haha a wife and one whore still isnt enough for men. i understand the excitement makes them feel powerful and want to seek out more women. i hurt myself on purpose with this. i wanted to prove my belief that love isnt real so ill stay away from it and married men do that for me. it comes with an expected sense of shame and uncertainty too. i cant be too disappointed in the end like i would be if a normal relationship failed since the whole thing with affairs is selfish and inappropriate from the start.
