Losing the battle against myself

[nitrogenous]

I feel like I'm slowly losing the ability to keep myself safe. I can't trust myself anymore, as if my body and soul would just betray me any given second. Everything keeps on getting worse and worse and I'm losing the patience and will to keep on fighting.

I was very close to catching the bus using SN just earlier, but I got paranoid that I would fail the attempt, especially given I don't have the full meds as per protocol (for now). I ended up under the emergency examination authority again and I'm back in the emergency department, but I know they won't do anything. If any, the mental health team really hates me and kept on unintentionally provoking me to end my life if I really am suicidal.

Another reason why it's hard for me to commit is I keep on thinking what if I fail? I need to know that I can still ctb in the future if I fail and given the current uncertain situation with DSL's shipping, I kept on thinking how I would realistically be able to obtain SN again if I fail…

I'm so tired of everything, there's no such thing as hope. Every hope that I have had have all been false hopes… What did I do to deserve all this pain and suffering?

 

[Phobia_DLW]

Yup I feel you, do you find CTB thoughts becoming more frequent as time goes by?

I also had this nurse who was a dickhead and dismissed me as just a random drunkard when I was taken to a hospital before.

As for how effective the method is, I think if the protocol is followed, the success rate is practically 100%.

 

[nitrogenous]

Yup I feel you, do you find CTB thoughts becoming more frequent as time goes by?

I also had this nurse who was a dickhead and dismissed me as just a random drunkard when I was taken to a hospital before.

As for how effective the method is, I think if the protocol is followed, the success rate is practically 100%.

Yeah, it's literally non-stop now. If I feel like I'm getting better, it's literally either euphoria (from my BPD) or perhaps hypomania (from my bipolar), but I haven't been hypomanic for long since on lithium. I think if any, mostly it always just again ends up being false hope that temporarily cheers me up, or even just the burnt out and hopelessness that masks and temporary relief…

I think that's my problem is that I don't know if I would be able to follow the textbook 100%. I don't think I'd be able to realistically have 50 pills of diazepam (I have maybe around 15 of them) and my metoclopramide has been taking ages to arrive… On top of that, I think battling the panic urges to tell someone about it while attempting would probably be very high considering the drowsiness (brain just not functioning well from the benzos) and pure sheer panic of literally knowing I would be dead after potentially having to suffer for a bit (vomitting)…

I'm sorry you've had a bad experience with that nurse prior, I wonder sometimes why do they even do this job if all they do is make people come out worse off than better off? Is it really the money or is it also the ego of having imbalanced power and control over people in hospitals…

 

[bl33ding_heart]

I relate to your situation a lot, and I really hope your pain eases. I understand how horrible it feels to feel like your mind is working against you.

 

[nitrogenous]

I relate to your situation a lot, and I really hope your pain eases. I understand how horrible it feels to feel like your mind is working against you.

Thank you for your kind words I'm sorry to hear you're in a similar boat, I truly wish things can get better (in whatever way you define better) for both of us so we both can finally get some rest