Venting Listless Existence

[Grey Worm]

When I am removed from my escapisms I realize how pathetic my existence is, and how little desire I have to participate in things outside my interests. I feel like a stone. I think about my impending death.

The money I have to sustain myself is running out. The 'easy' fix would be to get a normal job, but I think I've long accepted death over participating in society. Before covid I was already socially isolated & homebound for my entire life after middle school.

I have online friends and acquaintances I cherish but I do not share their drives. When they talk about grander ambitions for their lives I often cannot comphrehend them, as much as I wish I could.

I would be content with living modestly but society & its systems petrify me. My health has long been deteriorating, and the few doctors I've seen over the years have belittled me.

In the end, I still can see beauty in the world, just not my place in it.

 

[timf]

"grander ambitions" is a phrase that reflects desire more than reality. Most of life consists of small moments the accumulation of which defines our trajectory. ne can look at small steps that start to build so that one has greater control of their life. For example, the person who takes a job at a temp agency can be exposed to many different employment environments and discover work they might wish to pursue or that which they wish to avoid.

If one looks at social forays such as shopping as an expedition to experiment with social contact, one can find a humorous quip or a solicitous inquiry to be ways to experiment with developing social skills. Even if can cause anxiety, taking small steps to expand one's environment can build momentum. Finding ways one can take control over their environment (even in small ways) is also a way that reduces anxiety.