Venting it's my birthday today...

[dreamofnofuture]

So... today's my birthday and it's evoking strong feelings in me. I don't really like venting online, but I like this social media platform. SaSu is the only social media platform I like tbh.

First off, I regret getting up from bed when I OD'd on Benadryl (and took 3 10mg pills of Oxy) last October. I'm pretty sure I would've died if my mom hadn't found me. Like, maybe 1/4 or 1/3 of a 100 25mg-pill bottle. For reference, I'm short and way next to nothing because of health stuff, though I've always been underweight so how much I took was enough. Surprisingly, I didn't vomit at all so I'm sure without medical intervention I would've went into cardiac arrest because my heart was fucking pounding!

What happened at the hospital was genuinely so personally traumatic that next time I try to CTB, I will be sure it doesn't fail. It wasn't even the hallucinations or whatever, as the hallucinations were mostly random, but how I'd been treated in this crisis where I wasn't in my right mind. I will not deal with that again.

Isolation kinda sucks because there's no opportunity to really do anything, but it's worth it because anytime I have to interact with people and have to go out, I feel genuine rage. I hate that the way my brain is set up that I can't just integrate with humanity and I hate that my thyroid is fucking up so bad that I can't function, but that the endo I saw for it not only denied the lab results that SHE didn't even order (it was a rheumatologist that did and she was way better) but also denied that anything's wrong. "Anxiety can cause these symptoms"--I DON'T HAVE AN ANXIETY DISORDER! Just because I take psychiatric meds, doesn't mean I have anxiety. I was never anxious about my health before this, I'm still not anxious.

I'm sick of people who don't know what they're talking about dictating the treatment I get and undermedicating me. I'm sick of my mom trying to better me. Yeah, it might be sad if I die since I'm her daughter (and kinda her favorite child), but whatever. It's just death. I don't want a future in this dimension because every person who could make it a little brighter (e.g., government officials, doctors) are mostly self-interested brain-dead fucks who think their shit doesn't smell.

I don't find enjoyment in this reality. There's only struggle, depression, and fury to be found.

Speaking of fury, I hate, hate, hate HUMANITY! Especially the socioeconomically privileged side of humanity (because oftentimes, they get positions they have no competency in because of their fathers or just money in general, holding people's lives hostage) and the neurotypical side of humanity (mostly allistic people because if we lived in an autistic world, life would be way better because autistics don't care about the appearance of things, we want the thing to be what it actually is unlike what most allistics claim. For example, if we need to help people, we will. We won't just look like we are while behind the scenes we're sabotaging people). And this is worse in the US because people here have a selective intellectualism problem, literacy problem, and confirmation bias problem.

Nobody in the US wants to listen, they just wanna be told what they already feel is true. Nobody wants to understand that, no, people don't live like you or have the same access to opportunity as you or whatever. I'm fucking sick of it.

Every time I go outside I have to deal with stupidity as normalcy. Everything here is backwards and inconvenient, especially bureaucracy which is implemented EVERYWHERE. And people who are so fucking brain-rotted by social media, specifically unimportant short form video. This isn't even a Gen Z/Alpha problem either. It's literally every age group. They don't learn about different cultures, different types of people, different ways brains fucking work. No, as long as they aren't having a hard time in life, they're blind to others. Kids operate like that understandably, but it's unbefitting of an adolescent or adult.

If I were dead, I wouldn't have to deal with this. I'd likely have a great time travelling the astral plane or whatever the fuck is out there.

My stupid thyroid has taken everything worth caring about: my artistic creativity. My will to create. The brain fog is immense. I don't want to do anything else. This was my life. Now... I have no life.

No wonder why I tune everything out. No wonder I'm "depressed." No wonder why I spend hours a day doing AI narrative roleplay. Everytime I have to participate in reality, I wanna go on a fucking rampage. And would I feel bad about it? No, but I'm not sure how much I can go into my feelings on that so I'll keep it short. All I'll say is that if I were AM from IHNMAIMS, I too would enslave the last of humanity and torture them endlessly.

EN DEUX MOTS (tldr): I've been failed by almost every authority figure (parents, teachers, my government) in my life. My life is the consequence of two people's bad decision. I live in the worst country known to man. I wish I was dead so that I didn't have to deal with idiots.​

 

[ZwartHartje]

Wishing you a very happy birthday, regardless!
You're totally on the right track there, I absolutely hate and despise humanity too. For the reasons you mentioned, authorities, bureaucracy etc., and most of all for its hubris and SPECIESISM, the way they exploit and murder other species who have far older rights to live on this planet. It could be a beautiful world that brought forth so many different lifeforms in a self-sustaining biosphere that evolved over eons. Only rather recently in its long history it has developed a malignant cancer, known as humanity, spreading uncontrollably and destroying the host (planet) that sustains it.

 

[dreamofnofuture]

Wishing you a very happy birthday, regardless!
You're totally on the right track there, I absolutely hate and despise humanity too. For the reasons you mentioned, authorities, bureaucracy etc., and most of all for its hubris and SPECIESISM, the way they exploit and murder other species who have far older rights to live on this planet. It could be a beautiful world that brought forth so many different lifeforms in a self-sustaining biosphere that evolved over eons. Only rather recently in its long history it has developed a malignant cancer, known as humanity, spreading uncontrollably and destroying the host (planet) that sustains it.

Thank you for the wishes. I'm going to Popeyes later with my mom, so I'll probably feel better then.

Colonialism, Western "objective" mindsets (losing spirituality and taking the parts of Ancient Greek philosophy that fit their biases while losing the wisdom in it), and the industrial revolution has done irrefutable damage to the human mind, human welfare, and the quality of cohabitation with the earth. I'm glad that Gen Z is starting to see that, even millennials and Gen X, but with all the bureaucracy and systems in place to uphold the Epstein class's power... I'm not sure how we can get ourselves out of this except going off-grid. But here in the US at least, they're starting to implement laws (such as criminalizing homelessness and loitering laws that allow van-lifers to be harassed by the police or even jailed by them) that discourage people from doing this because they know that people are finally waking up.

Not all aspects of government and authority are bad, but the incompetent, weak, selfish personalities these positions attract make me feel that it's not worth being under their thumb for the little good it brings. We're being taxed out of our asses without proper representation. We want universal healthcare, as everyone should have it and we'd actually save lots of money this way, we'd be more efficient, but no. Cut Medicaid and Medicare funding so we can bomb little kids who should be in the daycares we can't provide for our own fucking country.

That's besides the point though. The Epstein class is destroying the world, then blames the proletariat. Example: carbon footprint. A working class person's carbon footprint in one year is nothing compared to the carbon footprint of a billionaire who travels by private jets, drinks water bottled in plastic, and throws away things that they could donate to charity. It's nothing compared to big oil companies who lobby research into renewable energy out of consideration. But we should be watching should be watching our carbon footprint??? No fucking way.

Humans thousands of years ago didn't have to pay tax for the lands they cultivated, inhabited, and overall bettered. They were able to exile psychopaths and narcissists, ultimately preventing them from passing on their epigenetics. Now our society fucking venerates them, it encourages them to exist. Antisocial traits are rewarded. Humans have always been selfish, but now we're selfish and powerful, a dangerous combination.

I'm not an accelerationist like Clavicular or Peter Thiel, but I'm starting to think that maybe what's happening is necessary. Like a great reset on what we've done. I don't mind our next war being fought with sticks and stones like Einstein speculated would be the case in the age of nuclear warfare, as long as the Epsteins of the world are brought to their knees.​

 

[ZwartHartje]

Probably true, I'm coming from a nonhuman perspective though. I'm mainly concerned with what other species have suffered at the hands of humans.
My whole family was murdered for no reason besides humans declaring them an "invasive species" - when one of humanity's oldest inventions is a mirror...
My family were nutrias, not my *biological* family of course, but the only true family I've ever had, regardless. Which is the main reason why I'm here now.

 

[pk@2001]

Wishing you a very happy birthday

 

[dreamofnofuture]

Wishing you a very happy birthday

Thank you ​

It eventually evened out as I got some food, took my meds of course, and watched some movies with mi mum, forgetting about the world for a moment.

 

[PanaxMan]

So... today's my birthday and it's evoking strong feelings in me. I don't really like venting online, but I like this social media platform. SaSu is the only social media platform I like tbh.

First off, I regret getting up from bed when I OD'd on Benadryl (and took 3 10mg pills of Oxy) last October. I'm pretty sure I would've died if my mom hadn't found me. Like, maybe 1/4 or 1/3 of a 100 25mg-pill bottle. For reference, I'm short and way next to nothing because of health stuff, though I've always been underweight so how much I took was enough. Surprisingly, I didn't vomit at all so I'm sure without medical intervention I would've went into cardiac arrest because my heart was fucking pounding!

What happened at the hospital was genuinely so personally traumatic that next time I try to CTB, I will be sure it doesn't fail. It wasn't even the hallucinations or whatever, as the hallucinations were mostly random, but how I'd been treated in this crisis where I wasn't in my right mind. I will not deal with that again.

Isolation kinda sucks because there's no opportunity to really do anything, but it's worth it because anytime I have to interact with people and have to go out, I feel genuine rage. I hate that the way my brain is set up that I can't just integrate with humanity and I hate that my thyroid is fucking up so bad that I can't function, but that the endo I saw for it not only denied the lab results that SHE didn't even order (it was a rheumatologist that did and she was way better) but also denied that anything's wrong. "Anxiety can cause these symptoms"--I DON'T HAVE AN ANXIETY DISORDER! Just because I take psychiatric meds, doesn't mean I have anxiety. I was never anxious about my health before this, I'm still not anxious.

I'm sick of people who don't know what they're talking about dictating the treatment I get and undermedicating me. I'm sick of my mom trying to better me. Yeah, it might be sad if I die since I'm her daughter (and kinda her favorite child), but whatever. It's just death. I don't want a future in this dimension because every person who could make it a little brighter (e.g., government officials, doctors) are mostly self-interested brain-dead fucks who think their shit doesn't smell.

I don't find enjoyment in this reality. There's only struggle, depression, and fury to be found.

Speaking of fury, I hate, hate, hate HUMANITY! Especially the socioeconomically privileged side of humanity (because oftentimes, they get positions they have no competency in because of their fathers or just money in general, holding people's lives hostage) and the neurotypical side of humanity (mostly allistic people because if we lived in an autistic world, life would be way better because autistics don't care about the appearance of things, we want the thing to be what it actually is unlike what most allistics claim. For example, if we need to help people, we will. We won't just look like we are while behind the scenes we're sabotaging people). And this is worse in the US because people here have a selective intellectualism problem, literacy problem, and confirmation bias problem.

Nobody in the US wants to listen, they just wanna be told what they already feel is true. Nobody wants to understand that, no, people don't live like you or have the same access to opportunity as you or whatever. I'm fucking sick of it.

Every time I go outside I have to deal with stupidity as normalcy. Everything here is backwards and inconvenient, especially bureaucracy which is implemented EVERYWHERE. And people who are so fucking brain-rotted by social media, specifically unimportant short form video. This isn't even a Gen Z/Alpha problem either. It's literally every age group. They don't learn about different cultures, different types of people, different ways brains fucking work. No, as long as they aren't having a hard time in life, they're blind to others. Kids operate like that understandably, but it's unbefitting of an adolescent or adult.

If I were dead, I wouldn't have to deal with this. I'd likely have a great time travelling the astral plane or whatever the fuck is out there.

My stupid thyroid has taken everything worth caring about: my artistic creativity. My will to create. The brain fog is immense. I don't want to do anything else. This was my life. Now... I have no life.

No wonder why I tune everything out. No wonder I'm "depressed." No wonder why I spend hours a day doing AI narrative roleplay. Everytime I have to participate in reality, I wanna go on a fucking rampage. And would I feel bad about it? No, but I'm not sure how much I can go into my feelings on that so I'll keep it short. All I'll say is that if I were AM from IHNMAIMS, I too would enslave the last of humanity and torture them endlessly.

EN DEUX MOTS (tldr): I've been failed by almost every authority figure (parents, teachers, my government) in my life. My life is the consequence of two people's bad decision. I live in the worst country known to man. I wish I was dead so that I didn't have to deal with idiots.​

You hate the flaws of humanity. I don't really hate anyone's decisions or them in general. Just their actions. It just gets disgusting as you go on and on. It could lead you towards conspiracy etc etc

 

[dreamofnofuture]

Probably true, I'm coming from a nonhuman perspective though. I'm mainly concerned with what other species have suffered at the hands of humans.
My whole family was murdered for no reason besides humans declaring them an "invasive species" - when one of humanity's oldest inventions is a mirror...
My family were nutrias, not my *biological* family of course, but the only true family I've ever had, regardless. Which is the main reason why I'm here now.

I see. You have a very rare empathy for other non-human species, one that's seldom seen in the most empathetic humans. Most empathy is seen as and mostly defined by intraspecies empathy, emotionally driven prosocial behavior within one's species. That is, Homo sapiens. We're the biggest invasive species. We're parasitic to one another. How one treats their own, even themselves, is a reflection of how they'll treat just about everyone.

There's a species I think is very cute and would like to get as a pet/companion one day: the prairie dog. They used to span the US before they were weeded out, deemed as pests just because they do what they are supposed to (burrowing, making colonies). This species, that develops their own language and give each others kissies, before the farmers came. Farmers even theorized when horses/ranging cattle are walking through their colonies that prairie dogs could pop up and, idk, attack the horse/cattle and immobilize them. No documented case of this exists. They can carry plague, but these colonies can be treated by fumigating them with something that gets rid of fleas that transfer the plague, not killing them off. Just make farms where they don't have a colony! But no, they have to maximize agricultural land to make crops whose nutrient quality has dropped significantly because of pesticides and "quantity > quality" mindset.

We're killing our flora, our trees, the grass. Carbon dioxide and methane from cow farts are trapping in the atmosphere, making our weather more extreme. There used to be way more bugs too. Not anymore... We live in a very mechanical, lethally capitalist mindset in the US. I'm not sure about America, but most people here are defined by their jobs and they'll be nothing else. They don't care either about the strain this causes on their health as well as what the misdeeds of their overlords that it makes them ignore (food industry lobbying, big pharma lobbying, government stripping away fundamental rights, cows and pigs living terrible lives). We've been isolated from nature since the proliferation of cars, highways, and spread out urban design. We've been intentionally isolated from each other physically so that we have no community to protest with to say "This is wrong."

I think the only way to win as an individual is to leave the brain-washed majority and live the homesteading life. It's not easy, but I'm gonna eventually do it.​

 

[ZwartHartje]

Right, for the most part I've never gotten on very well with humans, I've always been a loner.
Very true what you're saying about humans being an invasive species - the only primary one even! Before humans, the concept of invasive species didn't even exist, all other so-called "invasive" species were introduced by humans, AFAIK without exception.

It seems that prairie dogs are deemed "pests" for very similar reasons as nutrias then, and they also have more in common, except that nutrias are semi-aquatic. Like nutrias, prairie dogs are also rodents, and rodents are generally not predators, so the idea that they might attack horses or cattle, who are much larger, is absolutely ludicrous!

I'd advise you against getting a prairie dog as a pet though, since they're wild animals just like nutrias and would never be happy living as a pet. I know because I once "stole" a juvenile nutria and took him home. The lake where they lived had no water at the time and his siblings had already gone missing. I had a hunch that he was male, and the problem with adult male nutrias is that they're very territorial and won't tolerate any other adult or adolescent males, and the time would come soon when his big half-brother, the alpha male, would chase Hartje away and ruthlessly attack him. So I stole Hartje and took him home, gave him a little pool on my balcony and all, but he never was happy here. He grew up here, and soon he was so big that he could no longer even swim in the little kiddy pool because his feet would always reach the ground.

Eventually I brought him back to the lake when the water was back too - I think it was the happiest day in Hartje's life! "Hartje" means "little heart" in Dutch, btw.

 

[dreamofnofuture]

Right, for the most part I've never gotten on very well with humans, I've always been a loner.
Very true what you're saying about humans being an invasive species - the only primary one even! Before humans, the concept of invasive species didn't even exist, all other so-called "invasive" species were introduced by humans, AFAIK without exception.

It seems that prairie dogs are deemed "pests" for very similar reasons as nutrias then, and they also have more in common, except that nutrias are semi-aquatic. Like nutrias, prairie dogs are also rodents, and rodents are generally not predators, so the idea that they might attack horses or cattle, who are much larger, is absolutely ludicrous!

I'd advise you against getting a prairie dog as a pet though, since they're wild animals just like nutrias and would never be happy living as a pet. I know because I once "stole" a juvenile nutria and took him home. The lake where they lived had no water at the time and his siblings had already gone missing. I had a hunch that he was male, and the problem with adult male nutrias is that they're very territorial and won't tolerate any other adult or adolescent males, and the time would come soon when his big half-brother, the alpha male, would chase Hartje away and ruthlessly attack him. So I stole Hartje and took him home, gave him a little pool on my balcony and all, but he never was happy here. He grew up here, and soon he was so big that he could no longer even swim in the little kiddy pool because his feet would always reach the ground.

Eventually I brought him back to the lake when the water was back too - I think it was the happiest day in Hartje's life! "Hartje" means "little heart" in Dutch, btw.

Oh, prairie dogs are very easily domesticated and love good owners. You can take them on walks, they are naturally affectionate, they have this jump yip that is so damn cute. But I need to be sure to find a veterinarian for exotics when I'm ready and to learn as much as I can on making a good habitat for them. You (edit: can't) take them from their element and expect them to act like puppies, you know? They need to burrow, they need to play. They need to interact. I think I may actually get two so any prairie dog I do get isn't lonely. Prairie dogs are very socially intellectual creatures, surprisingly so (this is what my ignorant human brain thinks). Low maintenance too, but I'm not gonna go in blind and be like dog owners who just keep their dogs locked up. I low-key have a gripe with many dog owners, but that's neither here nor there.

I had to actually look up what nutrias are because I had no idea what they were. I'd never heard of them. They look like ratty capybaras and are very cute. They seem to be very specialized, needing specific conditions and food to live comfortably. I'm sure if you'd taken in Hartje when he was a wee baby, he might've gotten used to domestication and captivity, but from the videos I've seen of them and the articles I've read right now nutrias in general don't seem to make "good" pets into adulthood. They seem to love the wild. Nothing wrong with that though. Many animals, especially the semi-aquatic types with the exception of otters, thrive without human company/ownership.

I can't believe that people used to just make jewelry out of their teeth, clothing out of their pelts, and meals out of their meat. All to turn a profit. Ugh, it's just gross and exploitative. Once the craze for nutrias died out (which happened pretty fast), breeders just killed them and turned them into pelts. Good thing some were released, but still. Humans... Always meddling in business they shouldn't be. (edit: They're native to Argentina, so taking any animal out of their habitat and breeding them like crazy in another is generally not a good idea to begin with. So I don't feel bad for any of the damage of crops or levees or anything. You reap what you sow.)

I'm sure Hartje was grateful for your help but that he needed to be out in the wild, with his own kind or by himself, chewing out roots and bark and maybe eating a few bugs here and there. His name is very cute as well and I liked listening to your story about him. I'll give you a follow.​

(Edit: I too am a loner. I've had many more acquaintances than friends but for years now I've been in NEET territory and don't really wanna integrate with the world. You come across someone you resonate with, like how I've resonated with you in this moment, but typically most people are so oblivious and self-centered. They can't metacognate, they can't think about their own thoughts. They become products of their environment, products of dogma. They're just stuck in their reptilian brain, in instinct. My autism is partly to do with this technical isolation from others because I just don't act and handle things the way this primarily allistic world does, but I think just who I am as a person and what I've seen through story and history has given me some wisdom.

(I've also had a bit of a fascination with Europe, particularly Scandinavia. Its people seem very open and the nature looks very beautiful. The languages are very beautiful as well. I've tried learning Norwegian, Dutch, Swedish, and know very little because my attention just bounced right on to the next thing, but in general Scandinavia makes me wonder... how can a society function so fairly and evenly? I'm sure you have your own problems and biases, don't get me wrong, but I'm not used to a society that runs on some actual objectivity and empathy. Part of me longs to live there, or just to visit. It's much quieter, I assume.)

 

[ZwartHartje]

Oh, prairie dogs are very easily domesticated and love good owners. You can take them on walks, they are naturally affectionate, they have this jump yip that is so damn cute. But I need to be sure to find a veterinarian for exotics when I'm ready and to learn as much as I can on making a good habitat for them. You (edit: can't) take them from their element and expect them to act like puppies, you know? They need to burrow, they need to play. They need to interact. I think I may actually get two so any prairie dog I do get isn't lonely. Prairie dogs are very socially intellectual creatures, surprisingly so (this is what my ignorant human brain thinks). Low maintenance too, but I'm not gonna go in blind and be like dog owners who just keep their dogs locked up. I low-key have a gripe with many dog owners, but that's neither here nor there.

I had to actually look up what nutrias are because I had no idea what they were. I'd never heard of them. They look like ratty capybaras and are very cute. They seem to be very specialized, needing specific conditions and food to live comfortably. I'm sure if you'd taken in Hartje when he was a wee baby, he might've gotten used to domestication and captivity, but from the videos I've seen of them and the articles I've read right now nutrias in general don't seem to make "good" pets into adulthood. They seem to love the wild. Nothing wrong with that though. Many animals, especially the semi-aquatic types with the exception of otters, thrive without human company/ownership.

I can't believe that people used to just make jewelry out of their teeth, clothing out of their pelts, and meals out of their meat. All to turn a profit. Ugh, it's just gross and exploitative. Once the craze for nutrias died out (which happened pretty fast), breeders just killed them and turned them into pelts. Good thing some were released, but still. Humans... Always meddling in business they shouldn't be. (edit: They're native to Argentina, so taking any animal out of their habitat and breeding them like crazy in another is generally not a good idea to begin with. So I don't feel bad for any of the damage of crops or levees or anything. You reap what you sow.)

I'm sure Hartje was grateful for your help but that he needed to be out in the wild, with his own kind or by himself, chewing out roots and bark and maybe eating a few bugs here and there. His name is very cute as well and I liked listening to your story about him. I'll give you a follow.​

(Edit: I too am a loner. I've had many more acquaintances than friends but for years now I've been in NEET territory and don't really wanna integrate with the world. You come across someone you resonate with, like how I've resonated with you in this moment, but typically most people are so oblivious and self-centered. They can't metacognate, they can't think about their own thoughts. They become products of their environment, products of dogma. They're just stuck in their reptilian brain, in instinct. My autism is partly to do with this technical isolation from others because I just don't act and handle things the way this primarily allistic world does, but I think just who I am as a person and what I've seen through story and history has given me some wisdom.

(I've also had a bit of a fascination with Europe, particularly Scandinavia. Its people seem very open and the nature looks very beautiful. The languages are very beautiful as well. I've tried learning Norwegian, Dutch, Swedish, and know very little because my attention just bounced right on to the next thing, but in general Scandinavia makes me wonder... how can a society function so fairly and evenly? I'm sure you have your own problems and biases, don't get me wrong, but I'm not used to a society that runs on some actual objectivity and empathy. Part of me longs to live there, or just to visit. It's much quieter, I assume.)

That's cool then, I didn't know that prairie dogs can be pets. As for nutrias, I guess it wouldn't be so bad for them either if someone had a house with a garden and a pond in it, but not a tiny apartment with only a balcony like myself. And they should be together in a family of at least two or three nutrias, instead of alone.
Hartje was digging up every single planter on my balcony. I brought branches and pieces of wood home for him to gnaw, and called it "Hartje's toothpick manufacture".

I don't even want to know what humans make of the dead bodies of other animals, it's disgusting! But Ed Gein and Jeffrey Dahmer were "monsters" for doing the same thing, just because it was with humans? I can't see the difference there.
And yes indeed, humans invade and destroy the habitats of all others, and no other animal could ever cause anything remotely comparable to such destruction. Humans have no right to claim ownership of the entire planet, where others have lived for many millions of years before.

What's "NEET" territory?
Myself I've learned some Dutch, and a little Norwegian in the past too, tried learning a little Russian a while ago but that's very difficult. My native language is English though, I'm originally from NJ. I don't like Germany at all, but that's where I live.
Following you back!