Help is it even worth it?

[hammerhamster]

my first post I think, was about losing the love my life. he wasn't now, I see that I suppose. but still. he felt pure to me. maybe I'm still mad he left me when he promised he'd never- I dont want him anymore, I've found someone else, but.. I dont know if I want to be with him. I'm violently in-love with him, but I get scared sometimes. he's, and I know this sounds bad, but he's a nazi and a racist. I'm not. I never could be. I believe in equality. im mixed aswell, not fully white, I'm three races he finds vile, but says im one of the good ones, and that makes it worth it, right? being his favorite is what matters most to me. it could always be worse, right? I dont know. I go by multiple pronouns because I dont care what people refer to me as but, a week ago, maybe two, he begged me to use one because it was 'an embarrassment' to him, as his friend (who's also racist,) kept bullying him and calling me an annoying woke, aswell as a offensive term for my race Iguess. I love him a lot. in my eyes, it's okay, because at least he loves me. he made a joke about me de-transitioning, and I'm a bit afraid he genuinely wants me to. I went through with using one pronoun for him, I'm just scared he'll ask for more. does he even love me, or does he love a concept of me in his head, that he wants to change me into? I'm afraid,. if I leave him, I have no one else. he's the only person I talk to because I dont have any other friends. does he just want to change me so he can 'love' me? what do I do? is this even worth it? does he really love me? what do you guys think. sorry if I tagged this wrong.

 

[Forever Sleep]

From what you've said, I think you could be very good for him in trying to make him less prejudiced. I don't think prejudice helps us in the end. Honestly though, a lot of his behaviour would throw up red flags for me. I don't think I personally would want to be with any friend or partner who expected or wanted me to be different than who I am. If they actually feel ashamed of me then- that's a massive problem. (For me.) I already feel insecure about certain things on my own. I'd want to be with someone who made me feel ok to be me. More than that- who were aware of my insecurities and supported me with them.

That said- I have no experience at all of being in a relationship so, I shouldn't really comment. You have to work out whether it's worth it ultimately.

I can see it from both sides. The whole: 'I'll never meet anyone again' thing. I think I've felt it at times- when I was in the midst of my (awful) limerent phases. But, it's curious really, when it comes from people who have dated more than one person. Obviously- after the initial love interest (who you maybe thought was the only one,) you did find someone else. What makes you so sure it won't happen again? I suspect it's mostly the loyalty we feel towards the current person maybe. In any respect though, I hope you can find a way to be happy with a decision.

 

[hammerhamster]

From what you've said, I think you could be very good for him in trying to make him less prejudiced. I don't think prejudice helps us in the end. Honestly though, a lot of his behaviour would throw up red flags for me. I don't think I personally would want to be with any friend or partner who expected or wanted me to be different than who I am. If they actually feel ashamed of me then- that's a massive problem. (For me.) I already feel insecure about certain things on my own. I'd want to be with someone who made me feel ok to be me. More than that- who were aware of my insecurities and supported me with them.

That said- I have no experience at all of being in a relationship so, I shouldn't really comment. You have to work out whether it's worth it ultimately.

I can see it from both sides. The whole: 'I'll never meet anyone again' thing. I think I've felt it at times- when I was in the midst of my (awful) limerent phases. But, it's curious really, when it comes from people who have dated more than one person. Obviously- after the initial love interest (who you maybe thought was the only one,) you did find someone else. What makes you so sure it won't happen again? I suspect it's mostly the loyalty we feel towards the current person maybe. In any respect though, I hope you can find a way to be happy with a decision.

I really don't know if I could make him less prejudiced, he loves to rant about racists like dylann roof. ( his personal favorite, the man he looks up to and says he's in love with, despite being homophobic and.. involve with me? I'm a male, but he's homophobic and refuses to call himself gay or even bi.) thank you for the response, though. I'll definitely try to make him see how being a nazi is wrong

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I know we can't always control our feelings for others, but he sounds quite awful, tbh. Love should be a mutual thing and if he can't love you enough to not be racist and to rethink some of his values then does he really love you? Does he really love you if he allows his friends to make racist jokes at your expense? Or if he makes jokes about you de-transitioning? Or if he can't even respect the fact that you go by different pronouns and is embarrassed by you? Being alone isn't a bad thing. It can be a good thing actually. It's better to be alone than to put up with someone who clearly doesn't give a shit about you, at least not enough to change their awful ways.

There was a paper written that discussed the benefits of falling out of love. If I remember correctly, it states that when we are in a subsuming relationship, our identity and how we view ourselves end up being shaped by our partner. Our autonomy is subordinated to them. When we fall out of love, we are in a state of disorientation, and in this state, we can learn about ourselves and regain our autonomy. The point that I'm making is that being alone isn't a bad thing. It can sometimes even be a great thing if you go into it with the right mindset. At the very least, it's better than staying with someone who may not even care about you that much.

I feel like you should ask yourself this: do you love him or is your attachment to him just a result of you being afraid of ending up alone?

Staying with someone like that will just further screw you over down the line. If he can't respect you now, then just imagine how worse his treatment of you will be as time goes on.

 

[hammerhamster]

I know we can't always control our feelings for others, but he sounds quite awful, tbh. Love should be a mutual thing and if he can't love you enough to not be racist and to rethink some of his values then does he really love you? Does he really love you if he allows his friends to make racist jokes at your expense? Or if he makes jokes about you de-transitioning? Or if he can't even respect the fact that you go by different pronouns and is embarrassed by you? Being alone isn't a bad thing. It can be a good thing actually. It's better to be alone than to put up with someone who clearly doesn't give a shit about you, at least not enough to change their awful ways.

There was a paper written that discussed the benefits of falling out of love. If I remember correctly, it states that when we are in a subsuming relationship, our identity and how we view ourselves end up being shaped by our partner. Our autonomy is subordinated to them. When we fall out of love, we are in a state of disorientation, and in this state, we can learn about ourselves and regain our autonomy. The point that I'm making is that being alone isn't a bad thing. It can sometimes even be a great thing if you go into it with the right mindset. At the very least, it's better than staying with someone who may not even care about you that much.

I feel like you should ask yourself this: do you love him or is your attachment to him just a result of you being afraid of ending up alone?

Staying with someone like that will just further screw you over down the line. If he can't respect you now, then just imagine how worse his treatment of you will be as time goes on.

this is really sweet and a perspective I haven't really looked at. thank you.

 

[acidkitsune23]

I'm three races he finds vile, but says im one of the good ones, and that makes it worth it, right?

As someone who's had (ex) friends who have said things like this, It's not worth it. I completely understand that you love this guy, but being with him doesn't seem the safest option. You deserve better than someone like this. Im mixed and trans too; my biggest advice? Run away from this guy as fast as you can. People like him have 0 interest in changing unless something drastic changes in them. What he is doing is not love whatsoever.

Btw based Kangel pfp :)

 

[kenma0]

no one should ask you to change something about yourself that you cant, or isnt inherently "bad". you seem like a kind and open minded person, and you deserve someone who loves you for you.

and for the record, even if he says youre "one of the good ones", if you piss him off in any way, that will change. he will use your race against you to put you in line. to make you feel worthless.

also if he is with you, a male, and he is refusing to call himself gay or bi, sorry but he is, and nothing will change that. even if he doesnt realize it. sounds like he might secretly hate himself and who he is.